All American Christmas Carol Page #2

WHAT'D YOU BRING ME? -UM...YEAH. MER-- MERRY CHRISTMAS, HONEY.

[ CHUCKLES ] -OKAY.

[ CLEARS THROAT ] ENOUGH OF ALL THIS SAPPY CRAP, 'CAUSE WE HAVE A FUNERAL

TO GO TO, AND I NEED YOU TO WATCH DOODS

AND SKOAL LIKE I ASKED YOU. -BUT I WANT TO GO, TOO. -BRANDIE,

YOU DIDN'T EVEN KNOW HIM. -DADDY.

-COME ON! -GO ON BACK INSIDE,

AND I'LL BE BACK. -[ SIGHS ] -WHAT WAS DADDY LIKE? -DANG, BOY. WE'RE ON OUR WAY TO

YOUR DEAD DADDY'S FUNERAL, WE GOT RANDY IN TOWN, AND YOU'RE TRYING TO PUT MAMA

THROUGH A POP QUIZ? GIVE IT A REST, OKAY? -I'M JUST ASKING

'CAUSE I THINK IT'S RIGHT. -HE WAS A DUMMY, OKAY? ALL HE CARED ABOU WAS HIS STUPID PAINTBALL, ALWAYS OFF A A DANG TOURNAMENT SOMEWHERE, AND THEN RIGHT BEFORE

HE WAS ABOUT TO GO PRO, RIGHT BEFORE

WE COULD HAVE GOTTEN THAT PRO MONEY FOR ALIMONY, HE HAD TO GO AND DIE --

RIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS, TOO. WHAT A JERK. NO HELP

WITH THE KIDS' PRESENTS AGAIN. [ SCOFFS ] -WE'RE GETTING PRESENTS

THIS YEAR? -NO, BABY, NOT THIS YEAR. CLAW MACHINE

AIN'T BEEN TOO GOOD TO MAMA. [ ENGINE SHUTS OFF ] -YEAH? -HELLO, THERE. UH, I'M AMANDA --

SOCIAL SERVICES. IS YOUR MOMMY HOME? -NO! [ DOOR SLAMS ] [ SOLEMN MUSIC PLAYS ] -NO GUNS NO GLORY PAINTBALL

IS WHERE THE FUNERAL IS? -WELL, YOUR DADDY

HAD A ONE-TRACK MIND. -IS THAT WHY YOU NEVER MARRIED

HIM...'CAUSE OF PAINTBALL? -NO, I NEVER MARRIED HIM BECAUSE I WAS ONLY WITH HIM

ONE NIGHT, OKAY? I MEAN, MAYBE TWO,

BUT THAT'S NO REASON TO FALL IN LOVE

WITH SOMEBODY FOREVER. -WHOA!

WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU? -DANG TATER CAME FLYING OU OF THE SKY, DRILLED ME IN THE HEAD WHEN

I WAS RIDING DOWN THE HIGHWAY. -GEEZ.

-I'M OKAY. HOW YOU HOLDING UP? [ ENGINE REVS ] [ ENGINE SHUTS OFF ] -HEY, WAYNER. NICE BIKE, FOR A GIRL.

[ SNORTS ] -HEY, WHY DON'T YOU TWO BOYS,

UM, GO IN THERE? WHY DON'T YOU FIND YOUR

UNCLE BOB AND YOUR AUNT MARGE, AND WE'LL SEE YOU IN THERE?

YOU GOT HIM, WAYNE? -OKAY.

-OKAY. YEAH? SEE YOU GUYS IN THERE.

-LOVE YOU, MOM. -SEEN YOU ON TV LAST WEEK IN

THAT MATCH WITH THUNDER RAINS. LOOKING GOOD. -YOU SEEN MY SIGNATURE MOVE? -YEAH, I SAW IT. -[ SNIFFS ] -FLAG? MA'AM, FLAG

FOR OUR FALLEN BROTHER? FLAG? FLAG. -YOUR FAMILY RAISES THE BAR

FOR NEW LEVELS OF EMBARRASSMENT. -WHAT? IT...

