All American Christmas Carol Page #4

GOOD MYSELF! THERE. YOU GOT A TREE

THAT AIN'T GOING NOWHERE, JUST LIKE THE RES OF THESE LOSERS IN THIS DANG TRAILER PARK. ME? [ CHUCKLES ] I'M FREE AS A BIRD. AND I'M GONNA FLY,

BROKEN FOOT AND ALL! BOBBY. I WANT YOU TO TAKE OF

YOUR SISTER AND YOUR MAMA. BECAUSE YOU'RE THE MAN

OF THE HOUSE NOW. I'M FLYING! [ CAR DOOR CLOSES,

ENGINE TURNS OVER ] -AHH. [ TIRES SQUEAL ] GO ON. -YOU OKAY? -OH, SORRY -- IS THIS THE PART WHERE I'M SUPPOSED TO CRY

AND FEEL ALL EMPTY INSIDE? -OH, I-I'M NOT HERE

TO TELL YOU HOW TO FEEL

OR WHAT TO DO, CINDY. -MM. YOU COULD'VE FOOLED ME. - NOEL, NOEL NOEL, NOEL -JUST YOU AND ME FOR CHRISTMAS

TODAY, HARLEY. -WHAT A CUTE BABY HARLEY WAS. -GRANDMA'S NAPPING,

AND YOUR MOM WILL BE HOME SOON. [ BABY CRYING ] -WAIT -- I DON'T REMEMBER

THIS CHRISTMAS. WHERE WAS I? -I THOUGHT YOU'D NEVER ASK. -DO IT, TWINKIE! COME ON!

DO IT AGAIN! COME ON, TWINKIE! DO IT!

DO IT! [ ALL CHEERING ] YEAH, TWINKIE! YEAH! -I'M STARTING TO FEEL

A LITTLE LOOSE. -COME ON, TWINKIE! COME ON! DO IT! COME ON! DO IT, TWINKIE! DO IT! [ CROWD CHEERS ] -ALL RIGHT. FINALLY YOU TAKE ME

SOMEWHERE GOOD. - JOYFUL, ALL YE NATIONS RISE JOIN THE TRIUMPH

OF THE SKIES -HERE. DRINK. -NO, THANK YOU.

I DON'T DRINK. -YOU DON'T DRINK?! EVERYBODY DRINKS. LOOK. HOW DO YOU THINK, YOU KNOW,

PEOPLE ARE GONNA... GET TOGETHER? -[ SCOFFS ] -OH, GOD. DON'T TELL ME YOU HAVEN' DONE THAT, EITHER. -LET'S JUST DROP IT. -NO. UNH-UNH.

HOW ARE OLD ARE YOU -- LIKE 16? -17? OKAY, YOU NEED TO LOOSEN UP. I HAD MY FIRST BABY AT 15.

DRINK NOW. -BUT THERE ARE RULES. -RULES-SCHMOOLS.

IT'S A FLIPPING PARTY. LOOK. - VEILED IN FLESH,

THE GODHEAD SEE -[ HICCUPS ] -[ SNORTS ] -THAT WASN'T SO BAD!

[ GIGGLES ] I KIND OF LIKED IT. -WELL, BREAKING THE RULES IS ALWAYS BETTER THAN NO BREAKING THE RULES. -MMM. - HARK THE HERALD ANGELS SING -HEY! WHAT? COME HERE. -OH! YEAH! YEAH! OH! -YOU KNOW, I DON'T REMEMBER

JAKE BEING SO ROMANTIC, 'CAUSE I LOVE TO BE ROMANCED. -ARE YOU LOVING MY LOVING? MM. -BUT WAIT.

BUT DO YOU HAVE A CONDOM? -THAT AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN TWICE. -[ SCOFFS ] RANDY.

I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN. -WHAT ABOUT JAKE --

THE FATHER OF YOUR SON, THE GUY WHOSE ROOM YOU'RE IN? -DANG. JAKE AIN'T NOTHING

BUT A PAINTBALLER -- NO FUTURE AND CURRENTLY DEAD,

BY THE WAY. KIND OF SAD, THOUGH.

