All About Steve Page #3

with this crossword puzzle. I mean, it's- it's-

- It's inspired.

- No.

- Romantic.

- No.

Oh, you're a tough one today. Let's see. Um-

It's unprofessional.

Un- No. [Chuckles]

That's not the word.

Um, okay. Let me think. You are-

Mmm.

You've tarnished the paper's reputation.

I mean, I really thought that you would've known

better than to pull something like this.

Do you have any idea

how many readers you've let down?

Uh, 7,402, but-

- Mary.

- Yes?

[Exhales]

Mary, we're gonna have to let you go.

Oh.

[Chuckles Nervously]

I could make it up to you...

by doing a fishing themed crossword.

I know how you love the- the piscatology.

[Whistles, Chuckles]

[Whistles]

- I'm sorry.

- [Mouths Word]

We can, um-

Yeah, we'll just, uh-We'Il-

I'll call you, and we'll just-

Police tell us that the chief suspect in the case

is one Mr. Mark McLaglen.

Okay, guys. You're set.

Tucson's affiliate's on site now.

Remote van's waiting for you at the airport.

- [Steve] Okay.

- But I get an Escalade, right?

Dan, we talked about this.

Nick Vasquez gets an Escalade.

- Nick Vasquez has six Emmys.

- Stolen from me.

- He was robbed, Dan. All six times.

- Thank you, Stevie.

I mean, he can't help it

if he's considerably older than Vasquez.

By "older" he means

experienced, Marlboro Man handsome.

Um, I'm pretty sure I meant old.

Wh-Wh-Wh-Whatever.

Which one of you geniuses can explain this?

...little feller just needs to stiffen up.

With the two purple flowers-

- I'd, uh, be happy to, Dan.

- Look at how the blue brings out my eyes.

Yeah. What I was going for here was-

Oh, look at that smooth push-in.

Western motif, sort of the iconic flower.

Then I needed a backdrop,

like a mountainous range. Boom! Two mountains.

In Hollywood, they call that a Mae West,

'cause Mae West had-

Keep talking, fellas. Keep talking your way

right back to the Weather Channel.

Right back to 10 degrees in Buffalo...

where you'll be spending most of your days

taking close-up shots of kids' snotsicles.

Well, give us something good, Danny.

- I mean- [Scoffs] we're fighter pilots, man.

- Yeah, we really are.

It's like sending an F-16

to kill your neighbor's dog.

It's a waste of our energy.

And I need one big report, man,

to get that anchor desk.

Get out of my office.

This is a big report, so don't screw it up with

any more stupid pranks this time, Hartman.

And you, Angus,

you're responsible for these guys.

Make sure they don't embarrass me in Tucson.

They screw around, you're out.

- Yes, sir.

- Remember the Escalade.

[Lmitates Engine Revving]

[Scoffs]

- Starling, how you doing?

- Whatever.

- Jackie, looking sweet. Paula.

- In your dreams.

- I can feel your love darts coming over this way.

- [Cell Phone Ringing]

- Mom. I'm working. What's up?

- You're the man, Hartman Hughes.

No, I haven't read it. Why?

Uh, okay. Hey.

Does anybody have a Sacramento Herald?

- Yeah. Right here.

- Right. Yeah, I got it.

Yes, I ate lunch. What section?

Oh, wow. This is all about me.

Wait. This is all about me.

##[Classical:
: Woman Singing Aria]

##[Continues]

Yes.

[Mutters]

Oh. Ow, ow, ow.

[Groans Softly]

Doesn't hurt, doesn't hurt, doesn't hurt.

But obviously the gods have seen-

Where are you?

Ooh. Hi. There you are.

Okay. Do you know what's at work here?

Pistas. Indicios. Anhaltspunkte.

Clues. They're just-They're-They're everywhere.

One, I was thinking of not going on the date,

but then the good children...

of, uh, Youngstrum Academy kindly-

You know, they-they persuaded me to go.

Two, my date duly arrives.

And Io, not only is he, uh, muy caliente,

but he likes my red boots.

Three, Steve says it would be great...

if I could be on the road with him.

But, of course, I cannot because I have a job.

Four, only days later,

I learn I no longer have a job...

which is obviously just the final clue

leading to the blindingly simple answer:

Onward, Mary Horowitz. Onward. Go be with Steve.

What do you mean you don't have a job?

Missing the point, Father. Uh, the clues

have been deciphered. I must journey forth.

Journey forth where?

[Singsongy]

Father, you're making me crazy.

[Dog Barks]

- ## [News Theme]

- Ah. Voil, Papa.

If it is news, Steven is there.

Auf Wiedersehen.

This is Hartman Hughes reporting from the edge.

- Anybody seen Vasquez? Huh?

- [Helicopter Whirs Overhead]

- Anybody seen Vasquez?

- No.

Too much of a p*ssy to come

to a dangerous hostage crisis.

- [Angus] Thirty seconds.

- [Hartman]

Just gonna bring you around on the left.

Well, I wanna open up on the dust,

then we're gonna hit a 45 up to your right side.

All right. Steve, but I'm gonna indicate

down the street. I'm gonna come around the left.

- And right here.

- Ten seconds-you're on with Paula.

She still mad at you

for giving thoseJenny Craig gift certificates?

- And five, four-

- Fact I was looking at her ass

to begin with is a compliment.

##[News Theme]

Paula, I've just arrived

at Wild Willy's Old Western Town...

beloved tourist attraction in Tucson, Arizona.

On a typical day, this street would be busy...

with families eager to enjoy

the Wild West life experience.

Tragically, today,

the man who plays Wild Willy the Outlaw...

has taken his role to heart...

and captured eight of his coworkers,

taking them hostage...

and holding them in the saloon...

a mere 85 yards away from where I stand now.

- [Loud Bang]

- Shots have been fired, Paula!

- Let's go handheld, Steve!

- ##[News Theme]

##[Dramatic News Theme]

It's unclear at this moment

who the shot was intended for...

or how many lives have perhaps been lost.

Okay. Breaking news, Paula.

We have our first confirmed kill:

A horse.

One of many that live here

at Wild Willy's Old Western Town.

[Sighs]

First victim of this senseless tragedy.

It's at moments like this I'd like to believe

that there's a heaven just for horses-

rolling meadows, lush grasses...

the spirits of deceased horses

galloping to and fro.

Long may you roam...

- in heaven, O noble horse.

- [Paper Tears]

[Angus, Whispering]

Not dead.

[Whinnies]

And yet, the horse not quite dead, Paula.

Not quite dead at all.

He's apparently a trained horse, Paula.

- Trained to drop down-

- [Paper Tears]

During Wild Willy's

Old West shoot-out routine.

This particular horse...

also sensitive to trucks backfiring on Route 20.

Well-

[Chuckles]

- In the midst of tragedy, a blessed miracle.

- [Blusters]

- Cut.

- [Hartman]

Damn it, Steve! Do you think this is funny?

You guys could see the horse is alive, and you're

giving me the "bring 'em the tears" signal?

No, no. This is the "bring the tears" signal.

This is "Hey, the horse is up. It's galloping."

[Laughs]

Yeah.

[Mary]

You know my favorite answer?

"Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis."

It's a lung disease. Ooh! Fontana, California.

Y-You know what they make there? No?

No? They make-They make steel.

Yeah. Do you know how they make it? No?

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes