All American Christmas Carol

[ "JINGLE BELLS" PLAYS ] [ ROCKABILLY PLAYS ] - HERE COMES CHRISTMAS,

LOTS OF TOYS COME ON NOW,

MAKE SOME NOISE CHRISTMAS TREES

AND THE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS COME ON, BABY, HOLD ME TIGHT I GOT YOU

UNDER THE MISTLETOE AND HERE COMES CHRISTMAS,

A-DON'T LET GO HERE COMES CHRISTMAS,

DON'T LET GO HERE COMES CHRISTMAS,

SANTA'S SLEIGH RUDY IN FRON TO LIGHT THE WAY I NEED MORE TIME

TO GET IT DONE I NEED MORE TIME

FOR CHRISTMAS FUN I'M ALL READY

FOR THE CHRISTMAS SNOW AND HERE COMES CHRISTMAS,

A-DON'T LET GO AND HERE COMES CHRISTMAS,

A-DON'T LET GO MAMAS AND PAPAS

AND KIDS AND DOGS TO FIND A PLACE WHERE THEY

WAIT FOR CHRISTMAS LOGS SANTA, PLEASE HURRY NOW,

DON'T BE LATE WHOA! IT'S A SPECIAL DATE HEY [ GUITAR SOLO ] HERE COMES CHRISTMAS,

TIME TO EAT THAT TURKEY AND GRAVY

GONNA BE SO SWEET LOOK AT THE PRESENTS

UNDERNEATH THE TREE I WISH EVERYONE

WAS AS LUCKY AS ME A CHRISTMAS ANGEL

WANTS US TO KNOW THAT HERE COMES CHRISTMAS,

A-DON'T LET GO HERE COMES CHRISTMAS,

DON'T LET GO YOUR MAMAS AND PAPAS

AND KIDS AND DOGS TO FIND A PLACE WHERE THEY

WAIT FOR CHRISTMAS LOGS SANTA, PLEASE HURRY NOW,

AND DON'T BE LATE WHOA! IT'S A SPECIAL DATE HERE COMES CHRISTMAS,

LOTS OF TOYS A-COME ON NOW,

AND MAKE SOME NOISE THE CHRISTMAS TREES

AND THE CHRISTMAS SIGHTS A-COME ON, BABY,

NOW A-HOLD ME TIGHT I GOT YOU

UNDER THE MISTLETOE A-HERE COMES CHRISTMAS,

A-DON'T LET GO I'M ALL READY

FOR THE CHRISTMAS SNOW A-HERE COMES CHRISTMAS,

A-DON'T LET GO THE CHRISTMAS ANGEL

WANTS US ALL TO KNOW YEAH! THAT HERE COMES CHRISTMAS A-HERE COMES CHRISTMAS YEAH! YEAH COME ON, SANTA [ BELL JINGLES ] [ COIN CLINKS ] [ BELL JINGLES ] [ BABY CRIES ] -THAT IS CINDY WEGMAN. [ SIGHS ] JUST LOOK AT HER -- THREE KIDS,

THREE DIFFERENT DADDIES... AND BARELY A PENNY TO HER NAME. SHE'S NEVER GONNA MAKE SOMETHING

OF HERSELF. SHE'S GONNA GO

RIGHT IN THE DUMPER. -MM-HMM. -LET'S FIND SOME CONTOUR TO MAKE

YOUR FACE LOOK SMALLER. [ BABY COOING ] -[ CHUCKLES SOFTLY ] DOODLE, LOOK AT THIS CRAP. CHRISTMAS -- IT'S FOR SUCKERS. [ CRASH ] WHOA. -[ SIGHS ] ARE YOU GONNA

CONTROL YOUR KID? -SKOAL, DON'T GO

BREAKING STUFF, SWEETIE! COME ON! GEEZ. [ CRASH ] -AH! CINDY WEGMAN. I SEE YOU POPPED OU ANOTHER ONE. [ CHUCKLES ] -YOU SLUMMING

AT THE DOLLAR KING AGAIN? -DOLLAR KING IS

ABOUT THE LAST PLACE YOU CAN GO TO GET YOUR HAIR DONE

SINCE YOUR MOM PASSED. YOU EVER THINK ABOUT PICKING UP

THE SCISSORS AGAIN? -NO. -I THINK YOU SHOULD

REOPEN GIRL CURL... EVEN IF IT'S JUS FOR CHRISTMAS. -WORK IS FOR SUCKERS. -AAH! HMM.