HE DIDN'T SHOOT BLANKS. -[ GASPS ] YOU'RE USELESS! -GEEZ, I WAS JUST HAVING FUN. I'M GONNA GET A REFILL. [ DOOR CREAKS ] -YOU GUYS SEEN RANDY? [ TOILET FLUSHING ] EXCUSE ME. OH, MY GOD! OHH! WHAT IS THAT? -IT'S PIZZA WITH A HIN OF HARD-BOILED EGG. -THAT'S DISGUSTING. -I DON'T KNOW

WHETHER TO BE GROSSED OUT OR HUNGRY AGAIN. -OKAY, YOU HAVE

SERIOUS PROBLEMS. LOOK, HAVE YOU SEEN RANDY? ME AND HIM ARE SUPPOSED

TO HOOK UP. -NO. -HAVE YOU SEEN RANDY? -EXCUSE ME. Y-YOU CAN SEE ME? -WELL, YES. IF YOU'RE STANDING RIGHT THERE,

I CAN SEE YOU. -WHAT? NO. NO.

HOW DID THAT HAPPEN? -HAVE YOU SEEN HIM OR NOT? -I, UM -- NO, I HAVEN'T. -HAVE ANOTHER DRINK,

WHY DON'T YOU? -I THINK I WILL. [ KNOCK ON DOOR ] -RANDY? -PAM. -RANDY? RANDY? [ ROCK MUSIC PLAYS ] -COME WITH ME AND PARTY! - ON THE 12th DAY OF CHRISTMAS,

MY TRUE LOVE SENT TO ME 12 DRUMMERS DRUMMING,

11 PIPERS PIPING 10 LORDS A-LEAPING,

9 LADIES DANCING 8 MAIDS A-MILKING,

7 SWANS A-SWIMMING 6 GEESE A-LAYING,

5 GOLDEN RINGS 4 CALLING BIRDS,

3 FRENCH HENS 2 TURTLEDOVES AND A PARTRIDGE

IN A PEAR TREE -MM. -I THOUGHT YOU WERE MY FRIEND. -OH, HEY, PAMMY. UH, WE WAS JUS LOOKING FOR YOU. -YEAH, LOOKS LIKE IT. -PAM, WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

-THANKS A LOT, CIND. I MEAN, HAVING JAKE AND A BABY

ISN'T ENOUGH? YOU JUST GOT TO HAVE IT ALL,

DON'T YOU? YOU KNOW SOMETHING?

YOU JUST -- YOU SUCK AS A FRIEND A-AND AS A MOTHER AND -- AND -- AND -- WELL, YOU JUST --

YOU PLAIN SUCK! AH! -THAT WAS KIND OF HARSH. -EW. -[ COUGHS, GAGS ] -OH, WOW. YOU HAD EGGS, TOO. -GET AWAY FROM ME.

I WANT TO BE ALONE. -OKAY. -I'M GONNA BE

IN SO MUCH TROUBLE. I SUCK AT BEING A GHOST! [ CRYING ] -HEY, CAN WE GET OUT OF HERE?

THIS PARTY BLOWS. -YOU, CINDY WEGMAN, ARE A BAD, BAD PERSON. -WHAT?

I DIDN'T DO NOTHING. -I WAS SUPPOSED TO TEACH YOU

SOMETHING ABOUT YOURSELF, AND I FAILED! -[ SCOFFS ]

HEY, EVERYBODY FAILS, OKAY? THAT'S LIFE. -YOU DIDN'T LEARN POOP

FROM ME! YOU'RE HOPELESS! OHH. OH, GOD.

I NEED A BATHROOM. -I DIDN'T DO NOTHING.

EVERYBODY FAILS. -MOM, COME ON. WAKE UP, MOM. -WHAT? -MOM, THERE'S SOMEONE HERE --

-HARLEY? LOOK AT YOU ALL GROWN UP. -MOM? -HI. WHOA. [ CLEARS THROAT ] WHOA.

