All American Christmas Carol Page #3

AAH! PLEASE DON'T HURT ME! -COME ON, PEEPERS.

MAYBE YOU'LL LIKE IT. -I DON'T LIKE URINAL CAKES! -HOW DO YOU KNOW IF YOU HAVEN' EVEN TRIED IT? -NO! [ SCREAMING ] -YOU TWO, COME HERE! YOU LIKE BEING KICKED

IN THE NUTS? NO? NO? -HOW ABOUT YOU?

-NO. -I THINK YOU LIKE BEING KICKED

IN THE NUTS. HUH, TIMMY?

WANT TO GIVE HIM A NUT PIE? KICK HIM AS HARD AS YOU CAN!

GO ON! -[ GROANS ] -OOH-HOO-HOO! COME ON, PEEPERS. BYE, LADIES.

-YOU'RE DEAD, YOU LITTLE RUNT! -TIMMY. LISTEN. I DON'T THINK WE SHOULD MENTION

THIS TO YOUR MOTHER, OKAY? BUT GOOD JOB IN THERE! -I KICKED SOME BUTT, RIGHT? -UH, YOU KICKED SOME NUTS! COME ON. -HEY. -WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? HARLEY WAS LOOKING FOR YOU. -I'M HERE. WHAT?

I'M JUST A LITTLE LATE. -YOU MISSED THE WHOLE PLAY. -I DID?

-YEAH. -THE CREDITS ROLLING? -NO.

-[ SCOFFS ] -"ARE THE CREDITS ROLLING"? YOU HAVE TIME TO POP YOUR HEAD

BACK OUT OF THE BACK SEAT. SHE SMELLS LIKE

MY UNCLE'S CAMPER. -WHAT DID THAT SMELL LIKE?

-LIKE BEER. LIKE BEER AND SORROW. -COME ON. LET'S GET THE CAR. -[ SIGHS ] GOODNESS. -HEY, WEGMAN,

YOUR MOM'S FINALLY HERE. -HOW DO YOU KNOW? -'CAUSE THE SMELL OF BOOZE AND USED CONDOMS

JUST FILLED THE AIR. [ LAUGHTER ] OH, WAIT -- SHE'S NEVER EVEN

USED A CONDOM BEFORE. -HEY! THERE YOU ARE! YOU WERE GREAT! -HOW WOULD YOU KNOW? -HUH? OH. DIDN'T YOU

HEAR THE APPLAUSE? EVERYONE LOVED YOU! -YEAH, I HEARD IT. BUT I DIDN'T SEE YOU, MAMA.

YOU MISSED IT. -COME HERE.

GIVE ME A HUG. I PROMISE I'LL BE

AT THE NEXT ONE, OKAY? -I'LL SEE YA. -HEY!

YOU HAVE TO FORGIVE FAMILY. THAT'S THE RULES, HARLEY. [ SIGHS ] [ SCOFFS ]

YOU GOT A LOT OF NERVE, SHOWING UP HERE LATE

FOR YOUR BOY'S SHOW. -YEAH. WELL, HE COULDN'T HAVE SEEN ME

IF I CAME. I'M DEAD ON EARTH, REMEMBER? BESIDES...I'M ENLIGHTENED. -[ SCOFFS ] ENLIGHTENED? -WELL, THERE'S A WHOLE LOT OF

COOL STUFF ABOUT BEING A GHOST, BUT THE ENLIGHTENED PART,

WELL, THAT'S A B*TCH. I MEAN, TRUST ME,

IT'S A WHOLE LOT BETTER NOT KNOWING NUTTIN'

ABOUT NUTTIN' -- KIND OF LIKE THE WAY YOU LIVE. -YOU KNOW WHAT?

IF YOU'RE HERE TO HAUNT ME, JUST GET ON WITH IT. -WHY?

'CAUSE RANDY'S IN TOWN, AND YOU'RE SNEAKING AROUND

SO YOU CAN GET BUSY? RANDY AIN'T GONNA FIX

YOUR PROBLEMS. YOU GOT TO FIX THEM YOURSELF. AND I'M HERE TO GIVE YOU

A SECOND CHANCE. -PBHT! I DON'T NEED NO SECOND CHANCE. -THE HECK YOU DON'T.

