All About Steve Page #2

you're gonna have to burn those damn boots.

- [Squeaking]

- Carol, I have a date.

A blind one.

[Groans]

But...

if this Steven is anything better than

excessively hideous...

I think we really should try and make it work.

Because, if society wants me to be normal...

then normal we shall be, right?

Yes.

Oh, and, Carol, I really would appreciate

your support on this too.

And by "support," I don't mean that.

[Squeaking]

- [Mother] Mary?

- [Door Opens]

[Singsongy]

Knock, knock, knock.

Oh. Look at you.

Already have- repeatedly.

Mar. He's hot.

[Whispering] Please don't mean on the inside.

[Clears Throat]

- [Man] I'm a cameraman for CCN-

- [Father] Mm-hmm?

- A news program.

- We don't really watch-

- Work with a guy called Hartman Hughes.

Ever seen him?

- No. Can't say I have, but-

[Mother Clears Throat]

[Clears Throat]

[Both Chuckle]

Hey, Mary. I'm Steve.

[Father Chuckles]

[Whispering]

Carol. Carol, I bring news.

There's been a-

There's been a most unexpected turn of events.

My date is substantially

better looking than one might have predicted.

And you know what? Colin Powell once said,

"There's no secret to success."

Well...

clearly he doesn't understand the power

of spectacular skivvies.

There she is!

[Boots Squeaking]

Oh, wow.

Nice boots.

[Chuckles]

Thank you.

You ready?

Mmm.

- So nice to meet you.

- [Father] Yeah.

- Oh, yeah. It's raining outside.

- Hold this. The door.

- [Father] Let me get that door for you.

- Thanks again.

- Good luck. Shalom.

- [Sniffs]

[Thunder Rumbles]

I have to admit, at first I wasn't so sure

about this whole blind date thing...

but now I'm surprised

our parents didn't set it up earlier...

especially knowing my mother.

Must be some kind of conspiracy.

Oop. You good?

Oh, he's so not gay.

[Thunder Rumbling]

Oh, man, it's coming down.

- It's really coming down, huh?

- [Keys Clinking]

I thought maybe we could go to, uh, Ernesto's.

They've got great tamales.

And they have this drink

called, uh, "El Gallo Negro."

It means "the black rooster."

- You have, like, two of those drinks, it's like you-

- [Gags]

- Oh. You okay? You okay?

- [Gagging]

Mmm. Mmm. Mmm.

Wait, wait.

What-What about-What about your parents?

- What about my parents?

- Your mom.

Mmm. She's married,

and you're not her type. Mmm.

No, I just mean-

I just mean we're right in front of home.

Whoa. I just-

I just mean we're right in front of their house.

And I have no problem with that whatsoever.

- [Horn Honks]

- Oh, Steven. Oh, Steven.

- [Horn Honks]

- Is that Steven with a "V" or Stephen with a "P-H"?

- It's with a "V."

- [Chuckles] I thought so.

- Yeah.

- Thought so. You know, There's over...

a million Stevens with a- a "V" in the country.

It's much more popular than the "P-H" way.

Twice as popular, in fact.

I think it was the Brits who prefer their P-H's.

- [British Accent]

Yeah. Not as much as their fish and chips.

- [Laughing]

Steven, we really should commend our mothers...

- for predicting

our all-encompassing compatibility.

- I got it.

I mean, we're-we're both

professionally compatible...

you in TV,

and- and me in, uh-you know, in newspapers.

I'll help you. Also noticing we're both

quite sexually compatible.

I don't know if you noticed like I noticed,

but we're both wearing blue...

- and what are the chances of that?

- Ooh.

- Okay?

- Yeah. Yeah.

- Of course, the chances are probably pretty good-

- [Groans]

Given that blue is one of the most popular

of the three colors.

Do you, uh- Do you like crosswords?

- Sure I do.

- [Gasps]

- Really?

- Yeah. [Groans]

You know how when the perfect clue

gets stuck in your brain...

and it just explodes

into this bouquet of mixed emotions?

I'm- I'm aroused.

I'm intrigued. I'm a- I'm amused.

- I'm perplexed. I'm- I'm just like all these things.

- Uh-huh.

- Yeah?

- Yeah. Can- Let's go back to the, uh- the aroused.

- Okay. Okay. Wow. Steven.

- Whoa.

- Oh.

- It's like we're two rare Earth elements...

just brought together by the Norns.

- It's just-That's Scandinavian for the Destinies.

- Oh.

- And now I'm going to eat you

like a mountain lion.

- [Thunder Rumbles]

- [Snarls]

- You know what? I'm sorry.

- It's my phone.

- What are you doing?

- I didn't hear it ring. That's odd.

- Vibrate. It vibrated.

- I didn't feel it.

- Oh, probably because of all the grinding.

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

- I'll get over here. [Kissing]

- Yeah?

What? Yeah. What's up?

- All right. I'm coming.

- Oh! Already?

- Okay. Okay. I can hurry. I can hurry.

- No, no, no, no, no, no.

L- I gotta go to work.

- There's breaking news.

- Oh. Oh!

- Gosh, I'm so sorry.

- Well, it's-it's okay. It's-

I gotta go to, uh, Boston.

Wow. Boston, huh?

That's a spectacular city.

Known not only for its- its tea...

but, uh, for Sam Morse,

who invented the Morse code.

- Get out of here.

- Yes. Do you want some help?

No. You know, it's so- it'd be so much more

interesting staying here and everything.

Like, I really wish you could be there.

- Life on the road sure is tough.

- Oh. L- l-

But you have a job to do.

Oh. He likes Twinkies.

Okay. It's been fun.

- [Shudders] Okay. That's for you.

- Oh. Gracias.

Yeah.

[Exhales]

[Sighs]

Thank God.

[Mouthing Words]

Okay. Big crazy person.

[Tires Squeal]

##[Pop]

# You got me stuck to you

You got me stuck to you #

# You got me stuck to you

You got me stuck to you #

# You got me stuck to you

You got me stuck to you #

[Mary Narrating]

When I was a fledgling cruciverbalist-

that means crossword constructor-

I would find comfort in the words

of the learned crossword sages.

My hero was Manny Nosowsky...

frequent New York Times contributor

and all-around cruciverbal master.

Manny says that

a crossword puzzle's greatness...

can be determined

by asking three simple questions: :

- Is it solvable?

- Bonsoir!

# You got me stuck to you

You got me stuck to you #

- [Mary Narrating] Is it entertaining?

- # You got me stuck to you #

# You got me stuck to you

You got me stuck to you #

Does it sparkle?

# You got me stuck to you #

# Clap hands

Come on ##

[Man] Yes. Okay. So, lunch meeting

at thatJapanese restaurant at 1::30, okay?

And I need to- l-This crossword is bullshit.

Anyway, he said he was gonna change,

and I, for one, believe him, so-

This doesn't make any sense.

- Well, to me, it does.

- Oh. Yeah. Of course.

- [Man] This is lame.

- [Man #2] Have you tried six down?

- [Man #1] These clues suck!

- [Man Clears Throat]

[Dryers Whirring]

I can't get any of these!

Oh, thanks.

Don't even bother. I don't know what the deal is,

but it looks like every single clue is-

[Soloman]

"All About Steve"?

[Soloman] One across: Steve's eye color.

Five across:
Steve's car odor.

Twenty across:
Steve's lips taste like-

Mint explosion.

Mary, who's Steve?

- Oh. An extraordinary-

- No, no. That's not what's important.

What's important is what you've done

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