WAS THAT ONE OF YOURS? -HEY. KIDS. [ CHUCKLES ]

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO? -GUESS YOU DO HAIR BETTER

THAN YOU RAISE KIDS. -[ SIGHS ] I'M NOT TRYING TO TELL YOU HOW

TO LIVE YOUR LIFE, WAYNE. I'M JUST GIVING YOU

VALUABLE ADVICE -- FOR FREE! -I KNOW, MR. WINK. I JUST NEED A LITTLE MORE

ADVANCE ON MY PAYCHECK. BEING THAT IT'S CHRISTMAS,

THESE KIDS NEED THINGS. -THESE AREN'T EVEN YOUR KIDS! I MEAN, SHE'S GOT LIKE

THREE OR FOUR OF THEM ALL FROM DIFFERENT DADDIES. CINDY WEGMAN IS A HIT AND RUN -- YOU HIT IT...

AND THEN YOU RUN. YOU GOT A FUTURE, BOY. DON'T END UP BEING

THE DUM-DUM DADDY THAT WINDS UP PAYING

FOR HER MISTAKES. YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING? -I DO. THANK YOU, SIR. SO, CAN I HAVE THE ADVANCE? -ARE YOU JUST... WHEN I'M TALKING... NO! -[SIGHS]

-GET OUT! -[ SIGHS ] -GET OUT! -OHH. [ SMACKS GLASS ] -YOU MISSED IT, MOM. -GO TELL SOME SUCKER YOU HAVEN' EATEN SINCE TUESDAY. -EXCUSE ME, MA'AM. CAN I HAVE SOME MONEY

TO BUY SOME FOOD? IT'S CHRISTMAS. -HERE WE GO, DEAR. -YES! MY TURN. -OH. GOOD JOB. OKAY. ALL RIGHT. MOMMY'S GONNA WIN

THEM SCRATCHERS, READY? YOU KNOW WHAT? SCREW CHRISTMAS. NOBODY IS GETTING ANYTHING

THIS YEAR. -BABY, YOU SHOULDN'T USE

THAT KIND OF LANGUAGE IN FRONT OF THE KIDS. -WHAT? "SCREW'S"

NOT A BAD WORD, WAYNE. HEY, CAN YOU, UM,

PUT ALL THIS ON YOUR TAB? -CIND, I GOT TO PAY

YOUR RENT TOMORROW, AND CHRISTMAS IS RIGH AROUND THE CORNER, AND WINK'S NOT BEEN GIVING ME

THE OVERTIME HOURS THAT I NEED. -PLEASE? -OKAY. -[ CHUCKLES ] [ ROCK MUSIC PLAYS ] - ON THE 12th DAY OF CHRISTMAS,

MY TRUE LOVE SENT TO ME 12 DRUMMERS DRUMMING,

11 PIPERS PIPING 10 LORDS A-LEAPING,

9 LADIES DANCING 8 MAIDS A-MILKING,

7 SWANS A-SWIMMING 6 GEESE A-LAYING 5 GOLDEN RINGS 4 CALLING BIRDS,

3 FRENCH HORNS 2 TURTLEDOVES AND A PARTRIDGE

IN A PEAR TREE -CINDY, CAN WE TURN THE LIGHTS

ON THE TREE THIS YEAR? -NO, BABY, IT'S TOO EXPENSIVE. -THIS CHRISTMAS IS GONNA SUCK --

JUST LIKE THE REST OF THEM. -HEY! DON'T SASS ME. BESIDES,

I AIN'T NEVER READ ANYWHERE THAT CHRISTMAS

HAS TO HAVE LIGHTS. YOU KNOW, THE STARS IN THE SKY WAS ALL THEY HAD

BACK IN THE DAY. -BUT --

-BUT NOTHING. ZIP IT. -DON'T ZIP ME.