IT'S PATRIOTIC. -BE CAREFUL WITH THAT. [ CLEARS THROAT ] -HOW YOU HOLDING UP THERE,

BUDDY? -I'M FINE. -I'M HERE FOR HIM, BOB. -DO WE HAVE TO LOOK

AT THE DEAD BODY? -NO. NO ONE IS LOOKING

AT A DEAD BODY TODAY. -[ SNEEZES ] -OKAY. DID YOU HEAR THAT? HE'S ALLERGIC

TO SOMETHING HERE. -MAYBE IT'S THE FLOWERS.

ARE THERE DAISIES? -[ SCOFFS ] WE'RE GONNA HAVE

TO GO NOW, BOB. -[ Chuckling ] I CANNOT LEAVE.

I JUST -- WHERE'S CINDY? -OH, SHE'S PROBABLY

NOT GONNA SHOW. -YOU KNOW, YOU STILL LOOK

LIKE A PIECE OF PIE JUST WAITING FOR A BIG LOAD

OF ICE CREAM TO TOP YOU OFF. SO WHAT'S UP WITH THE WAYNER?

HMM? -I DON'T KNOW. HE'S COOL,

AND HE TAKES GOOD CARE OF US. -YOU REALLY THINK YOU GOT A LIFE

WITH THIS COLLEGE BOY? -I DON'T KNOW. -IT'S LONELY ON TOP, CIND -- I MEAN, THE CIRCUIT. THE FANS,

THEY AIN'T ALWAYS KIND. -GIVE ME SOME TIME.

-DON'T! -YOUR MOUTH'S SAYING "DON'T," BUT YOUR BODY'S

SAYING "DON'T STOP." -WHY YOU TRYING

TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF ME WHEN I'M FEELING

ALL WEAK INSIDE? -YOU AIN'T WEAK. NOBODY HAS EVER TAKEN

ADVANTAGE OF YOU. IT'S ALWAYS

THE OTHER WAY AROUND. -THAT'S LIKE YOU TO SAY. -WHY DON'T YOU TAKE A HI OFF OF THAT? -[ INHALES DEEPLY ] -HI, THERE, PEEPERS. -PLEASE DON'T CALL HIM THAT. -IT'S A NICKNAME, MOM!

IT'S COOL! -YEAH, MARGE. IT'S COOL. -RATTAIL RANDY

IS A KICK-ASS NICKNAME. NICKNAMES ARE COOL. -DID YOU HEAR THAT, MOM --

KICK-ASS NICKNAME! -[SCOFFS] WOULD YOU PLEASE NOT USE LANGUAGE LIKE THA IN FRONT OF TIM? BOB! -YEAH. RANDY.

WATCH THE LANGUAGE. -[ SNEEZES ] -OKAY. WE'RE GONNA WAI IN THE CAR. COME ON. -BYE, HARLEY.

BYE, AUNT CINDY. BYE, RATTAIL RANDY. -BYE, PEEPERS. WELL...GUESS WE SHOULD

GO LOOK AT HIM. COME ON. EW. DANG.

NAILED HIM RIGHT IN THE EYEBALL. WHEW. WELL, HE WOULD'VE

WANTED IT THIS WAY. -SHOOT, YEAH, HE WOULD.

[ BEER CAN TAB SNAPS ] -HE DID ALWAYS SAY THAT FUNERALS SHOULD BE MORE LIKE

A GOING-AWAY PARTY. AND IT'S CHRISTMAS,

FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! -GO FIGURE --

HE ONLY BOUGHT A SIXER. -HE'S COLD. -NAH. THAT'S THE ICE. COOLER SPRUNG A LEAK. SIP? -I DON'T DRINK. -YOUR LOSS. -ALL RIGHT.

