Ali Wong: Hard Knock Wife Page #5

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but the reality is

that he is my best friend.

Yes, I'm very serious.

I'm very lucky

to have gotten to marry my best friend,

and our whole dynamic

confuses my mother

because it's the inverse

of what she had with my father.

She was like,

"Your father was not my best friend.

I cannot believe how comfortable

you guys are around each other.

Do you fart in front of your husband?"

I fart in my husband.

'Cause we are best friends.

I hope that he and I always stay together,

truly, you know?

'Cause a lot of times

when comedians get successful,

they inevitably get divorced

from their first spouse,

and then at the age of, like, 50 or 60,

they like to trade up for a new one

that's, like, a third of their age.

As a woman, that has zero appeal to me.

You think I wanna f*** an 18-year-old boy

when I'm on the precipice of menopause?

Have some nervous teenager do three pumps

and then bust a nut in my old-ass p*ssy?

No, thank you.

No gracias.

I don't wanna f*** an 18-year-old boy,

not now, not ever again,

because they're 18,

they're terrible in bed.

Do you remember

when we were all teenagers?

It was horrible for teenage girls

because oral sex was all one-way.

As a teenage girl,

you never ever got your p*ssy eaten,

but you sucked so many d*cks.

You'd suck a dick under a bridge,

in the bathroom, in the forest.

But as a teenage girl,

you never just casually got your p*ssy

eaten behind the bleachers,

"Come on, Gary. Come on...

Come on, Gary. Come on.

Just lie down on your back, Gary.

Come on, like you're gonna change oil.

Come on, Gary!"

"Did you see that wicked serve I made

in that tennis match?

Come on, Elliot, come on.

Congratulations to me!

Come on, Elliot.

Come on, Elliot.

Come on."

"There are no more children

in this playground.

Come on, Spencer. Come on!

It's dark, Spencer, come on!"

You had to, like, wait until your 20s

to get your p*ssy eaten,

and even then it was not very good

because it's very personal.

Do you know how long it took me

to train my husband

to eat my p*ssy correctly?

I'm not going back out into the world,

find somebody new to coach all over again.

It's too much work.

All of that knowledge

that my husband has now,

all that time I invested,

all of that muscle memory

lives and dies with him.

You can't store that

in some sort of I-p*ssy cloud

and then just download it

to a new husband 2.0.

He is bespoke to me.

Irreplaceable!

Yes.

Look, many patient nights

I wanted to fake it, okay?

But I knew that it was so fundamental

for the long-term that he get it right,

and that lying to him

would just be cheating myself.

And so, I would shove his head down there

and keep it down there

until his face got prunie.

Many nights, he'd enter 7:00 p.m.

looking like a 30-year-old man,

exit hours later

looking like Tommy Lee Jones.

You know how hard it is

for a young Asian man

to suddenly transform

into Tommy Lee Jones?

I think a big part

of being good at eating p*ssy

is that you just got to be into it, okay?

Do it with gusto, with enthusiasm.

It's a privilege,

so act like you know, okay?

Yes! Yeah, don't hesitate. Don't...

Like you're some toddler

being forced to eat broccoli.

Get in there!

And hold your own goddamn head up, too,

don't use my thigh as a tripod

and just...

Fall into a food coma

before you finish your meal.

Lately, I have been ruminating a lot

over this one time

I hooked up with this dude,

and in the middle of kissing,

I felt the responsibility to stop and say,

"Hey,

I should really let you know now

before we go any further that...

I'm on my period."

And he was like, "Oh...

Well...

Then let's make a f***ing mess, Ali!"

To this day,

that is the most romantic thing.

Anybody has ever said to me.

I think about it when I feel down

and ugly and no good.

All I have to do is remember that there was once a man out there who

was willing to yank out my tampon and replace it with his dick!

It made me feel beautiful.

Beautiful!

(cheers and applause.

There is nothing more empowering

and truly feminist

than what that man said that day.

That is straight up hashtag...

I'm with her.

You know, I think I used to be

a much different comic

before I had the baby.

I used to do a lot more jokes

about sucking dick

and my p*ssy, but now...

not as many jokes about...

Sucking dick

and my p*ssy because...

I don't suck dick no more.

When you give birth to a baby,

they hand you a diploma

that says, "Congratulations,

you've earned the right to not suck dick

out of obligation anymore."

If my husband were to demand

that I suck his dick,

I would laugh in his face.

And then I would go to sleep,

and guess what?

In the morning, he's still there,

ain't no consequence.

We're handcuffed together

by a baby and a mortgage.

Checkmate, b*tch. It's over.

You ain't got nowhere to run.

I don't gotta suck your dick anymore,

you owe me money.

And I don't do as many jokes

about my p*ssy anymore

because my p*ssy...

is gone.

It's gone.

Physically it's quite intact

because I had the C-section,

but emotionally and spiritually...

Ghost in the Shell.

Ghost in the Shell,

it's an Asian character being played

by Scarlett Johansson!

Yeah.

My husband and I,

we don't f*** no more.

We just jack off side-by-side

while we fantasize

about Puerto Rican people.

I don't have the energy

to climb on top of him,

clean up after sex,

put that towel on the bed

to absorb that post-sex wet spot.

You know, that perfectly round-ass

wet spot on the bed

that gets all cold in the winter time.

It's like an ice fishing hole.

Because it smells like penguins.

And is narrated by Morgan Freeman.

All right, I've been Ali Wong.

Have a good night, everybody. Thank you!

Graphic displays melt the steel

Like blacksmiths

Black Wu jackets

Queen Beez ease the guns in

Rumblin' patrolmen

Tear gas laced the function

Heads by the score take flight

Incite a war

Chicks hit the floor

Die hard fans demand more

Behold the bold soldier

Control the globe slowly

Proceeds to blow

Swingin' swords like Shinobi

Stomp grounds

I pound footprints in solid rock

Wu got it locked

Performin' live on your hottest block

As the world turns

I spread like germs

Bless the globe with the pestilence

The hard-headed never learn

It's my testament to those burned

Play my position in the game of life

Standing firm

On foreign land, jump the gun

Out the frying pan into the fire

Transform into the Ghostrider

Or Six Pack

In A Streetcar Named Desire

Who got my back?

In the line of fire holding back

What?

My peoples if you with me

Where the f*** you at?

Niggas is strapped

And they trying to twist my beer cap

It's court adjourned

For the bad seed from bad sperm

Herb got my wig fried like a bad perm

What the blood clot

We smoke pot

And blow spots

You want to think twice, I think not

The Iron Lung ain't got to tell you

Where it's coming from

Guns of Navarone

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