All American Christmas Carol Page #5

WELL, IT'S BEEN A PLEASURE. -OH. THANK YOU.

SO, WE COOL HERE? -BASED ON MY EVALUATION, YOU DON'T MEE THE MINIMUM REQUIREMENTS FOR THE DEPARTMEN OF CHILD CARE. -WHAT?

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? -WE'LL BE IN TOUCH. -LET ME SEE THAT. -THAT IS CONFIDENTIAL! -YOU STILL GOT TO TAKE ME

TO TOWN. -NO, I CAN'T GO DRESSED

LIKE THIS. GET IN THERE. [ CAR ENGINE TURNS OVER ] -CINDY,

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? -DON'T YOU "CINDY" ME, YOU

BACK-STABBING SON OF A B*TCH! -LANGUAGE! -OR WAS IT YOU, MARGE? -WHAT IS THIS ALL ABOUT? -WHAT'S THIS ALL ABOUT?! YOUR LARD OF A WIFE CALLED

THE GOVERNMENT PEOPLE ON ME TO TAKE MY KIDS AWAY! -I AM BIG-BONED,

AND THAT IS THE WAY GOD MADE ME. -MARJORIE?

-I WAS DOING MY CIVIC DUTY. -THE KIDS COULD USE A LITTLE

MORE STABILITY, CIND. -OH.

WHAT KIND OF A PERSON DOESN'T WANT THEIR OWN MOTHER

TO BE WITH THEIR KIDS?! -CINDY, YOU DON'T DESERVE

THOSE KIDS. YOU NEED TO TAKE A GOOD LONG

LOOK AT YOURSELF. YOU RELY ON EVERYBODY

TO DO THINGS FOR YOU. YOU KNOW,

YOUR KIDS DON'T EVEN EXPECT CHRISTMAS PRESENTS THIS YEAR

FROM YOU BECAUSE THEY KNOW THAT,

IF YOU HAD ONE CENT, YOU'D SPEND IT ON YOURSELF, OR YOU'D PUT IT IN SOME STUPID

SCHEME THAT DOESN'T PAY OFF. AND ON TOP OF THAT,

MY LITTLE TIMMY HAS A BLACK EYE FOR THE CHRISTMAS PORTRAI THIS YEAR BECAUSE HARLEY WAS TOO BUSY

SAVING YOUR BUTT, INSTEAD OF WALKING HIM HOME

FROM TOWN. AND I'M SORRY I SAID "BUTT." OKAY? DON'T SAY THAT.

MOMMY IS MAD. -BOB!

ARE YOU GONNA SAY ANYTHING?! -SHE DOES HAVE A POINT, CIND. -[ SCOFFS ] FINE. FINE. [ SIGHS ] YOU KNOW WHAT? I DON'T NEED

ANY OF YOU GUYS, OKAY? AND, PEEPERS, I'M REALLY SORRY

ABOUT YOUR EYE. -IS AUNT CINDY MAD AT ME? [ DOOR SLAMS ]

-IT'S OKAY, HONEY. JUST -- JUST EAT. LET'S JUST WASH THE DAY OFF

OF US, OKAY? NONE OF THIS HAPPENED. [ SIREN WAILING ] -[ SIGHS ] HEY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? -OH, UH...NOTHING. I'M JUST -- UM, JUST,

UH, CUTTING SCHOOL. -OH! WELL, YOU SEEN WAYNE? -NO. WHY -- WHY WOULD I

HAVE SEEN WAYNE? -'CAUSE HE WORKS HERE. -WELL, UM...YEAH. NO, I...I HAVEN'T SEEN HIM. -OKAY. COOL. THERE YOU ARE,

MY LITTLE WORKER BEE. -HEY, BABY. -HI. HOPE YOU DON'T MIND, BUT I CHARGED A FEW THINGS

ON YOUR ACCOUNT. -[ SIGHS ] HEY, WINK.

