Ali Wong: Hard Knock Wife Page #2

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I wasn't about to let that all

go to waste.

If you shat juicy hamburgers...

Would you ever wait in line

at In-N-Out again?

No, you would pop a squat

over your husband's head every morning.

And tell him to open wide...

Because breakfast is on the way...

Animal style.

Yeah, you'd be like,

"I got your secret menu right here."

Work, work, work, work, work

I had to stop breastfeeding

after eight and a half months.

I could not take it anymore.

By the end, I felt like The Giving Tree.

I used to not-understand

what that depressing-ass book was about.

And now I know it's about breastfeeding!

It's about a mom who used to have all

of these beautiful branches and apples,

and then this little freeloader

comes into her life,

takes all of her sh*t,

and then she just becomes

a sad-ass tree stump

with deflated titties!

People kept on asking me,

"Ali, how did you get so skinny

after the baby?"

She sucked the life outta me!

As it turns out,

breastfeeding is not free

because you have to buy

all of these pillows and pumps

to support your breastfeeding,

and then you might get a clogged duct.

That's when you get like a traffic jam

kidney stone in your titty,

and then

you have to call a lactation consultant.

A lactation consultant is a white

NPR listener with dreadlocks,

Named Indigo,

That you have to pay $200

to rush over to your house

and Roto-Rooter your titty.

Indigo had me do push-ups,

dipping my titty in and out of a bowl

of scalding hot water,

and then beat my titty like this

in the interim.

This is why women need maternity leave.

In every other First World country...

Canada, France, Germany...

Women get up to three years off

paid maternity leave

when they have a new baby.

In the US, we get jack sh*t.

In the US, there is zero federal policy

for maternity leave.

Maternity leave is not just to bond

with the baby.

F*** the baby!

Maternity leave is for new moms to hide

and heal their demolished-ass bodies!

I couldn't go back to work topless

beating my wet titty,

trying to establish dominance

over all my coworkers.

You'd get fired!

People don't tell you

about all the crazy sh*t

that goes down when you get pregnant,

when you give birth.

When I was pregnant,

a lot of other moms

had highly recommended to me,

"Ali, now you make sure at the hospital

to steal a bunch of the free diapers."

"Yeah, duh, I know for the baby."

"No. For you..."

"For me?

What the f*** do I need diapers for?"

"Oh, you'll see..."

Winter is coming."

And indeed I did see!

Nobody told me about all the crazy sh*t that

comes out of your p*ssy after you give birth.

You know what happens

after the baby comes out?

You know what else exits?

Her house.

Her living room, her pillows...

the Bob Marley poster...

All the food that went bad

in her refrigerator... for months!

So then you have

to wear this cartoonishly large pad.

That's like the size

of a toddler mattress,

and it's only held up by the strength

of this mesh fishnet underwear

that's exclusively available

at the hospital.

You can't get that sh*t

on Amazon or anything,

so you gotta snatch that sh*t every day.

It's made out of the same material

that they package fancy Korean pears in.

It's very Dac Biet, okay?

Number one extra large Dac Biet

hospital underwear.

For three months,

I was walking around my house

with a top knot,

giant diaper, nipples bleeding.

Like a defeated sumo wrestler.

I had a C-section. Yeah.

Which was not the original intention,

but I was having contractions

for 24 hours. Yeah.

And then I was like, "Cut it out."

The nurse was like, "Keep going."

I was like, "B*tch, I said cut it out. Your

price is way too high You need to cut it

Cut it, cut it, you need to cut it

The nurse was not a big hip hop fan, so...

She did not appreciate that

or my Dave Coulier reference.

Look, a C-section is no joke, okay?

It is major surgery.

But it's very fast.

They put the anesthesia in your back,

and then they put up this curtain

so that your husband can only see

your human side

and not your cadaver side.

And then ten minutes later,

they hold the baby above the curtain

like bloody Simba and it's over.

I was like, "What the f*** did I do

all that pushing for

when there was this perfectly good

emergency exit?"

One of my best friends, God bless her,

she was in labor for 72 hours.

The baby's head kept on going in and out,

and in and out, and in and out.

And then she still had to have

an emergency C-section.

Before that sh*t went down,

my friend was the kindest,

Most polite,

dainty lady,

who would never burp in front of anybody.

After that sh*t went down,

she became the most bitter, nasty,

raw-ass b*tch I have ever met in my life!

I went to her house to pay her a visit

shortly after,

she opens the door,

"Look at my p*ssy, Ali.

Look at this sh*t! Look at this!"

No, "Hello, Ali. Welcome.

Come meet my beautiful new baby."

No, just, "Come on, you look at this sh*t!

"You look at what happened to me!"

Just with the door open,

in front of the entire cul-de-sac to see,

"Come on!"

And her p*ssy looked crazy!

It looked cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs!

When I saw it, I was like...

Because her p*ssy straight up looked

like two hanging d*cks side by side.

In the process of giving birth

to one baby girl,

my friend became two dudes.

You could French braid that sh*t.

It was like a Star Wars monster.

I mean, women, we're not accustomed

to seeing each other's pussies

in the first place.

It's not like men at the urinal

where you're like,

"Hey, what's up, dude? What's going on?"

holding your d*cks

in your hands in front of each other.

We're never just like going

to the bathroom, "What's up, girl?"

holding our pussies, just casual,

"I like your manicure."

I told her

that she had turned into two dudes.

And she started laughing.

But then she started

to get also extremely upset.

And she was like,

"Please, do not make me laugh!

Do not make me laugh!"

And then with one hand,

she had to grab a pillow,

and press it against her C-section scar.

And then with the other hand,

she had to...

pinch the d*cks together...

To make sure that...

the carne asada wouldn't fall out

of the taco,

And become nachos on the floor.

You see,

this is why women need maternity leave!

Yeah, you'd better pay our ass, too.

My friend couldn't go back to work

with her meat curtains

dragging on the floor

like the train of a sad-ass wedding dress.

You can't litigate like that.

Ain't no Spanx gonna tuck that sh*t in.

I told her all of that too,

and she started laughing more.

And, you know, she was like,

she was pinching

and she was pressing,

and repressing the laughter

and it got to be too much,

and then all of this gas

gurgled up in her system,

and she let out this fat-ass queef

that dried out my eyeballs.

I was like...

Oh!

Ah!

Oh!

Eeee.

Ah. Ah. Ah.

Many benefits to a C-section, okay?

Catheter, I had never had a catheter in my life. A

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