Alice in Wonderland Page #9

And took them right away...

Oh, I confess!

I didn't do it!

And I'm glad, glad, glad I didn't do it!

And if I had my time again, I

probably still wouldn't do it.

Bang! An open and shut case.

That can't be right!

Did you say something, Alice?

No.

I'm glad that's over.

Members of the jury,

twelve good pigs and true

you must retire and consider your verdict.

- Not yet!

- Why not?

There's a great deal more to

come before you can say that.

That's odd - not to say strange.

Gentlemen of the jury it's

obvious the accused is guilty.

Put aside the evidence and look at his face...

It is the face of a habitual criminal.

A hardened felon, a recalcitrant rogue...

What is it?

We're lawyers for the defence!

Oh, I... er... rest my case.

Call the first witness.

Call the first witness!

CALL the first witness!

Call the first witness!

Call the first witness!

Call the first witness!

Call the first witness!

Call the first witness!

Good day!

Good day!

Snap!

I'm sorry about bringing

these things in with me

but I hadn't quite finished

my tea when I was sent for.

He never finishes his tea.

It isn't healthy, all those cucumber

sandwiches. Look at his legs!

I can't.

That's what I mean!

He's got a case of "cucumber legs".

The worst I've ever seen and

I've seen a few in my time.

Well you're a fine one to talk tubby!

You ought to have finished tea.

What time did you start?

I'll have to ask Mr Hare.

Send for him...

I didn't finish the sentence.

- You haven't passed one yet, Your Majesty.

- Oh, that's right.

When did we start tea? Fourteenth, wasn't it?

Fifteenth.

Sixteenth.

Write that down.

Fourteen, fifteen and sixteen.

Fourteen, fifteen and sixteen.

Now, subtract, multiply, and

convert to grams and kilos.

What's the answer?

They're slow.

They should be able to do it in their heads.

Off with them.

That hat! Disrespect of this Court. Take it off!

And his head with it.

I can't, Your Honour.

Why can't you take it off, pray?

It isn't mine.

Stolen!

Members of the Jury, write that down!

Stolen hat, one. This man

is a self-confessed thief

and he has the gall to come into

this court as a character witness!

The King seems very prejudiced.

Oh thank you, Alice.

That's what makes me so

eminently qualified to be a judge.

Oh yes!

Don't I know you?

I sell hats. I've none of my own.

I'm um um a hatter.

Then why didn't you say so. That's

the first thing you should've said.

Now give us your evidence.

Don't be nervous...

Oh no no no...

Or we'll execute you on the spot.

I'm not nervous.

I've nothing to hide.

Done my duty, served my country...

I do know you.

Didn't we meet in Biarritz in the summer

of '41? Or wasn't it Heidelberg?

Hatter! Your evidence!

He' s just making him more nervous.

Stay calm, Mr Hatter!

I'm a poor man, Your Honour,

and I haven't had my tea.

And what with the sandwiches getting

ruined after being eaten once...

and the twinkling of the tea cups...

Twinkling?

You're the "Twinkler"!

I remember, you sang at my

concert "Twinkle, twinkle little..."

Twinkle, Twinkle little gnat.

How I wonder what you're at.

You are very small indeed

you can vanish up my sleeve.

Up my sleeve, up my sleeve.

You can vanish up my sleeve.

We don't do encores.

But we're available for

weddings and funerals.

You did sing at my concert.

But this was even worse!

I've been practicing!

It's an offence against all we hold dear.

Cedric, this man ruined my concert

just as he's ruining your trial!

Oh! Sire, I'm a poor man,

I stand before you full of

remorse and malnutrition.

When Mr March Hare said...

I deny it!

I object.

Objection denied.

Ask Dormouse.

Ask Dormouse what?

I can't remember.

You must remember or I'll have you executed!

Stand your ground, Mr Hatter!

I'm a very poor man, Your Majesty.

And a very poor actor!

Ooooo.

Suppress that cheering.

If that's all you know, you may stand down.

Well I can't get down any

lower, I'm on the floor as it is.

You may go.

Would you like another chorus of "Twinkle"?

GO!

Take off his head outside!

Call the next witness.

What about me?

What about you?

I'm the accused.

All you do is call witnesses!

It's not fair.

I should have the most important part here.

I haven't said a word for pages and pages...

What did you want to say?

I'd just like you to know that

I have no need to steal.

I'm independently wealthy.

I've all the money I need for the rest of my life

provided I die by one

am tomorrow morning...

We'll try and arrange it.

Well, that's all right then.

Jack's an idiot.

He's your nephew.

Only on my Father's side.

That's my cook. How dare she!

Give your evidence.

Shan't!

Shan't?

Shan't... shan't!

What now?

Your worship must

cross-examine the witness.

- Oh must I?

- Be a man, Cedric.

Be a man!

Oh, very well.

What are the tarts made of?

Ere what about repeating

the question, kind sir?

I recognize your accent... Girton College?

No, I went to Oxford, Misses.

You poor devil, and what did you study?

Ow to speak like this!

The witness will answer the question.

What are the tarts made of?

Pepper, mostly.

Treacle.

What did he say?

Treacle!

That's Mr Dormouse!

He's no right to be here.

Off with his whiskers!

Call the next witness!

Call Alice!

I'm sorry.

What's the matter Alice?

I don't like being called up here like this.

I should like it, if it happened to me.

Yes, most people like being

the centre of attention.

Now, what do you know about

this business with the tarts?

Nothing whatsoever!

That's very important.

Unimportant, Your Majesty.

Unimportant, of course,

is what I mean to say...

Unimportant.

Unimportant.

Important.

Unimportant.

I've told you all I know. I'd like

to go back to my seat now.

We're moved by your plea, but I

am reminded of Rule Forty-Two:

All persons more than a mile

high have to leave Wonderland.

I'm not a mile high.

You are.

More like two miles high!

You just invented that rule.

It's the oldest rule in the book.

Then it should be Rule Number One!

Careful Cedric, they're taking over the Court,

especially that girl.

Punish somebody.

You've too much to say for yourself Alice.

Jury consider your verdict.

No! Sentence first, verdict after.

That's stupid!

Have a care, Alice!

I can't let you condemn an innocent man.

Why not? It happens all the time.

Off with her...

Don't keep shouting "Off with her head"

in case someone shouts "Off with yours".

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