All About Steve Page #4

I won't bore you with the whole story,

just the-just the best parts...

like- like how it's made from, uh,

molten pig iron, which- [Chuckles]

Which does not, as everyone might think,

have anything to do with pigs or swines or hogs.

It's-lt's a raw iron made from iron and coke.

And by coke, I mean the, uh, carbonaceous residue,

not the-not the cola.

Or the booger sugar.

[Chuckles]

It's-It's a method perfected

by Sir Henry Bessemer, a Brit.

Oh. And Bessemer is also a town in Alabama. Yea!

Yep. And you know what they have there? No? No?

Hitler's typewriter.

[Scoffs] Hitler's typewriter.

That guy was such an a**hole.

- Anyone up for a potty break?

It's not good to hold it.

- [Hydraulic Brakes Hiss]

We're gonna take five minutes here.

Establishments in desolate areas like this

are usually run by family members that are, uh-

No! No! Stop!

- [Applause]

- [Man] Whoo-hoo!

Crap. Crap.

- [Door Opens]

- [Bell Jingles]

##[Background:
: Man Singing Country, Indistinct]

#I want to hit the road #

Yes. Hi. Uh, Do you know when

the next bus to Tucson goes through here?

'Cause I kind of just-just missed mine.

##[Continues]

I'm headed that way.

Oh. That's nice.

So, you ever kill any animals?

Set a trash can full ofkittens on fire?

You know, something like that.

No.

No? Okay.

What about humans? That had to-

Would I tell you if I did?

[Chuckles]

Touch, sir. Touch.

#Hit the road and drive for miles #

#I'm gonna hit the road

and I'm not gonna-#

You can wait for that next bus if you want.

- [Door Opens]

- [Bell Jingles]

##[Continues]

[Truck Engine Starts]

[Burps]

Uh- Uh-

Roughly 9.85.

I will give this to you and just-Thank you.

Stop! Stop!

[Coughing]

May I see your license, please?

##[Radio:
: Country, Indistinct]

Norman James Durwood?

Mary Magdalene Horowitz. Nice to meet you.

Good to meet you, I think.

Norm, if you are going to rape and murder me...

you are going to have to cut my body up

into a million chunks...

and scatter me all over four states...

because this appendage...

will lead homicide detectives right to you.

And that would be no bueno. I think we're good.

[Mary] My other rules about

crossword is this: No pencils.

Doing a crossword with a pencil is like

screaming with your lips duct-taped together.

It is weak.

If you're going to do a crossword puzzle...

you need to do it fearlessly

and with abandon and with a pen.

I prefer medium felt-tip blue.

It's about choosing your path, Norm,

and just committing to it.

Well, I figure that when you miss a bus...

maybe you weren't meant to take it.

Hmm.

Are you familiar with, uh-

with, uh, moon blindness, Norm?

- It's like this awful eye pus that starts to ooze-

- You know...

quiet time might be real good right about now.

Oh. Okay.

Quiet. Silencio.

Ruhe.

Hey, Norm.

Mary?

Thanks for not raping me.

My pleasure.

[Man On Recording] Howdy, partners!

Welcome to Wild Willy's OI' Western Town!

Howdy, partners! Welcome to

Wild Willy's OI' Western Town!

- All righty. Give my love to the kids.

- [Chuckles]

Good luck. And if that Steve

shows you any disrespect-

Disrespect. Well, if you mean unmannerly...

tactless and vulgar,

he is a straight man, Norman.

Some things can't be helped.

But if you mean that he's someone-

See ya, Mary.

- See ya, Norm.

- [Laughing]

[Horn Blasts]

##[Western Swing]

- #I want to be a cowboy's sweetheart #

- [Horse Blusters]

#I want to learn to rope and ride #

#I want to ride o'er the plains and the desert #

# Out west of the Great Divide #

#I want to hear the coyotes howlin'#

- [Panting]

- # While the sun sinks in the west #

#I want to be a cowboy's sweetheart #

# The life I love the best ##

Hola. Senor.

[Speaking Spanish]

What happened?

They're all safe.

The man surrendered. (ha, ha)

(ha, ha, ha)

(ha, ha, ha) Crap.

[Radio:
: Woman Speaking Spanish]

- Adis.

- Adis, senora.

[Radio:
Spanish Continues]

[Speaking Spanish]

What did they say?

- Baby Peggy...

- S?

- In Oklahoma...

- S?

Poor little thing.

Oh. Oh. Gracias. Gracias, senor.

- De nada.

- I:
Hasta luego!

Vaya con Dios.

[Woman]

...Guadalupe Aguero, or to us, Baby Peggy...

was born with an extremely rare

birth defect:
A third leg.

Shortly after the birth,

her poor immigrant parents separated.

Now with joint custody, one parent

wants the abnormal baby to keep the third leg.

- The other wants it gone.

- After months of legal wrangling...

the judge has ordered in favor of the mother.

Amputation surgery is scheduled for tomorrow...

but the father, Mr. Aguero,

isn't about to give up.

As his lawyers work to secure an injunction...

the father continues to rally support

around the rogue leg.

I'm quoting. "If God didn't want my daughter

to have a third leg...

he wouldn't have stuck one

between the other two."

So, for now, the fate

of the precious child's third leg...

is in the hands of a judge.

Hartman Hughes,

reporting from Oklahoma City...

near the leg,

and as always, from the edge.

- Cut.

- Okay. What do you think?

In the next segment,

I was thinking about saying...

"Baby Peggy is in

a three-legged race against time."

- What do you think?

- Okay.

- Wanna do some one-on-ones?

- Do it.

Okay. Just intelligent arguments from both sides.

Intelligent arguments, guys!

I was born with a vestigial penis.

That means a penis hanging outside the body.

You know, like yours. I'm talking about

a ding-a-ling. Know what I'm saying?

And it was pretty good size. I was kind of

proud of it. I got to be in seventh grade.

I used to work it, hang it on the side in gym class.

I got all the attention.

Now there's just a big old scar.

Can you feel it? Can you feel that scar?

Right? Okay. So, they cut it off, then-

What? What happened? H- I wasn't finished.

- That was unbelievable.

- Yeah, that was the, uh, highlight of my morning.

[Vehicle Approaching]

- Vasquez.

- Where?

[Steve]

Oh. That's a new Escalade.

He's got three security guards.

Look at that. He brought toys.

Ooh, that's that guy from the news.

Hey. You with the baby. Hey.

Son of a b*tch.

He's got a three-legged doll baby. Angus!

[No Audible Dialogue]

##[Oldies:
: Men Vocalizing]

What?

Oh, no.

[Women]

#Love him, I love him, I love him #

#And where he goes

I'll follow, I'll follow, I'll follow #

#I will follow him #

#Follow him wherever he may go #

- Hi!

- Oh!

- [Laughs] Hey.

- Hi. Hi.

- Hey. Oh.

- [Giggles]

- How are ya? Hey!

- I'm good. Surprise!

Yeah, I didn't- l-Yeah.

[Laughs]

- Look at you, here.

- Sorry it took me so long.

- It did. It did.

- Yeah.

- [Chuckles]

- Oh, I brought your-

I brought your umbrella back.

- And I got a surprise-

- Oh. I have a lot, but that's fine.

That I know you love.

Oh. Wow. That's, uh-

- That's-Wow. That's scary thoughtful.

- [Chuckles]

- Thanks. Thank you.

- I-I-I know you love them. Twinkies.

- So, you-you-you came here

all the way just to see me?

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