CAN I HAVE A SEC? -YEAH. -HI, WINK. -HEY. [ CHUCKLES ] Hit...and run. -I DON'T KNOW, CIND. WE GOT TO WATCH THE SPENDING. AND THESE SCRATCHERS? -WELL, WHAT IF WE WON, THOUGH? -AND DONKEY SOAP? -NO, IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE

REALLY GOOD FOR YOUR FACE. CLEOPATRA USED IT. WAYNE, YOU HAVE YOUR WHOLE

COLLEGE FUND TO FALL BACK ON. [ CHUCKLES ] COME ON. -MY MAMA AND DADDY

SAVED UP THAT MONEY SO I COULD HAVE A LIFE OUTSIDE

OF THE TRAILER PARK. -WELL, WHAT'S WRONG

WITH THE TRAILER PARK? -NOTHING. -DO YOU LOVE ME,

OR DON'T YOU? -OF COURSE I DO.

THAT'S WHY I'M STILL HERE. -WELL, IF YOU'RE STILL HERE, THEN LET'S MAKE THE MOS OF IT, RIGHT? CAN YOU DO ME A FAVOR

BEFORE YOU GET OFF? -WHAT? -[ SIGHS ] APPARENTLY, THE KIDS SHOULD EA MORE THAN JUST CHEEZ WHIZ. CAN YOU PICK UP SOME FOOD? THANK YOU. YOU'RE THE BEST. -[ SIGHS ] [ DROPS CLIPBOARD ] -[ GASPS ] [ Chuckling ] OH, MY... OH, MY ROCK GOODNESS! [ HEROIC ROCK MUSIC PLAYS ] -[ Echoing ] I AM YOUR GHOS OF CHRISTMAS PRESENT. -HI! [ GIGGLES ] -IT'S OKAY. YOU CAN TOUCH. -[ GASPS ] I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DIED A THE END OF YOUR CHRISTMAS VIDEO. THAT MUST HAVE REALLY SUCKED. -NO WORRIES. EVEN THE LADIES UP THERE

LOVE THE ROCK GODS. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? -YEAH. [ GIGGLES ] -YOU'LL SEE

WHEN YOU GET UP THERE... WHICH IS GONNA BE PRETTY SOON. -OH. YEAH, YEAH. I HEARD. WELL, YEAH,

I AIN'T LIVING SO GOOD, BUT WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO? -I'LL SHOW YOU. -OKAY. -LET'S GET THIS PARTY STARTED. [ CHRISTMAS CAROL PLAYING ] -WE'VE ALREADY DONE THIS ONE. -THINGS AREN'T ALWAYS

WHAT THEY APPEAR. -WHAT A DOUBLE-CROSSER!

PAM AND RANDY?! HE'S SUPPOSED TO BE BACK

IN TOWN TO SEE ME. -LET'S JUST SEE

HOW THIS PLAYS OUT. -UGH. -YOU WANT ME TO GIVE YOU A TOUR? -I WANT A TOUR OF THE INSIDE. -OH.

HE DON'T NEED A DAMN TOUR. HE'S BEEN HERE A MILLION TIMES. -I'M NOT A PSYCHIC

OR ANYTHING, BUT... I DON'T THINK

SHE'S GONNA GIVE HIM A TOUR -- NOT OF THE HOUSE, ANYWAY. -OKAY, I NEED A DRINK. -CHRISTMAS TIME --

EVERYBODY NEEDS A DRINK. I'LL TAKE A COOL ONE. -HERE YOU GO. -SALUD. -I'M PISSED. -SALUD. [ CROWD CHEERING ] - ON THE 12th DAY OF CHRISTMAS,

MY TRUE LOVE SENT TO ME 12 DRUMMERS DRUMMING,

11 PIPERS PIPING 10 LORDS A-LEAPING,

9 LADIES DANCING -BRANDIE! - 7 SWANS A-SWIMMING,

6 GEESE A-LAYING 5 GOLDEN RINGS -THEY GROW UP SO FAS THESE DAYS, DON'T THEY? -WHAT IS SHE DOING HERE? -I WONDER WHERE SHE GETS IT. - AND A PARTRIDGE

IN A PEAR TREE [ CHEERING CONTINUES ] [ BOTH GIGGLING ] -[ CLICKS TONGUE ] [ LAUGHS ] -HEY, I STILL GOT IT. -[ CHUCKLES ] -WE STILL GOT IT. -YOU KNOW, I CANNOT BELIEVE THAT DIRTY HO