I HEAR TALK UP HERE, CIND. IF YOU DON'T MAKE SOME CHANGES,

THEY'RE COMING FOR YOU. -DON'T YOU WORRY ABOUT ME.

I'M FINE. -YOU AIN'T FINE, CINDY.

ALL RIGHT? YOU AIN'T EVEN CLOSE. YOU GOT TO SUPPORT THEM KIDS.

YOU NEED A JOB. -WAYNE TAKES CARE OF THAT.

OKAY? I'M DONE. BYE. -ALL RIGHT. SUIT YOURSELF. YOU'VE BEEN WARNED. -SHE SAW YOU WITH LYLE.

THAT WAS GOOD. -DID AUNT CINDY TOUCH YOU

WITH HER DIRTY WELFARE HANDS? -YES. -HEY, CHAMP.

YOU WERE GREAT TONIGHT. -THANK YOU, UNCLE BOB. -MARGE? -I REALLY THINK YOU LOOK

HANDSOME IN WHAT YOU HAVE ON. I LIKE IT MORE

THAN WHAT YOU NORMALLY WEAR. IT'S CLEAN. -UM, UNCLE BOB. I WAS WONDERING IF I COULD HAVE

A RIDE HOME. -WHAT ABOUT YOUR MOM?

SHE FINALLY SHOWED. [ CAR ENGINE TURNS OVER ] HEY. YOU KNOW SHE LOVES YOU, RIGHT? EVEN THOUGH SHE HAS A STRANGE

WAY OF SHOWING IT SOMETIMES? -YEAH. I KNOW. -LET'S GET SOME HOT CHOCOLATE. -OOH! YUM-YUM. -[ SIGHS ] [ LOCKERS BANG ] [ EERIE MUSIC PLAYS ] -WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT,

FOUR-EYES? -[ Echoing ]

YOU DON'T REMEMBER ME? -OKAY, I DIDN'T MAKE THE PLAY.

SUE ME! -BUT YOU WENT TO SCHOOL HERE. -YEAH, I WENT TO SCHOOL HERE. -I WAS IN

YOUR 10th GRADE CLASS. -YOU WERE

IN MY 10th GRADE CLASS? YOU DON'T LOOK

A DAY OVER LIKE... POLLY PRISSY PANTS. -I NEVER LIKED THAT NICKNAME. -YOU'RE DEAD. YOU HAD THAT ACCIDENT... WITH A DONKEY. -[ SNORTS ] YES. THAT'S RIGHT. -ARE YOU A GHOST, TOO? -YES. AND [SIGHS]

I'M HERE TO HELP YOU. -CRAP. -IF THAT'S POSSIBLE. -NO, THANKS. -THIS IS A VERY IMPORTAN CHRISTMAS FOR YOU AND YOUR KIDS. -YOU KNOW WHAT?

CHRISTMAS-SCHMISHMAS. -COME ON. -TEARS OF JOY. -OH, I LOOK LIKE

A BIG SWEET BUN. -[ CHUCKLES ]

YOU LOOK LIKE ELIZABETH TAYLOR. -WELL, YOU LOOK LIKE

MARILYN MONROE. AND I DON'T KNOW

WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE. SO, HAVE YOU TAKEN

YOUR LITTLE ONES TO SEE SANTA? -I DON'T TRUST NO MAN WHO WANTS

TO GET DRESSED UP IN A COSTUME AND PUT LITTLE KIDS ON HIS LAP. RIGHT, CIND? -CINDY, I'LL BET SANTA

CAME TO YOUR HOUSE AND BROUGHT YOU

SOME BEAUTIFUL PRESENTS. -OUR TRAILER DON'T HAVE

A CHIMNEY. -WELL, I DON'T KNOW, CIND. MAYBE SANTA MADE

A MISTAKE, AND... I THINK HE LEFT SOMETHING

FOR YOU HERE AT THE SHOP. -THERE AIN'T NO CHIMNEY

HERE, EITHER. -GO ON. TAKE A LOOK. DIG AROUND. -THIS IS FOR ME! [ GASPS ] -OH, MY GOODNESS. -HAIRDRESSER LIKE YOU

NEEDS HER OWN KIT. -THANK YOU, MAMA! -YOU'RE WELCOME, SUGAR. MERRY CHRISTMAS, LITTLE GIRL. -YOU GOT A GOOD MAMA,

AND A WONDERFUL SANTA. -WANDA, DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA

HOW LONG IT'S GONNA BE? I BEEN WAITING HERE. -DORIS, IF I WOULD'VE KNOWN YOU WERE SO ALL-FIRE IN A HURRY

TO GET YOUR HAIR DONE, I WOULD HAVE TOLD YOU TO,

UH, LET CINDY DO IT. -OH, GOODNESS GRACIOUS.