I NEED TO SLOW MY ROLL. I WAS JUST DREAMING UP

A STORM LAST NIGHT. -THERE'S SOMEONE HERE

FROM SOCIAL SERVICES. YOU GOT TO TALK TO HER AND MAKE

HER THINK YOU'RE A FIT MOTHER. -A FIT MOTHER? YOU DON'T THINK

I'M A FIT MOTHER? -WELL...

-COME HERE. I KNOW I MIGHT NOT ALWAYS

ACT RIGHT, BUT YOU KNOW

I'M ALWAYS GONNA BE THERE FOR YOU NO MATTER WHAT, RIGHT? -RIGHT. JUST...HERE. LOOK.

[ SIGHS ] HERE. PUT THIS ON. -GEEZ. [ SIGHS ] -COME ON. -HELLO? HELLO?

WHO'S THERE? [ GUN POPS, THUD, BABY COOS ] -DECORATING. -[ SNIFFS ] [ GUN C*CKS ] -NICE SHOT, LITTLE MAN! -[ LAUGHS ] -SO SORRY ABOUT THE MESS, BUT WE WERE NO EXPECTING COMPANY. -AMANDA JONES, DEPARTMENT OF CHILDREN

AND FAMILY SERVICES. QUITE A PLACE YOU HAVE HERE. DO YOU MIND IF I LOOK AROUND? -OH, ABSOLUTELY NOT. PLEASE, MRS. JONES,

HAVE A LOOK-SEE. [ DOGS BARKING IN DISTANCE ] -YEP.

THAT RIGHT THERE IS PURE GOLD. THAT'S A REAL LOCK

OF CONSTANTINE'S HAIR -- THE LEAD SINGER. GOD REST HIS SOUL. YEAH, I PROBABLY WOULD'VE SOLD

YOU ONE NIGHT, HARLEY, JUST TO BE WITH HIM, HMM? Why is she jotting that down? -[ SIGHS ] -WHERE ARE YOU GOING? -TO TALK WITH TIM IN TOWN. -WHAT? NOW? -YEAH, I PROMISED UNCLE BOB. -I'LL DRIVE YOU. -MOM, I TOLD UNCLE BOB --

-I DON'T CARE. Please don't leave me alone

here with her. -THESE BULLIES

ARE HASSLING TIM AGAIN, AND JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE

HAD HIM KICK THEM IN THE NUTS. -WELL, THAT'S NOT MY FAULT! IT'S HIS DINGDONG HAIRCU AND HIS SILLY EYEGLASSES THAT MAKE HIM GET IN TROUBLE! -MOM!

-OH, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. COME ON. I'M YOUR MOTHER,

AND YOU'RE STAYING RIGHT HERE. DAMN KIDS!

-DANG KIDS. -DA-- DANG KIDS.

[ CHUCKLES ] YEAH, THEY'RE ALWAYS LISTENING TO THEIR FRIENDS

AND NOT THEIR PARENT. -IT, UM, APPEARS

THE ONLY ITEMS YOU HAVE IN YOUR REFRIGERATOR ARE TWO CANS OF CHEESE-PLEASE

AND A LITER OF POP? -YEAH, IT'S --

IT'S GROCERY DAY. -IT'S GROCERY DAY!

IT'S GROCERY DAY. LOOK, I KNOW THESE KIDS. THEY -- THEY EA A FULL BALANCED DIET 'CAUSE THEY'RE STILL GROWING

AND CRAP, SO... -OH.

SO YOU DO HAVE A JOB? -NO!

WORKING'S FOR SUCKERS! -[ CHUCKLES ]

-SKOAL! -I'M, ACTUALLY -- UM, I'M, LIKE, IN THIS TRANSITIONAL

PHASE RIGHT NOW. -I'VE SEEN ENOUGH. [ DOOR CREAKS ] UH, WHO IS SHE? I-I DON'T HAVE HER ON MY LIST. -OH.

UM, SHE AIN'T REALLY MINE. SEE, HER DADDY IS MY FRIEND

WITH BENEFITS. SO SHE JUST COMES AROUND

HERE SOMETIMES. -RIGHT. HMM.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes