Ali Wong: Hard Knock Wife Page #3

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catheter is a tube that they hook up to your pee-pee hole,

and you just lie there...

And then all of a sudden, this bag of piss

shows up next to your bed.

And then this kind Filipino lady

named Joyabelle Esperanza

Purificacion Santo Domingo Ordonez Balasa

comes in to take it out.

And you're like,

"Nurse Joyabelle, whose piss that?"

And she's like, "That's yours."

And you're like, "Oh my God, that's mine?"

I did not even feel it go out.

The catheter, it just carries it out.

And I was like, "Oh my God,

in my life I could have accomplished

so much more

had I had a catheter attached to me

this entire time."

A lot of people like to ask me,

"Ali,

how on Earth do you balance

family and career?"

Men never get asked that question...

because they don't.

They just neglect the child

for like 90% of the day,

and that's perfectly socially acceptable,

but the standards for dads are so low

that they get so much praise

for doing so little.

My husband occasionally changes diapers,

and when people hear that,

"Oh my God," confetti everywhere!

"I cannot believe

that your husband changes diapers!

What a doting modern father. Lucky you!"

When my baby girl was first born,

I would do skin-on-skin contact every day

to bond with her.

She sh*t on my chest.

Where's my confetti at?

I'll tell you how I balance

family and career, real talk?

I have a nanny.

That's it, that's the answer.

Yes, it's very unlikable and unpopular

to broadcast that

because not everybody can afford a nanny.

It's super expensive.

It's expensive for me and my husband,

so the both of us, we have to hustle,

we have to work very hard

to not take care of our child ourselves.

I'm all about putting the oxygen mask

on myself before I put it on my baby.

I like that protocol.

I like that philosophy very much.

When the stewardess tells me

to make sure to do that,

I'm always like,

"Yeah, I was gonna do that.

I got no problem with that."

I'm so jealous of Mexican people.

Mexican culture.

They don't need no nannies,

'cause you know who takes care

of the baby?

The other baby!

Hermana, Ta, Abuela, Sobrina, Prima,

Second Prima, Bounce House...

The baby is just born into childcare.

I want to be Mexican in my next life.

Don't nobody have more fun than Mexicans.

I used to live at Crenshaw and Pico,

yes, if you don't know,

Crenshaw and Pico is this magical corner

in the hood of Los Angeles

where Guadalajara meets Korea...

And the Mexicans and the Koreans

are in constant racial warfare,

and their weapons are loud music

versus frowning.

Mexicans know

how to prioritize family and fun.

They take their kids to Disneyland

all the time.

And now to accommodate,

there is all of this Spanish

at Disneyland.

Every ride begins with,

"Ladies and gentlemen, for your safety

please keep your arms and hands

inside the vehicle at all times.

Damas y caballeros, por favor

mantengan las manos y los Brazos

dentro Del coche,

and please do not smoke...

Because it is gross and dangerous, okay?

And employees must wash hands

before returning to work.

Okay, be careful. Be very careful.

Cos tongue taco, son of a b*tch, apple!

Late at night

When all the world is sleeping

Yes, that's how Mexican

Disneyland has gotten,

they play Selena

on Pirates of the Caribbean.

The Haunted Mansion is now called

Dia de los Muertos!

And what was formerly known

as Splash Mountain

is now Esplash Mountain.

Our nanny is 62 years old.

Yes, I would never accept anything younger

than 62 years old.

If you are hiring a 25-year-old

pretty young thing to be your nanny,

you a dumb-ass.

Do you not read People magazine?

You don't know what's up?

That's inviting a marriage grenade

into your home.

When you have a newborn baby,

your marriage is very weak

because you're both stressed out,

you look like sh*t

'cause you don't shower no more,

you're resentful of each other,

whose idea was it to bring

this new roommate into the world?

Your marriage is very vulnerable and easy

for an outsider to invade and colonize.

If we had hired a 25-year-old man,

who was...

not ugly...

Great with my daughter

and said yes immediately

to every chore I asked him to do

with a positive attitude,

Oh, you best believe

that I would eat the sh*t

out of his butthole.

Every day.

Every day would be an all-day

nanny butthole buffet.

I don't care

if his 25 year old butt cheeks

got all nervous

and clenched up and closed on my face

like elevator doors,

I would get in there and...

Like Jack Nicholson in The Shining!

A lot of people also often ask me,

"Ali, what on Earth do your parents think

about your stand-up comedy?"

Now that's a very racilly-charged

question, right?

Like, what they're really asking is,

"What do your oppressive Asian parents

who beat you with the SAT book

until your fingers bled

from playing the cello

think about your butthole-licking jokes?"

My older sister is an unemployed lesbian

who lives on my mother's property.

So I can do whatever I want.

Yeah. Whatever I want!

I could take a sh*t on this stage

right now,

and my mom would be like,

"You bring so much honor to our family.

I am so proud of you, my golden child."

And then a lot of people also seem

to wonder, "Ali,

now that you have a daughter,

are you gonna tone it down?"

Here's the thing,

just because you became a parent,

doesn't mean you grew up.

Yeah.

Broey dudes become broey dads.

I'm the same piece of sh*t

that I always was before I became a mom,

now just with more responsibility,

and I'm barely rising to the occasion.

And I'm not ashamed,

I'm not going to hide

that I was very sexually active

in my twenties.

You know why?

Because everybody knows the secret now

that when a woman sleeps

with a man right away,

it's not because

we don't respect ourselves,

it's because we don't respect you.

We don't see you as marriage material.

That's why we let your dick inside

so fast.

By letting you in,

we're really kicking you out

of our future.

"Bye, Felicia,

be on your merry little way."

We're just trying to have fun,

we're not trying to trap your ass.

But...

But you better be careful

because when a man...

When a man doesn't sleep with you

right away,

oh...

oh, it's not because he respects you,

it's because he has a small dick.

And he's trying to trap you.

Do not fall for that trap.

I'm gonna repeat that sh*t to my daughter

over and over and over again.

Do not fall for that trap.

I fell for that sh*t once,

fell in love

and into a semi long-term relationship

with a man who kept on wanting to wait

to have sex,

and I assumed it was because he thought

I was so special, and amazing,

and worth waiting for...

He was hiding something!

Months later

he finally agrees to get busy

and unveils this tiny mess of a thing

that wouldn't even reach your molars.

It was a black dude.

Creepy, right?

Like seeing a homeless Asian person,

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