All About Steve Page #7

crime against one of your coworkers.

But all's been resolved. Steve.

Considering you almost cost us our job,

maybe now's not a great time.

I'm so sorry.

I could call your employer and apologize.

I can actually apologize

in 17 different languages.

- Huh.

- [Speaking Asian Languages]

So, Mary, we're going to Galveston.

There's a big storm there.

- What do you know about Galveston?

- What are you doing?

Great. Galveston.

Well, Galveston's the South's new gay mecca-

one of the country's

top 10 gay-friendliest cities.

- Huh. Gay friendly, Angus.

- Yeah. Hi, Steve.

Is she running alongside the van?

- What else you got?

- Oh.

- Biggest natural disaster in American history.

- Really?

Over 6,000 dead in Galveston alone. Yeah.

Ten- Can I have that?

- Ten nuns and 90 orphans.

- [Steve] Angus, go faster.

- Ask her why she's following me. Please.

- Why are you stalking him?

I'm not- [Panting]

I'm not stalking. No, I'm not stalking.

Stalking's an obsessive pursuit of prey.

But you're kind of

following alongside his van.

Who wouldn't?

Steven is a smart, decent, loving-

If he allows himself, right?

Loving, talented human being

with deep-seated fears.

- I'm not going anywhere, Steve.

I'm your rock. I'm your glue.

- Mary.

- Steve, hi.

- Go home. Go.

Oh.

You should come!

[Mary Narrating]

You know what word you never see in crosswords?

"Go." That or any other two-letter words.

The word "go"-not fun.

The word "vamoose"-now that's super fun.

Yes. Crosswords are a lot like life in that way.

They're only boring

if you have no sense of adventure.

We didn't get to light all the candles, Howard.

- That's okay. We can save them.

- Okay. Ooh.

Hi, Mary. Where you been?

I'm-I'm going to-

I'm going to go meet Steve at his next job.

- Oh.

- Yeah. Galveston.

- Yes, it's a storm.

- [Laughs]

Could you sign my autograph book before you go?

Yeah, if I, uh- If I had a- a car...

on my way to Galveston,

I could go through Durant, Oklahoma...

where they have the world's largest peanut.

I love peanuts, especially the giant ones.

- Yeah, well, who doesn't?

- I know. [Laughs]

Love them.

- There you go.

- I'll drive.

- Really?

- Yeah, why not?

[Laughs]

All right. Vamoose.

Vamoose indeed.

- So, uh, what kind of car do you have?

- A Gremlin.

- What year?

- '76.

- Did you replace the two-wire ignition connector?

- Yes.

The reverse doesn't work, and sometimes it stalls.

But otherwise, it's good as new.

[Elizabeth]

This storm could be nasty.

Are we sure that we wanna drive into it?

Come on. How bad could it be, right?

- [Thunderclap Effect]

- [Woman] Storm Watch!

Hurricane LaQuisha expected to make landfall

by tomorrow morning.

And what makes this situation

even more frightening-

that area ofTexas currently in the midst...

of the worst tornado season in history.

- And here's where things get interesting.

- [Clicks Remote]

- [Thunderclaps]

- Add a looming cicada migration...

and no one knows just how devastating

this storm could be.

Did you know that back in the '80s when

everyone's concern was with the aerosol cans...

it was actually the cows and their gases...

which were actually

doing the most damage to the ozone layer?

[All Laughing]

- [Man] # Turn off your radio #

- # Come on, come on #

# You're gonna feel all right #

#Let's do the panic tonight ##

[Gasps]

A little wrinkled old lady.

Yeah, that's Mother Teresa. She's my best seller.

- I'm an apple sculptor.

- Really?

I love apples.

- Yeah?

- I do.

Well, I went to school for physics,

but I got bored.

So I, uh- So now I just

make these and sell them on AppleHeadsRule. Com.

Here, let me show you another one.

- Oh! Clay Aiken!

- Yeah, it's Clay Aiken.

[Laughing]

I love him!

You know, I was sitting at home...

just thinking that I had

everything I needed right there.

And then I just thought,

maybe there's more, you know?

Maybe this is the road I'm supposed to be on.

[Inhales]

Maybe it is.

And now we go out to Hartman Hughes,

who's enjoying some fresh air.

Hartman, not getting too wet, are you?

Paula, the only thing keeping me

from falling into the bottomless depths...

of these shark-infested waters...

is this flimsy two-by-four railing.

And the Galvestonians here

are hoping that this storm...

will not surpass the storm of 1900...

when 6,000 people lost their lives-

nuns, orphans washed out to sea.

This is Hartman Hughes in Galveston...

in the middle of a mild storm...

reporting from the edge.

All right. Good work.

- Good job.

- Happy to help!

- Holy sh*t! There's Mary!

- Where?

[Bell Clanging]

- You know, you're an a**hole!

- Hmm!

[Elizabeth]

You know what? I love dressing up. I do.

But, guys, those panties are short on sparkle.

Thank the good Lord for the BeDazzler.

[Laughing]

- Guys? Hold on!

- [Brakes Squeal]

- Oh, crap!

- [Elizabeth] Oh, God!

[Tires Screeching]

- [Starter Grinding]

- [Elizabeth] Okay, reverse! Reverse!

The car won't start! Reverse doesn't work!

- Oh, my God!

- Put it in drive!

- I can't! It's stalled!

- Okay. Oh, God!

[Howard]

It will not start. What are we gonna do?

Okay, okay. Uh- Uh-

- [Mary] Crap!

- [Howard] Storm drain!

- Okay. Okay.

- Get out!

Guys, come on!

- My shoe!

- [Howard] Give me your hand!

Ow, ow, ow!

[All Muttering]

[Howard]

Come on! Keep running!

- Come on!

- We have to hurry!

[Mary Shouting]

Everybody get in!

Get in and go all the way down! Hurry!

[Elizabeth]

It's blocked!

We're gonna be okay though. We're gonna be fine.

Yea! Ponchos!

Yes. No such thing as too prepared

for adversity, my friends.

- [Loud Splat]

- Oh!

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

- Oh.

- [Gasps]

Oh. Oh! Oh!

Insecta Hemiptera

of the suborder Auchenorrhyncha!

Cicada.

This species only comes around every 17 years!

Add these very, very smart

cicadas to a tornado...

it's like a once-in-a-lifetime natural miracle!

- Do you know how lucky we are? [Squeals]

- Cool.

[Wind Roaring]

Sh*t!

[Mary Narrating]

Curse words.

Swearing, profanity, expletives-a good old cuss.

Maybe these words aren't

such a good idea in some places...

such as crosswords or kindergarten...

but when amongst friends and in a sewer...

it's perfectly acceptable

to have a mouth like one.

##[Woman Vocalizing Softly]

- [Steam Hissing]

- My car.

- Storm's over. What else is happening?

- All quiet.

Hey, Chris, any celebrities

arrested for drunk driving today?

[Chuckles]

Give me the phone.

Angus, how in the hell

do you miss a "tornadocane"?

- Please, give us another chance.

- If you keep this up, you're leaving me no choice.

- Please, sir, l-

- Get me downed street signs,

damaged boats, drowned puppies-

whatever.

And then I want you all in my office

Tuesday morning at 9:00.

- Sir, I'm sorry, sir, l-

- [Beeps]

They're through, all of them. Finished.

Find out if Vasquez is happy at NNC.

We need to go shoot some B-roll

of the storm damage.

I'm not scared of love.

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