All That Jazz

OK, one more time. From the top.

Six beats, all right?

One, two, three, four. One, two...

To be on the wire is life.

The rest... is waiting.

- Tha's very theatrical, Joe.

- Yeah, l know.

- Did you make it up?

- l wish l had.

- Do you like it?

- Well, i's all right.

l's showtime, folks!

They say the neon lights

are bright on Broadway

They say there's always magic in the air

But when you're walkin' down that street

And you ain't had enough to eat

The glitter rubs right off

and you're nowhere

They say the women

treat you fine on Broadway

But lookin'at them just gives me the blues

Cos how you gonna make some time

When all you got is one thin dime?

And one thin dime

won't even shine your shoes

They say that l won't

last too long on Broadway

l'll catch a Greyhound bus for home,

they all say

But they're dead wrong, l know they are

Cos l can play this here guitar

And l won't quit till l'm a star

On Broadway

They say that l won't last too long

on Broadway...

Autumn?

- ls that your real name?

- Yes, sir.

- You sure you don't wanna change that?

- Well, if you give me the job l'll change it.

But they're dead wrong, l know they are

Cos l can play this here guitar

And l won't quit till l'm a star...

Victoria Porter.

ls this your, uh... your home phone?

... till l'm a star

On Broadway

No, no, no, no, no...

- You were in The Wiz?

- Mr Gideon, l've never been in any show.

l had to put something on the card.

l really need ajob, so l lied.

l's all right, Rima. l lie all the time myself.

Oh, f*** him! He never picks me!

Honey, l did f*** him,

and he never picks me either!

- You were in Traffic Jam?

- Yes, sir.

- Who was the director of Traffic Jam?

- You were, Mr Gideon.

- Oh. How was l?

- Terrific.

- And who was the choreographer?

- You were, Mr Gideon.

- How was l?

- Fantastic.

Tha's how you get ajob.

God, l hope he doesn't pick her.

She's uglier than a witch's tit.

The expression is "colder than a witch's tit".

- You've never seen a woman's tit in your life.

- Shh. Be quiet, you two.

OK, thank you all very much.

lt was a terrific audition. Just stay in line.

Now tha's what l call a real drinker's nose.

And you should know, because

you're a real drinker, aren't you, Joe?

- Yeah.

- Also heavy into speed, aren't you?

- Yeah.

- Also sleep with a great many women.

- Real turn-off, huh?

- Just the opposite.

l'll make up my mind about the men later.

l know which girls l want.

Candy, Casey, Rima,

Jennifer and Victoria Porter.

- The one in the shocking-pink leotard?

- See if any are willing to be swing dancers.

- She's tone-deaf.

- With those legs, who cares?

Oh, Joey, l know you're in a hurry,

but l want to check your schedule.

- Same as always.

- Joey? Joey, can we talk a minute, please?

- Joey...

- What is it?

- You left me without a soprano again!

- Paul, please, will you let me handle it?

- What about Diane?

- What about Diane?

l've had her in three shows. She's wonderful.

At least she can sing. You left me

without a soprano. l gotta have a soprano!

Gentlemen, Mr Gideon...

The tall dancer with the blue eye shadow -

believe me, he'll hit the high notes.

The five Murray is talking to,

those are the girls l want. OK with you?

The tall girl, Victoria - l like her, Daddy.

Hm, she's all right.

l really screwed up that marriage.

Because l cheated. Oh, man,

l cheated every chance l could get.

OK with you, Audrey?

Sure. Fine with me.

What about this weekend with Michelle?

Oh, Jesus... l forgot.

l gotta work this weekend.

Oh, Joe! You promised her.

l know l promised, but what am l gonna do?

Tha's OK.

- l'm sorry, Michelle.

- l's OK.

lf you want me, l'll be in the cutting room.

He promised me.

- Some f***ing father.

- Family?

- Screwed up.

- Work?

All there is.

If l were God, man...

And sometimes l think l am...

Depends on the sh*t you're smoking...

OK. If l were God, man,

everybody would live for ever.

No death, man.

No pennies on the eyes for anybody.

Well, a couple of people, like my agent,

who booked me into this toilet...

Why is he mumbling like that?

l'll tell you why. Cos l'm the dummy

who let him mumble like that.

- Try it.

...death and the clap.

So far, l've managed to avoid one of them.

You know, man,

death is really a hip thing now.

But we all have

very different feelings about it.

For instance, to a Catholic,

death is a promotion.

Excuse me, Stacy.

Women?

Hope?

All this bullshit about "death with dignity".

You know what death with dignity is?

You don't drool.

Change-of-pace time. Request.

Here we go, Vic O'Dante. Hey!

Beauty?

- Oh, you're a flirt.

- Mm-hm.

Death is in, death is in

Hear them church bells ring

l love it, l love it, l love it!

Books, magazine articles, TVshows, Ken and

Barbie dolls who have a mutual suicide pact...

Oh, man, how many times

do we have to look at the same thing?

Until he gets it the way he wants it.

There's a lady in Chicago, man,

wrote a book - Dr K'bler-Ross, with a dash.

This chick, man, without

the benefit of dying herseIf,

has broken the process

of death into five stages.

Anger, denial, bargaining, depression and

acceptance. Sounds like a Jewish law firm.

"Good morning. Anger, Denial,

Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance."

Anger.

Jesus Christ! Goddamn

son-of-a-b*tch, pig-suckin'bastards!

Oh, pooh!

Bargaining. What did l say? Anger, denial,

bargaining, depression, acceptance.

All right, if you happen

to get to denial... denial...

"No, tha's not me, man. No. Oh-ho...

Somebody else, maybe, but not me."

"Oh, no. You got the wrong...

How about my mother, man?"

"She's old, l'm weaned, l'm toilet-trained.

Bye, Ma. You've been terrific. l love ya."

- But not me!

- Mother?

Kinda chubby. And jolly.

And sexy.

Bargaining. Remember her?

"Can we sit down and talk

about this like businessmen?"

"A negotiation, OK? No more hard drugs.

A little grass, maybe, but tha's it."

"OK, all right, look, man, l promise

l won't flash on subways any more, OK?"

Cat drives a hard bargain. Depression...

- Hi, Katie.

- "l'm dying!"

"Oh, God, am l dying?!"

Wanna have dinner together

before l go to the theatre?

- l can't.

- "The doctor's not dying."

- Should l come over to your apartment later?

- Yeah, sure.

- Father?

- Liar, womaniser. You woulda liked him.

Wait a minute. l don't know.

We may be working very late tonight.

- Tha's OK.

- Yeah. We'll talk later.

"At those prices, man,

who can afford to live?"

So... acceptance.

- "l accept!"

- Hold it.

- Hold it.

- Finished, or you wanna run it again?

No, l do not want to run it again,

thank you very much. We are finished.

- Anybody have any ideas?

- Oh, l like it, Joe. l think i's really funny.

Who asked you, Stacy?

l's too long... l don't know.

Maybe we can get away with it.

Do you suppose

Stanley Kubrick gets depressed?

- Do you wanna work tonight, Joe?

- No, l gotta work on the show.

You have really got something... special.

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