Ali Wong: Hard Knock Wife Page #4

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"What happened to you?"

"Oh my God, who are your parents? Truly!"

It was a black dude,

and I told all my black friends about it,

and they were like,

"Where the f*** is he at?

We need to assassinate him right now

before he further threatens

to tarnish our sacred reputation!"

It was the first and last time

I had ever seen an actual micropenis.

And my honest first reaction

when I saw it was...

"Oh, my God, are you okay?

What happened,

did you just get hit by a bus?

Did a car outside

just like sideswipe your dick off,

and now is your dick rolling around

on the street like a severed snake head?

And should we get a mason jar

and just scoop it up,

and bring you both to the hospital

to have you sewed back together?

Wait a minute. Wait a minute...

Is this some sort

of Princess and the Frog test?

Did a witch curse you a long time ago

as punishment for calling her ugly?

And now if I put that in my mouth

to prove that I love you,

As a reward for my love,

will it expand?

Like one of those magic towels

you pour water on?"

My life has changed dramatically

in the past year,

because a year ago,

nobody knew who the f*** I was.

And when I was warming up

to tape my very first

stand-up comedy special

I did four shows in my hometown,

San Francisco.

And I was so excited, I was super pumped.

And then I couldn't sell out

all the tickets,

so they had to put half of them up on Groupon. I know a

lot of you are having a Chinese heart attack right now.

"Oh my God...

You mean to tell me I could've

seen this b*tch a year ago for $10?"

Look, I love Groupon, okay?

But it was so depressing and demoralizing

to see my face and my picture next to...

whale watching tours,

Teeth whitening services,

and discontinued d*ldos on clearance.

I was like, "This is sad."

And then fast forward to last year,

my Netflix special Baby Cobra premiered

Mother's Day weekend.

And it was crazy,

nothing like that

had ever happened to me before.

All of a sudden scalpers were charging

up to $1,000 a ticket

to see me headline live.

Over 300 people dressed up as me

while I was pregnant

in that striped dress for Halloween.

And I was so happy.

Until I realized that I have no interest

in being famous. I don't.

All I ever wanted was more money

for less effort.

I just wanna collect checks in my pajamas.

Play a piece of tofu

in a Pixar movie or something.

Yeah, come on, you see it,

the tofu's got glasses,

a lot of attitude,

Sings some song about the joy of soy

with Justin Timberlake.

My arch nemesis can be a piece of beef

played by Idris Elba,

Named Stringer Beef or something.

I'm not even that famous

and already I hate it.

I hate it so much.

It's a burden!

Occasionally now,

I will be eating at a fancy restaurant

and will get recognized

by both the wait staff and the chef

and think to myself,

"Oh, great. Now I have to tip more."

And I do have more money now,

and now I make a lot more money

than my husband by like a long shot.

Well, my mom is very concerned

that he's going to leave me

out of intimidation.

I had to explain to her that

the only kind of man

that would leave a woman

who makes more money,

is the kind of man

that doesn't like free money.

"Oh, but Ali, he doesn't feel small?"

He's too busy living large

on my new salary!

"Oh. Oh...

Oh, but Ali, doesn't he feel

like you took something away from him?"

Oh, do you mean

like the pressure to provide?

Which I have lifted from his shoulders.

He's chilling.

He walks into work now every day

two hours late like this,

"F*** you!

F*** you, f*** you, and f*** you!

Fire me, I don't give a sh*t.

My wife's rich, b*tch.

Yeah!

Yeah, this job is just an eccentric hobby

for me now."

It was not supposed to go down like this.

Okay? I was supposed to be him.

I'm supposed to be the one chilling.

He graduated from Harvard Business School.

I have a BA from UCLA in Ethnic Studies.

Ethnic studies is a major where you study

how to blame everything on white people,

it's not supposed to yield income.

Nobody, no one could have predicted

this outcome.

So much so,

that before we got married,

his family made me sign a prenup.

It's true, and now if we get divorced,

their son is f***ed.

No more sashimi on a Tuesday!

No more fancy Japanese toilet bidet

where water comes out

and Hello Kitty sings the song

until your butthole's fresh and clean.

Go back to drinking flat water, b*tch!

It is said that

if you earn more in the relationship,

then you are the breadwinner.

I think my husband's the real breadwinner,

because he won a bread machine.

Being a woman and the breadwinner

is not all that, okay?

Because you get insecure,

you do, about having too much power,

so then you overcompensate

in the marriage

by letting the husband have a say and...

And then on top of that, you know,

I get very insecure

as being seen as like

an ice cold, workaholic mom,

so then I'm the main caregiver

of our daughter, too.

And I'm exhausted! I'm overwhelmed!

So now when my husband and I role play,

I request that he call me "a simple ho".

Because that is my greatest fantasy,

To be an illiterate farm girl,

With no responsibility

or decision-making power.

We'll get really into it, too.

He'll be like, "You!

You are nothing but a simple ho!"

And I'm like, "Yeah, I'm a real dummy.

I don't know the alphabet,

I don't know how to count,

I don't know the difference

between shapes and colors.

I can't be trusted to deposit checks

or do anything important,

for I am just a simple ho."

Despite having more money,

I keep it real, okay?

I am still a Chinese-Vietnamese person,

okay? Yeah.

I literally watch my Netflix special

on my sister-in-law's login.

To this day, I do not have my own account.

After I filmed Baby Cobra,

Netflix sent me a Netflix baby onesie

and a basket.

You know those baskets

that white people like to give

with the biscotti, and the cheese,

and the caramel popcorn,

and all the other sh*t that Asian people

have no interest in whatsoever.

I was like, "Give me an account!

I don't need this sh*t that

I'm allergic to, give me an account!"

I still buy all my sh*t on Craigslist,

nothing in my house is new.

But now, I have to go in a disguise

because last week

I forgot my sunglasses and my hat

and I was haggling with this dude

over a bike helmet.

He was like, "Twenty." I was like, "Ten."

He was like, "Okay, 17."

I was like,

"Uh-uh, I see a scratch on there. Ten."

And finally he says to me,

"Um, you know, I could swear, I...

Aren't you Ali Wong?

Why are you haggling with me

over this bike helmet?

I'm a college student

who, as you can see,

lives in a studio apartment

with roommates."

I was like...

"Shame on you. We don't all look alike!

Give me that helmet.

Me no speak-a the English!

My name is not Ali Wong,

my name is Grace Lee!

I dare you to Google Image Grace Lee.

Your computer will burst into flames!"

I make fun of my husband a lot,

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