All About Steve Page #5

- Yes, sir.

"Ask and you shall receive."

You know who said that?

- No.

- Jesus.

- Did Jesus tell you to come here?

- [Laughs]

Jesus ask me to come here.

[Laughing]

- No. You did.

- Oh. No. No.

- Yes, you did.

- No, I didn't.

- Yes, you did.

- I don't think so.

Yes. Right after you fondled my breasts.

Remember?

- Who?

- You. [Makes Noise] Remember?

- Oh.

- "Oh, life on the road sure is awful.

Sure would be great if you could

be out there with me." [Makes Noise]

- [Laughs]

- Oh, yeah.

With your big old hands.

Just grabbed my little puppies and-

- Yeah.

- Went to town. [Giggles]

- It felt good.

- Good.

- Yeah.

- Uh, well, that's great.

Yeah. It will be great,

because you are making journalistic history-

- Oh. That's sweet of you to say.

- And I will be right by your side...

for- for support and encouragement...

and whatever, like...

- nurturing and-and coddling

you as a man should require.

- Okay.

I'm-I'm pretty much a one-man team. It's just-

It's- It's just me and, uh, my camera.

God, yeah.

- You know what? And yes.

- Can't believe it.

You know, the news- the news needs you. Look.

Because I-I bet my left ovary...

that that- that's Baby Peggy's daddy

leaving the hospital to avoid the press.

- Right there. Look.

- Oh, no, that's a nurse.

- No. Right-

- No, they're all dressed like-

There's a lot of nurses.

- 'Cause we're at a hospital.

- But a- But a nurse not wearing

sterilized nonslip footwear?

- What?

- Look.

Oh! Ho-Holy sh*t! You're right.

- Yeah. L- I should, uh-Thank you.

- Go, Steven with a "V."

First priority, your-your occupation.

First priority, your-your occupation.

Second priority, fornication!

[Chuckles]

[Deep Voice]

Fornication. [Chuckles]

- Excuse me, ma'am.

- Yes. Ooh. Sorry? [Chuckles]

- Only media are allowed up here.

- Oh. Absolutely.

My credentials, kind sir.

- "Cruciverbalist"?

- S.

- You gotta stay down there with your friends.

- [Crowd Chanting]

My friends.

[Chuckles]

[Crowd]

Don't make us beg! Save the third leg!

[Crowd]

Don't make us beg! Save the third leg!

Don't make us beg! Save the third leg!

Don't make us beg! Save the third leg!

Don't make us beg! Save the third leg!

- Don't make us beg! Save the third leg!

- Again!

- Don't make us beg! Save the third leg!

- [Horn Blows]

[All Cheering]

[Man On Bullhorn]

Okay, guys. That's 30. That was fantastic.

[Chattering]

Hi there. I like your boots.

Oh. Thanks.

Are you pro-leg or anti-leg?

Neither really.

Well, um, this is the pro-leg group over here.

Oh, we are supporting Baby Peggy's dad

in the fight to save the baby's third leg.

- Oh, wow.

- Um, over there-Well, those are the anti-leggers.

Well, is the, uh- is the additional leg

functioning or nonfunctioning?

Because if it has full mobility, it's both

a physical asset and a medical phenomenon.

Those are a lot of words.

[Chuckles]

- And they're kind of big. I don't understand.

- Sorry.

In addition to promoting a righteous cause...

the pro-leggers have better snacks.

Okay. I'm, um...

definitely pro-leg then.

[Chuckles]

Yea!

Come around.

You can help light the rest of the candles.

Okay. Okay.

Love those boots.

[Steve]

Angus. Footage of the dad leaving the scene.

- Nice work.

- Right?

- How'd you get that?

- Uh-

This is Hartman Hughes reporting from the edge.

[Grunts]

[Sighs]

You remember the blind date I went on?

- Yeah. The one who did the crossword.

- Yeah.

She followed me here.

- Here?

- Yeah, yeah.

I mean, I saw her at the bridge, and l- I think

she's with the protesters. She has red boots.

- Is she attractive?

- I mean, who cares?

I've been married to the same woman

for nine years. I care.

- I think she thinks that I invited her here.

- Did you?

No. I mean, well-

Kind of. I mean-

But I was just trying to be nice, you know,

to get her out of my truck.

You could have tried "Get out of my truck."

I can't be held responsible

for being a nice guy, right?

No. Of course not.

Unless she's doing a crossword all about you...

and following you

across the country like a stalker.

Stalker?

- Who has a stalker?

- Steve does. Big-time.

- No, no, no, no. What?

- Big-time.

Really? What's going on with that?

No, I was telling him about Mary. Remember Mary,

the blind date my parents set me up on?

She was on me like a mountain lion in the truck.

Great in theory, but... wouldn't stop talking.

She was like a talking encyclopedia.

So, uh, is she here, or-

No. No, no, no. I think she went up-

Red boots, with the protesters. Hot.

Red boots?

- You bang a fireman?

- No.

No, I did not bang a fireman.

Hmm.

All right.

[Grunts] I'm gonna go outside...

and get some, uh, snacks.

- You want anything?

- [Angus] Oh, man. I could use a club soda...

with shaved ice with a twist oflemon.

- Awesome. He's getting me drinks.

- You think that's where he's going?

- Yeah!

- That's not where he's going.

I don't know what he's up to.

He's always thinking about something.

- [Crowd] #Save the leg, my friend #

- This glue is making me high.

- #Save the leg #

- It's the, uh-

It's the methylbenzene in there, Winston.

- Give me that.

- #Save the leg, my friend ##

- Here.

- [Chattering]

- Hey, guys.

- Oh, hi.

- Uh, can I help?

- Oh, sure.

Mary, have you met Howard?

Howard, Mary. Mary, Howard.

- How do you do?

- Uh, I'm not quite sure what you mean.

- [Chuckles]

- Uh-

I'm just gonna sit down.

- So, what can I do?

- Can you, um- Can you do the ribbon?

- Yes.

- Okay. Here's scissors if you need them.

[Chattering]

- Mary.

- Oh, hey. That's that news guy.

Hartman Hughes.

So, this is the pro-legger camp.

- [Man] Yeah.

- Handsome group.

[Man]

That's right.

You folks are all for

keeping Baby Peggy abnormal.

- Abnormal?

- Extra legs equals extra awesomeness.

- [Whimpers]

- [Mary] Yeah.

- She'd just be like the tree frog.

- Come again?

A trematode parasite causes polymely-

that means "extra limbs"- in-in tree frogs. Yeah.

Happens all the time. It's-lt's totally normal.

- In some ponds,

there's a quarter of the tree frogs-

- Hartman Hughes!

With extra limbs,

and sometimes they found that if-

You know, over at the media tent...

we're gonna take a break in a few minutes...

and, uh, sure enough like you to join me.

Oh. [Chuckles]

I can't. Um, I have flute lessons.

[Clears Throat]

Will Steve be there?

- Who do you think sent me?

- Oh.

All right, girl. You go, girl.

Go on to that media tent with your bad self.

Go get your man, honey.

- I'll be right back.

- Holler if you need backup.

- Did Steve tell you all about

the crossword I did for him?

- Oh, yeah.

There's no words to describe

how much it meant to him.

Oh, but there are. There are always words.

- You know-

- Yes?

It's easy to see

why he fell for you the way he did.

Oh.

[Chuckles]

- So, he, uh- Oh, yeah.

- [Beeps]

He told you all about

the incredible connection and intensity...

- and je ne sais quoi?

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