YOU AIN'T MY MAMA. RANDY'S MY DADDY. -ZIP IT, OR GO BACK

TO YOUR OWN TRAILER. -[GRUNTS] -THANK YOU, CONSTANTINE. YOU MAY BE DEAD,

BUT YOU'LL LIVE ON FOREVER, HERE ON THE

"MASTERS OF MUSIC." WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK. -DANG. [ ROCK MUSIC PLAYS ] -[ SIGHS ] -HOW FAR CAN THAT THING SHOOT? -WELL, IT, UH, DEPENDS

ON THE TRAJECTORY OF THE PIPE. DO YOU KNOW

WHAT TRAJECTORY MEANS? -NO. -[ SIGHS ] IT'S THE ANGLE

AT WHICH A FLYING OBJECT TRAVELS THROUGH THE AIR -- MOST COMMONLY USED BY,

UH, BALLISTICS EXPERTS, BUT CAN BE APPLIED

TO PAINTBALL, AND, UH...OF COURSE,

SANTA'S SLEIGH. -OH, YEAH. OF COURSE.

EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT. [ ROCK MUSIC CONTINUES ] [ ENGINE SHUTS OFF ] -HEY, LOOK AT YOU ALL GROWN UP.

[ CHUCKLES ] -HEY, RANDY. -SHOOT-DANG, RANDY. I SAW YOUR MATCH ON TV

LAST WEEK. YOU WERE AWESOME. -[ CHUCKLES ] YOU LIKE THAT? A LITTLE CHOKE HOLD

WITH THE RATTAIL -- MY SIGNATURE MOVE. SAY...ARE YOU LOSING WEIGH THERE, TWINKS? -I DON'T KNOW. MAYBE A LITTLE

RIGHT AROUND HERE. -YEAH. [ SNIFFS ] -WHAT A-- WHAT ARE YOU DOING

BACK HERE? -CAME FOR HARLEY'S

DADDY'S FUNERAL. SORRY, BOY.

YOUR DADDY WAS MY BRO. -GEEZ, I FIGURED YOU'D FORGE ABOUT ALL OF US ONCE YOU WENT SEMI-PRO. -WELL, EVEN

WHEN YOU GO BIG-TIME, YOU STILL GOT TO REMEMBER

THE LITTLE FOLK. -HEY! HEY! WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING? -JAKE MARLEY'S FUNERAL. -NO, NO. I'M NOT PAYING YOU

TO GO TO THE FUNERAL OF CINDY'S KID'S DEAD DADDY. -HARLEY NEEDS ME THERE

FOR SUPPORT. AND IT'S CHRISTMAS! -SHE'S GONNA RUN YOU

INTO THE GROUND. MARK MY WORDS. -I KNOW. I KNOW.

[ ENGINE CRANKS ] -WHAT THE HELL IS THAT? -THAT'S A TATER GUN.

[ CHUCKLES ] YOU WANT TO TRY IT? -HELL YES, I DO.

IS THERE A TATER IN IT? -NOT YET. -WELL, LET'S PUT ONE IN IT. GRAB THE PROPANE. THERE YOU GO.

[ CHUCKLES ] HOW YOU DOING DOWN THERE,

TWINKS? -IT'S GOOD. IT'S COMING ALONG.

-OKAY. GOOD. ALL RIGHT. THAT'S GOOD.

THAT'S GOOD. -I'M GETTING LIGHT-HEADED. -YOU DO IT, HARLEY. [ WHOOSH! ] [ ENGINE BUZZING ] [ BUZZING STOPS ] -NICE! -AWESOME. THERE. -HARLEY, COME ON!

WE'RE GONNA BE LATE! OH. YOU'RE HERE. -WELL, I COULDN'T MISS

JAKE'S FUNERAL. IN FACT, I THINK ME AND HIM

DID IT WITH ALL THE SAME PEOPLE,

INCLUDING YOU. [ SNIFFS ] REMEMBER THAT? -TSK. HOW COULD I FORGET?

COME ON. -DADDY! -OH! HEY! OH, MAN.

YOU MISS YOUR DADDY. LET ME GET A LOOK AT YOU. WHOA. -I KNEW YOU'D COME HOME

FOR CHRISTMAS. I KNEW YOU WOULD.

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