Y'ALL TAKE YOUR SEATS. [ BULLHORN CRACKLES ] DEARLY BELOVED, WE ARE GATHERED HERE TO BID

FAREWELL TO OUR FRIEND. JACOB ATE, BREATHED, SLEPT,

AND DIED A PAINTBALLER. SADLY, HE TOOK ONE FINAL

PAINTBALL TO THE EYE, PUSHED IT SO FAR BACK

INTO HIS BRAIN, HE HEMORRHAGED. DAMN FOOL NO WEARING HIS GOGGLES. HEY, AND LET THIS

BE A REMINDER TO YOU -- ALWAYS WEAR YOUR GOGGLES, WHICH WE PROVIDE COMPLIMENTARY

HERE AT NO GUNS NO GLORY PAINTBALL AND FUN PARK. OH, AND DON'T FORGET TO GET YOUR 10%-MERCHANDISE-OFF

COUPONS ON YOUR WAY OUT -- GOOD THROUGH

THE ENTIRE HOLIDAY SEASON. JACOB MARLEY, IN YOUR HONOR, WE ARE DEDICATING OUR NEW AFGHANISTAN FIELD OF BATTLE

TO YOU, BROTHER. NOW RAISE 'EM AND SHOOT, BOYS. [ SOLEMN MUSIC PLAYS,

GUNS POPPING ] -OKAY, HONEY.

[ SIGHS ] SO, I'M GONNA -- UH, I'M GONNA

GO FOR A RIDE WITH RANDY. I JUST NEED TO FEEL

THE WIND IN MY HAIR AND MOURN THE LOSS

OF YOUR DEAD DADDY, OKAY? -UM, OKAY, BUT... -WHAT? WAYNE, YOU TAKE CARE

OF HIM FOR ME? -SURE, CIND, BUT I CAN MOURN

WITH YOU IF YOU WANT. -YOU'RE SO SWEET! YOU'RE SO SWEET. BUT YOU DON'T REALLY KNOW HIM

LIKE RANDY AND I DID. -UM, MOM. ARE YOU GONNA MAKE IT BACK

IN TIME FOR MY PLAY TONIGHT? -YOU'RE IN A PLAY TONIGHT? -YEAH, I'M PLAYING SCROOGE'S

NEPHEW IN "A CHRISTMAS CAROL." MAMA, I TOLD YOU ABOUT IT. -OH! YES! JUST KIDDING! OF COURSE I'M GONNA BE

AT YOUR PLAY TONIGHT. -OKAY. -THAT'S A PROMISE --

I WILL BE THERE. -I LOVE YOU, MAMA. -OH, BABY, I LOVE YOU. [ MOTORCYCLE ENGINE REVVING ] OH, MAN, I AIN'T NEVER

SEEN HER SOBER ALWAYS WITH A DRINK

IN HER HAND -[ SPITS, LAUGHS ] SO, UH, YOU GET THE KIDS

ANYTHING GOOD FOR CHRISTMAS THIS YEAR? -I'M SURE WAYNE WILL. -SO YOU'RE REALLY GONNA MARRY

THE WAYNER? -WELL, YOU AIN'T STEPPING UP. BESIDES, YOU DON'T MAKE

A GOOD FATHER FIGURE. -[ SCOFFS ] AND YOU'RE THE PRIZE

PICTURE OF MOTHERHOOD. [ LAUGHS ] -WELL, IF I GET ONE MORE,

I MAKE $100. -WELL, YOU BETTER GET I IN THERE, 'CAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT I GE IF I WIN? I TAKE YOU OVER TO THAT TABLE AND JUST SPANK YOU

LIKE A BAD CHICKEN. [ CHUCKLES ] -MM. LOOKS LIKE I WIN

EITHER WAY. [ SNAPS FINGERS ] WHOO! -I WEAR THE CHAIN

I FORGED IN LIFE. I MADE IT LINK BY LINK

AND YARD BY YARD. I CANNOT REST. I CANNOT STAY.

I CANNOT LINGER ANYWHERE. -SPEAK COMFORT TO ME, JACOB. -I HAVE NONE TO GIVE.

-MOM. -I CANNOT REST. I CANNOT STAY.

-SHH. -I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM. -CAN YOU JUST HOLD IT, BUDDY? -THE DOCTOR SAID NOT TO HOLD IT. -HE HAS TO GO, HE HAS TO GO. -REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED

AT THE AQUARIUM? -SHH.

-YES, I REMEMBER. -DON'T SHUSH ME. GO. -I-I WASN'T. -THAT'S WHY

I'M THE BETTER PARENT. [ ENGINE REVS ] -REMATCH!

I'M CALLING A REMATCH! -[ SIGHS ] [ ZIPPER UNZIPS ] -[ Singsong voice ]

OH, TIMMY. -AAH!

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