NOW, I DON'T KNOW. -SHE CAN DO IT.

ISN'T THAT RIGHT? -YES, SHE CAN.

AND YOU SHOULD TRUST ME BECAUSE SHE'S AS GOOD

AS HER MAMA, AND SHE MIGHT EVEN BE BETTER.

NOW GET IN THE CAR. -OVER HERE. RIGHT HERE. -YOU WON'T REGRET IT. -YOU KNOW WHAT I SEE? -WHAT? A COUPLE MIDDLE-AGED WOMEN THAT THINK A GOOD HAIRCUT'S

GONNA MAKE THEIR CHRISTMAS? -I SEE A VERY HAPPY LITTLE GIRL

ON CHRISTMAS MORNING. -OH, YEAH.

JUST WHAT KIDS LOVE TO DO -- SWEEP UP SPLIT ENDS AND WASH

HAIR OUT OF THE PLUMBING. -I THINK THAT'S EXACTLY

HOW YOU LIKED SPENDING

YOUR CHRISTMAS MORNING. -NICE TRY, PRISSY PANTS.

WHAT ELSE YOU GOT? -COME ON. -WHAT KIND OF GOOD-FOR-NOTHING

WASTE OF OXYGEN CAN'T EVEN COOK A DANG TURKEY?! AAH! IT'S HOT ON MY FOOT!

[ BABBLING ] -WELL, NOW YOU HANG ON. -DAMN BROKEN FOOT! -THERE'S SOME GOOD MEA IN THERE. -I'M GONNA SET THIS BIRD FREE! THIS BIRD'S GONNA FLY! -I THINK HE JUST GAVE US

"THE BIRD." [ LAUGHS ] -THAT AIN'T FUNNY. -GET IN HE-- I DON'T CARE.

GET IN. -YOU DON'T CARE.

THAT'S RIGHT. THAT'S WHAT YOU ALWAYS SAY. "I DON'T CARE"!

"I DON'T CARE"! -GET IN THE DANG HOUSE!

-"I DON'T CARE"! -IT'S CHRISTMAS TIME! -"I DON'T CARE."

HOW MANY TIMES I HEARD THAT?! IT'S ALWAYS YOUR FAULT! -LET'S GO IN. -WELL, IT AIN'T MY FAULT! -NOTHING'S YOUR FAULT! -YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND

THESE EASY OVENS, ROSS! THEY ARE VERY COMPLICATED! -COMPLICATED? ARE YOU CALLING ME A DUMMY? -YOU'RE ACTING LIKE A DUMMY,

AND YOU ARE RUINING CHRISTMAS. -NO! I AIN'T NO DUMMY. -OH, YOU ARE A DUMMY. YOU ARE A

D-U-M-M-APOSTROPHE-Y -- DUMMY. DUMMY, DUMMY, DUMMY! -I AM NOT A DUMMY,

AND I WILL RUIN CHRISTMAS! I WILL RUIN CHRISTMAS! -OH, ROSS! FOR GOD'S SAKE! PUT THE TREE DOWN.

PUT THE DANG TREE DOWN. YOU ARE RUINING IT. YOU ARE RUINING EVERYTHING,

AND YOU'RE SCARING THE KIDS. [ CRASHING ]

OH. -[ BREATHING HEAVILY ] -WELL... YOU WANT TO OPEN

SOME PRESENTS, KIDS? ROSS, DID YOU GET THE PRESENTS? -I DIDN'T BUY NOBODY

NO PRESENTS. I SPENT OUR MONEY

ON A SWEET CHEVELLE FOR ME. AND I'M GONNA GET MY BEHIND THE HECK OUT OF LOSERVILLE! WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT? -YOU RUINED THE TREE. -YOU WAN A DANG CHRISTMAS TREE? YOU GOT A DANG CHRISTMAS TREE. [ SPRAY PAINT CAN RATTLES ] -OH, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD. -HOW YOU LIKING IT SO FAR?! I THINK IT'S PRETTY DANG

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