All Relative

The French, they have it

all figured out, right?

I read this article online,

actually an in-Depth blog,

And it was saying how

they consistently have better,

More-Fulfilling relationships

than Americans

Because they aren't so...

so goal-Oriented

When it comes to love.

They don't judge a relationship

based on the final outcome.

They value the actual journey.

Look, dude. You can't keep beating

yourself up over what happened.

I broke up with her, Jared.

It's been over a year.

I give you permission to knock

the dust off your Schvantz.

And now you speak Yiddish?

Motherf***er,

I was bar Mitzvahed.

Sh*t, man.

At least you got that ring back.

That's pretty key.

You didn't get the ring back.

I don't want to talk about it.

- Yeah.

- You're a disgrace.

Yeah,

I'm just getting warmed up.

Dude, come here.

Come here, come here.

Check it out. Right there.

She's checking you out.

She's checking you out.

Hey, go over there

and ask them to bowl with us.

I'm... dude, no.

Dude, would you...

s-She's checking you out again

a second time.

She checked you out again!

She's scanning the room.

Just let it go.

Dude,

she is not scanning the room.

Dude, if you don't

go over there, I will.

Do it right now.

I'm not - Dude, stop it.

Let it go.

No. Here she - Here she comes.

- Are you serious?

- She's right...

- hey.

- Hey.

Um, I was just wondering if

you had an extra 12-Pounder.

Um, well,

I-I just have this one,

But we can share it if you want.

Or you know what? Just take it.

Oh. No, don't worry about it.

You're kind of on a roll here,

so...

thank you.

I'll look for another one.

It's fine.

- Are you sure?

- Yeah.

- Sorry.

- Thank you.

- No, it's okay.

- Yeah, sorry.

Hey, you guys

Should totally join us

for a game of bowling.

We're just by ourselves here

in this big lane.

Oh, yeah, sure. That'd be fun.

- Awesome.

- All right.

Okay, yeah, cool.

Are you gonna

buy us a drink if we win?

You know,

we'll buy you a drink anyway,

Because chivalry is still alive,

believe it or not.

- Oh. All right.

- Yeah. I like that.

- Oh!

- Yeah!

Okay, okay!

We can work with that.

We can work with that.

All right, take a deep breath.

Aah!

- Oh!

- Oh!

Oh!

Um, well, this is me.

Nice.

Thank you so much

for walking me.

Yeah, no problem.

I had fun... tonight.

Yeah.

We should definitely

hang out again.

Um, yeah.

I mean... ugh.

I should have told you

this earlier, but, um...

I'm seeing someone.

Well, we've only been

on two dates,

But, um,

I did promise him a third.

I-I think we should

go on a date.

What's the worst

that could happen?

Come on.

Just give me your phone.

Sure. Think about it.

Okay.

Okay.

- Well, bye.

- Bye.

Mm.

- Good night.

- Good night.

Dinner.

- As friends.

- Yeah.

Bye.

You know, what's funny is

a month ago,

This would have been

a different story.

She promised

this guy a third date.

Ugh. I'm unlucky.

It's like

every girl in this town,

They're playing a game,

you know?

And the hotter the chick...

pbht!

The crazier the game.

I'm good, man.

This one's on her.

Thanks.

I, um... I usually

don't drink alone.

So don't.

I'm harry.

- I'm Maren.

- Hi, Maren.

So... Maren.

Do you stay at this hotel?

Yeah. I'm here for the weekend.

Doing some open houses.

I live in Westchester.

Wow. That's pretty fancy.

Yeah.

But I get to see my kids

when I'm in town.

Your kids?

You don't have kids.

You have three kids.

She has three kids.

Wow.

One's in college

here in the city.

Were you pregnant

in middle school?

Oh. Cute.

I bet you say that

to all the moms.

You divorced?

Hey, you know what?

It's his loss.

So, harry... why are

you drinking alone?

What?

Mm.

Okay.

I have a confession to make.

- Really? What?

- Yeah.

It's been a year

since I've had sex.

Whoa. You married?

What?

No, no. No.

Um...

my fiance cheated on me.

Awhile back.

Okay.

We'll go slow.

Mm?

Want to hand me that glass?

I have a confession to make,

too.

What's that?

I'm nervous, too.

You're nervous, too?

That's good.

That's good. Nervous is good.

You want to try something fun?

Okay.

It's like in high school.

Remember?

I did not do that

in high school.

You didn't?

Well, we went to different

schools, probably.

Yeah.

I went on a date tonight.

My first in a really,

really long time.

And, um...

it was with this guy

I hadn't seen since college.

You know how things get built up

over e-Mail and text?

And... and we met. It was weird.

Why was it weird?

Well, let's start with... size.

Was he, like... 50

pounds heavier than...

oh, I was thinking something

completely different.

That's when

I should have left, right?

But I stayed,

And he started

sucking my fingers at dinner.

Who does that?

Hey.

I want you to know

That not every guy out there

is gonna be like him.

You know, we're not all flabby,

dishonest...

finger sucking

at the dinner table weirdos.

Let's not put

any pressure on tonight.

Whatever it is is what it is.

I'm so confused.

I set it all up for you.

I just can't believe

you didn't nail her.

I walked her home.

I actually liked her.

It's always about

nailing somebody.

Why do you always

have to nail somebody?

Okay.

Then you went out Han solo,

Nailed a new chick

after getting rejected.

It's different,

and I wasn't rejected.

We... you know,

we... we parted amicably.

- You at least make out?

- No.

But... we're supposed

to go out to dinner.

Mm-Hmm. Yeah.

And that relationship's dead.

You think so?

Why do you think it's dead?

Have you ever

successfully dated a girl

Where you didn't get

some small kiss

Or some inkling of progression

by the night's end?

I got her number.

Meaningless without a make out.

But you know what?

Tell me about the second one.

I don't know.

The sec... the second one

was a one-Night thing.

It was... it was nothing.

- Was she hot?

- Yeah.

- Older.

- Oh?

- Yeah.

- Older. Okay.

Now you can reapproach

the first girl

With that confidence

you were lacking.

I'm confused.

I thought you just said

the first one was dead.

You can text her

something naughty.

Like, what is she, uh...

you know, what kind of panties

does she wear?

Like, oh, is she loud...

she's seeing someone else, okay?

Scratch her off the list.

Text the milf something dirty.

She's totally your strong hand.

I'm not texting anybody.

You have a golden opportunity

To have a little fun with

zero chance of getting hurt.

- Shh. Shh, shh. Hello?

- Zero chance.

Oh, hey.

All right, yeah. Bye.

- Who was that?

- It was the second one.

She wanted to hang out later,

so we might, you know...

Jared, stop that.

Don't look at me like that.

I'm just maybe

grabbing a coffee with her.

Look at me. That's it.

God.

Oh, god.

Your secret's gonna come out.

What secret?

When all the other girls

find out how good you are,

I'm gonna have to beat them

off you with a stick.

I'm just messing with you.

I wouldn't want this to be

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