All About Steve Page #8

I went on one date with her, Mom.

I went on one date with her.

B- roll?

[Scoffs]

A complete waste of my handsome gifts.

Where's a decent tragedy

when you need one, huh?

[Barker Chattering On P.A.]

Who wants to go forward?

Who wants to go backward?

Hey, kids. Who's ready for some fun?

[Children Cheering]

[No Audible Dialogue]

[Ground Rumbling]

[Gasps]

No!

You can knit this handy purse.

- But my favorite project-

- Sorry. We're gonna have to interrupt.

Breaking news from Silver Plume, Colorado.

A group of hearing-impaired children

have plummeted into an abandoned mine shaft.

- [Continues, Indistinct]

- Yeah, I just heard.

Who are we sending to cover it?

What?

...blissfully unaware of what lay ahead.

- Is there no one else?

[Man On Radio]

There's no word yet on injuries, John...

but we are getting reports

that a crane is on its way to the scene...

to try and rescue those poor deaf children...

before the ground collapses on top of them.

- Judy, John, back to you.

- Now that's a great story.

- [Crunching]

- Angus, where'd you get those?

- Hmm?

- Mary could have planted those.

- Think she poisoned our chips?

- Well, can you prove that she didn't?

Huh? Did you buy them? I didn't buy them.

Did you buy-

You don't buy anything. Did you buy them?

You know, poisoning is

the number one murder method for crazy women.

Are you kidding me?

- Nope.

- Hey!

Everything's gotta go out.

We gotta flush it. We gotta flush it, guys.

Give a hoot. Don't pollute.

- I'm sorry.

- It's not your fault.

You know, my old man was

a combat journalist in 'Nam.

Hard to fill those boots, huh?

Got killed before I ever had a chance

to say good-bye to him.

Yeah, if I ever get that anchor desk...

he's gonna be really proud of me in heaven.

Well, looks like we found

the eye of the storm, guys.

Holy sh*t. There's Mary.

[Steve]

Oh, my God! Oh, come on!

Oh, my God. It's Steve. Steve.

- Steve.

- [Tires Screeching]

- What are you doing? What?

- Getting some air.

What are you writing?

You're not telling her where we're going?

I'm making some notes! Leave me alone!

- [Tires Screeching]

- Stop it!

- No way!

Steve! Steve! Steve! Steve!

Oh, Jesus! She's got a machete!

Where the hell did she get a machete?

Oh, man! She's gonna pluck my eyes out, man!

She is gonna carve my eyes out

and she's gonna make me eat them!

I swear to God.

I've read about it on the Internet, man!

Oh, my God! She's gonna cut my feet off!

I'm not gonna be able to walk!

She's gonna make me eat my legs!

She's gonna make you eat your legs?

- Yeah, I read about it!

- Oh, really?

What, some sort of pimento leg loaf?

- Hey! You think this is funny? I've read up on this!

- [Laughing Loudly]

- I know it's not the same thing as-

- Just shut up. Just shut up.

Just shut up! Just shut the heck up!

- I swear to-

- Shut up! All right?

Jesus! Where do I begin?

Hartman, for the love of God, stop tanning.

You look like a Cheese Nip!

You look like an orange with lips!

You look like a wrinkled peach!

And you! Geraldo! Lose the wig!

You look like a retired porn star.

Who you fooling?

Oh, that's a great disguise, Einstein.

The van's the same, dumb-ass!

Mary is not a psycho. You're the psycho.

She's just a smart girl with red boots.

[Chatter On Shortwave Radio]

That's good work, Angus.

I knew you had some balls in those Underoos.

Okay. Ooh. Okay.

"Deaf kids in a mine. Silver Plume.

Please 'meat' me."

"Meat."

"Please meat"- M-E-A-T.

"Please meat me there. XO, Steve."

See? He needs me,

if only to help with his spelling.

You know what one of my favorite ingredients

of crosswording is? Perseverance.

If you quit a puzzle, you can't finish it.

Sure, every once in a while,

you run into a doozy...

that you don't think you could ever solve

in a million years...

but if you stick with it, you figure it out.

Eventually.

Worst thing you can do is leave it unfinished.

It's never the solution, is it?

- [Sighs]

- You know what my favorite part of a crossword is?

When you realize you know something

you didn't think you knew.

- ##[Man Vocalizing]

- Maybe.

To Colorado then?

- # You got all the sugar #

- [All] Yea!

# You'll ever need ##

Hey, people, back it up!

This ground can collapse at any time,

so please, please back it up!

[Man On P.A.]

Here we go, guys. Start lowering him down.

Vasquez.

Hey, what's he doing with his hands?

Son of a b*tch.

I haven't had my big moment yet,

so I gotta find something.

- [Crowd Cheering]

- They're all okay!

[Cheering Continues]

All right, on three.

Three, two, one.

Elation here in Colorado...

and yet danger lurking at every corner...

as rescuers bring the "besmudged"

little cherubs up one at a time.

[Voice Breaks]

Thank God they're all right.

Thank you, God.

[Rattling, Creaking]

- That's the last of them!

- [Crowd Cheering]

He's out.

[Man On Radio]

The last child is now rescued...

with the parents rejoicing

along with the many workers.

Wait. Wait a minute.

There's something happening.

- Oh!

- The ground seems to be collapsing.

The heavy crane is actually shaking.

Oh, this is terrible.

[People Shouting]

[Man]

Yes, it's dangerous there.

What happened?

I don't know...

I don't know...

but I smell a lawsuit.

A happy ending, and yet parents

around the country wondering...

"Is my family in danger from an abandoned mine?

Is my backyard an abandoned mine?"

[Man]

Danger's passed!

[Man #2]

Thank God they're all safe.

[Elizabeth]

Is that him?

Yeah.

[Sighs]

Well. "Truth is truth, to the end of reckoning."

Shakespeare.

And I say to these complete strangers-

- Bye.

- Bye.

...one that has left parents

across this country wondering...

"How do I keep my family safe

from abandoned mines?

"Is my bedroom-and more to the point-

Holy sh*t.

"My king-sized bed- on top of an abandoned mine?

"Is my child's school built

on top of an abandoned mine?

- Are abandoned mines always unsafe?"

- [Woman] Did you see that?

- Mary's in the hole.

- Don't be ridiculous.

- [People Shouting]

- [Man] Somebody else went in!

[Woman]

Cut! Get over there!

- [Fireman] Get back from the tape now!

- What?

[Woman]

Come on, handheld. Come on, let's go!

Did somebody fall in the mine?

[Laughs]

[People Chattering Excitedly]

Tell her help is on the way.

We're working on getting a new crane.

We just need her to confirm she's conscious.

Here. Give me that.

[Dispatcher On Radio]

All rescue personnel on scene...

apparently we have another victim

who has gone into the hole at the mine.

- [Mary Coughing]

- [Water Splashing]

[Mary Gasping]

[Grunts, Panting]

Okay, I am not afraid.

I'm not afraid, nor am I affrightened.

Okay.

Uh-

[Uneasy Laugh]

Hello!

It is me, Mary Horowitz.

Yes, I seem to have fallen into the mine.

Hello? Everyone?

It's, uh, me, Mary Horowitz. Hello?

- [Dispatcher On Radio, Indistinct]

- People, please move back.

- Back up! Back it up.

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