Alistair McHarg Requests the Pleasure of Your Company Page #2

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- Sorry.

All right. Will you blank me?

Third word.

Saunter.

- Marry?

- Stuart, he's proposing.

Katie, will you marry me?

Yes! Yes! She says yes!

- Honey?

- Katie!

Katie!

Katie!

Honestly, Katherine,

do you have any idea how embarrassing

that was for me last night?

I didn't say no, Mom.

I just said I needed to think about it.

What's there to think about?

That boy is a catch, and he's crazy

about you. God knows why.

Just tell me, what is it you want?

Because William is perfect.

For one thing, he's just about

the most attractive orthodontist

I think I've ever seen.

And he's incredibly romantic.

Mom, I know he's perfect.

I just need a little time.

Will you talk to her, Stuart?

Not to toot my own horn,

but William reminds me a lot of me

when I was younger.

Are you listening to your father?

He is not my father.

This man is more of a father to you

than your father ever was,

God rest his soul.

- Dad is not dead.

- He's dead to me, the son of a b*tch.

- Don't talk about Dad that way!

- Don't you raise your voice to me!

- You're getting emotional, Lois.

- I am not getting emotional!

All right.

I am leaving this house in five minutes,

and if you want to be on that bus,

I suggest you pull yourself together.

Sometimes I wonder if you still love him.

Who?

- Dad.

- Are you crazy? Are you out of your mind?

Well, you must have loved him once.

Honey, I was 18 when I met your father

and about as dumb as a piece of ham.

What did I know about love?

All I knew was...

He was the hottest thing

that I had ever seen.

Oh, he looked like a panther,

a sex panther.

Sounds like love to me.

Well, there's a big difference between love

and mindless, animalistic, carnal lust.

And what do you have with Stuart?

What I have with Stuart is what I want

for you and William.

- A mature, stable relationship.

- But are you happy?

Of course I'm happy. I'm very happy.

Very, very happy.

No, no. Very happy.

Very happy.

- I gotta go. The bus is here.

- All right.

Very happy.

There she is. There's my beautiful girl!

Hey! Keep it down.

I will eat your head!

I will tear it off, shove it up your ass,

pull it through your mouth,

brush my teeth with it, and then eat it!

- I will eat it.

- Smitty!

I'm not finished. Eat it!

- Dad.

- What?

- Apologize to him.

- Oh, come on.

I'm serious, Dad. It's just rude. Now.

Do it now, Dad.

Hey, Dave. I'm sorry.

Smitty, I'm working

on my appeal over here.

I know, I know. I'm sorry.

You see, that's why

I love you so much, Baby Bear.

You got your mother's good heart.

What's wrong?

No, nothing.

William asked me to marry him.

But that's good.

That's what you wanted, no?

Yeah.

No.

Oh, Dad, I don't know. I just...

I mean, how are you supposed to know

when you're with the right person?

Just listen to your heart, Baby Bear.

You'll know.

Hey, do you know what I do

when I'm feeling blue?

Yeah. You drink homemade toilet wine.

No!

Well, yeah.

But I also write in my gratitude journal.

And every day, I write about the things

that I have to be grateful for,

like you and your mother.

Oh, here.

"December 25th, Christmas Day.

"I am grateful that somebody finally

stabbed that cocksucker Rodriguez."

Dad.

I'm gonna say yes.

Yes!

I mean, we get along so well, right?

He's so funny. He cracks me up, you guys.

I'm gonna say yes.

That's great. Right, Matador?

I think William is kind of a turd.

- Really?

- Yeah.

But he's like a turd

with a piece of candy in it.

Marriage isn't in our blood.

We're circus folk.

Gypsies roaming from big top to big top

on the open road.

You guys have been working in the diner

since I've known you.

Not in here, Katie. Not in here.

Gentlemen, observe.

Can I get you guys anything else?

Will you marry me?

- Excuse me?

- Will you marry me?

Seriously.

Think about it.

What could possibly be more romantic

than throwing away your entire life

and running off with some handsome,

dark-haired stranger

you spotted across a restaurant?

I'm sorry. He's had a lot of syrup.

- Okay.

- Okay, he's had a lot of syrup?

Okay, I'll marry you.

What?

Yes. Yes.

I'll marry you!

Jane! Jane! Will you cover for me?

Where're you going?

I'm getting married! To this guy!

Come on. Come on!

Go. Get out of here. I got the bill.

Oh!

Anderson.

- Katie.

- Katie. Hi.

Two kisses.

Big rig. Watch this.

Stick that arm up your ass!

Got a brand new roof

above my head

All the empty boxes

thrown away

- Can I ask you a question?

- Yeah. Yeah.

So years from now,

when we're celebrating

our 37th wedding anniversary

and one of our friends

asks us about our first date,

is this what we'll talk about?

I guess it is. Yeah. Okay.

And... And then I'll tell them

the funny part.

What's the funny part?

That after we talked about it,

you stepped in dog sh*t.

- Oh! I stepped in dog sh*t!

- Yeah.

Why didn't you warn me?

You could have warned me.

That would have ruined the story.

Ah, man. Can I borrow your...

Oh, God! Cut it out!

Okay, careful, careful.

I've never been up here before.

Yeah, it's a cool place to come if you want

to get an old refrigerator filled with vomit.

I was looking for one of those.

Yeah? Well, I think

it's two-for-one day, so...

Look what I've got.

Tetanus?

- This is stupid.

- What?

You know, this. Us sitting up here,

pretending we're doing something.

It's just stupid.

It is, right?

I mean, obviously

we're not getting married.

Obviously.

- Strangers don't get married.

- Well, in some cultures they do.

- They do?

- But not ours.

Not ours.

Other cultures, far-away cultures.

The Kalahari bushmen is one example.

- And my parents did. They did.

- They did?

My mom barely knew my dad,

and she got pregnant with me,

and they eloped

to this weird little place

called The House of Wedded Bliss

in Atlantic City.

The House of Wedded Bliss?

Yeah.

Doesn't that sound incredibly romantic?

Sounds like a bad Chinese takeout place.

Yeah, well, I mean, just because they did,

doesn't mean that we are, right?

You probably weren't even serious

when you asked.

Were you?

Of course not.

You see, that's what I'm talking about.

I mean, this whole thing is just...

It's stupid.

- Wait.

- I'm sorry.

Wait, wait, wait. What's happening?

I'm just such an idiot.

Are you crying?

- No.

- Why are you crying?

I am not crying.

It really looks like you're crying.

Yeah, well, I'm crying now.

Are you satisfied, you a**hole?

Hey. Hey, hey.

Hey. Hey, you.

Hey! Hey.

Are you okay?

I can't remember the last time I did that.

I don't think I've ever done that.

- Do you want a tissue?

- No, I'm fine. I feel incredible.

Really?

Why is that?

- You sure you don't want a tissue?

- No, I'm fine.

Anderson, when you asked me

to marry you,

you probably picked the only girl

in the whole world that would say yes.

I don't think that's a coincidence, do you?

I don't know.

- Do you believe in fate?

- No.

Neither do I.

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