IS SLEEPING WITH MY MAN. -[ CHUCKLES ]

I THOUGHT WAYNE WAS YOUR MAN. -THAT'S NOT THE POINT, OKAY? DANG GHOSTS

ARE SCREWING UP MY LIFE. [ SCOFFS ]

WHAT'S THE WORLD COMING TO? THIS IS MY MAMA'S PLACE. [ URINATING ] HEY! LOSER! GO DRAIN IT SOMEWHERE ELSE! -SO YOU DO CARE A LITTLE BIT --

A VERY LITTLE BIT. -WHAT? NO! I DIDN'T ASK MY MAMA

TO LEAVE ME THIS PLACE. -SO WHY DIDN'T YOU SELL IT? -'CAUSE.

-'CAUSE WHY? -'CAUSE I JUST DIDN'T, OKAY? KIND OF MAKES ME THINK

ABOUT MY MAMA SOMETIMES. -WHAT'D YOU SAY?

I COULDN'T HEAR YOU. -I SAID IT KIND OF MAKES ME

THINK ABOUT MY MAMA SOMETIMES -- BIG, FAT, HAIRY DEAL. -LET'S GO. -OH, COME ON. LIKE I DON'T SEE THIS [CHUCKLES]

GUY ENOUGH EVERY DAY. -ALL RIGHT. I GOT YOU. YOU'RE LOOKING FOR SOMETHING

ADVENTUROUS AND SEXY, RIGHT? I GOT YOU THIS SPORTY MODEL --

VERY POPULAR, TOP-OF-THE-LINE. -IT IS A BEAUTIFUL MACHINE. -OH, YEAH. -BUT I'M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING

A LITTLE MORE FAMILY-ORIENTED. -OH! GOT YOU! LITTLE LADY PREGO, HUH? HUH? -UH, NO. NO.

-[ CHUCKLES ] -BUT I HAVE PLENTY OF CASH

FOR A DOWN PAYMENT, SO... -OHH! WHAT AN IDIOT! WHO TELLS A CAR SALESMAN THEY

HAVE A POCKET FULL OF CASH? -BUT DID YOU NOTICE HE WAS LOOKING FOR SOMETHING

"FAMILY-ORIENTED"? [ INDISTINCT HAGGLING ] DOES IT MATTER THAT YOU'RE NO IN LOVE WITH HIM? -YOU SAID IT -- CASH, TAX. -OKAY, NEXT. -IS THAT ALL YOU GOT TO SAY? -SHE IS A GROWN WOMAN.

SHE'S NOT A CHILD. TIMMY, ON THE OTHER HAND,

IS YOUR CHILD. -BUT SHE IS MY SISTER. -I KNOW YOU DON'T UNDERS-- -OH! I DON'T WHAT?

I DON'T UNDERSTAND? I HAVE SIBLINGS, TOO,

BUT THEY'RE ADULTS, AND THEY CAN TAKE CARE

OF THEMSELVES. -WELL, MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT. -SHE HAS TO FAIL.

SHE HAS TO LEARN TO FAIL. -I CAN'T BELIEVE

SHE'S GETTING TO HIM. -BUT CHRISTMAS WILL NOT BE

THE SAME WITHOUT THEM! -NO, IT WON'T. NO, IT WON'T. WE WON'T HAVE TO WATCH

A PICNIC FULL OF PEOPLE EATING ROAST BEEF AND GRAVY

WITH THEIR FINGERS AND THEN TAKING THE BOTTOM

OF THEIR SHIRTS AND WIPING THEIR MOUTHS. AND THEN TO TOP IT ALL OFF, THE BURPING AND THE FARTING

THAT HAPPENS -- IT MAKES THE DOG WALK AWAY,

IT'S SO DISGUSTING! -OKAY, OKAY. LAST YEAR WAS PRETTY BAD --

I ADMIT IT. -YES, IT WAS PRETTY BAD. IT WAS

A WHITE TRASH CHRISTMAS. I HATE SAYING THAT, BUT IT WAS

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