All That Jazz Page #2

All right...

All right!

l want so to be a movie star.

Oh?

Ever since l was a little kid,

l wanted to see my face

on the screen... 40 feet wide.

Oh, yeah?

"l have always depended

on the kindness of strangers."

You're looking at my nose,

aren't you? l's crooked.

lt goes to the left. See?

l mean, like, l could always

have that fixed. Like that.

Do you think l could be?

You know. A movie star.

ln the movies.

Well, tha's...

l don't know anybody

that could answer that question.

l's... i's a very freaky business, you know?

Yeah, l know all about that,

but, like, l wanna know what you think.

Do you think l could be a movie star?

No.

Even with a nose job?

Well, tha's fair.

Like you said, it is a freaky business, though.

You know, you could be wrong, right?

Right.

l don't dance so hot either, do l?

You will. l promise you.

You wanna go to bed?

Yeah.

l'm sorry. Oh, am l sorry.

- Katie!

- l shoul've called first.

Oh, sh*t.

- Did l, like, screw anything up?

- No. l screwed it up.

Oh, l meant to call her.

Oh, boy, you are really something.

l'm Joey's mother.

Ever since he was so high,

he's had such a crush on you!

l've always been fond of Joe, too.

Of all the children, he was the least worry.

He worked in all those

cheap burlesque clubs.

Always around stark-naked girls!

But did it bother him? No.

He never paid any attention.

Never even looked at them.

Amatis, you love. Amant, they love.

Amo, amas, amat, amamus, amatis, amant.

Hey, kid, what kind of language is that?

Oh, i's not a language. l's just some

jokes l'm working on. Some crazy jokes.

"Pu... Pu..."

Puella. Girl.

"First Year Latin"?

l's my kid brother's.

- How old are you?

- 19.

Uh-huh. What year were you born?

Uh, 1930...

- Try 1934.

- Right. 1934.

Now try 1492.

See you around, kid.

Maybe we could have

a drink together sometime?

Oh, sure.

You notice we have small waitresses here.

You know why? Make the drinks look bigger.

Tha's my favourite one.

The one with the big tips.

l got problems, too.

l went to see my psychiatrist.

l told him l have suicidal tendencies.

He says "From now on, you pay in advance."

Look, l don't have to do this for a living.

l have four chinchillas at home in heat.

No, l make a lot of money.

l just have trouble passing it.

l just have trouble passing it. ls this on?

First-year Latin!

l's three o'clock in the morning.

lsn't it past your bedtime?

l don't look for big laughs. l'll settle

for intelligent nods. Anything. Wink.

You better stop lying, or your nose will grow!

Ooh! Something's growing!

The drummer's not really with the band,

but he has the car. Married 14 years.

Le's continue on. Right now, ladies

and gentlemen, here he is, Tops'n'Taps,

- may we present Mr Joe Gideon!

- You're on!

Joey's never done anything to disappoint me.

l's showtime, folks.

- You believe in love?

- l believe in saying "l love you."

Helps you concentrate.

Joe, they've asked me

to go on tour with the show.

How long?

Six months. What do you think?

- And you say it all the time.

- l say it a lot. A lot.

- When?

- When it works.

You know, l love you, Katie, but l think

you have to do wha's best for you.

- Just what do you mean, Joe?

- Sometimes it doesn't work.

l mean, for your sake, l think you should go.

Hello, Michael? l's Katie.

So, um, did you mean it about dinner?

Wally's at eleven?

You're surprised? l'm a little surprised.

Thank you. OK, Michael. Bye-bye.

l'm a little surprised too. lsn't that nice?

Now we're all a little surprised.

- Who was that?

- Michael Graham.

- Who is Michael Graham?

- The dancer in my ballet class.

Straight or gay?

What do you mean?

l mean is he looking to get laid,

or is he looking for Mr Right?

He's straight.

And tall.

Michael Graham is a very tall name.

Oh, goddammit!

How dare you use my phone, my telephone,

to call somebody who's not gay?

l see. You can go out

with any girl, any girl in town...

Tha's right. l go out with any girl in town.

l stay in with you.

Joe, i's not fair...

l'm spilling the coffee...

l's all wrong. Everything is all wrong.

Tha's some set of rules you had for her.

Yeah, l know. l know.

But as long as you could

get away with it, right?

Right.

l don't wanna go out with Michael Graham.

l don't want a date. l have no small talk left.

l don't wanna fool around, l don't wanna

play games and l don't wanna fight.

l just want to love you.

Katie...

l try to give you everything l can give.

Oh, you give, all right. Presents, clothes...

l just wish

you weren't so generous with your cock.

Tha's good.

Maybe l can use that some time.

Katie! About the goddamn tour...

l don't think you should go.

Wrong reading.

Softly and with feeling.

Don't go.

Please?

- Why do you suppose she put up with it?

- l can think of many reasons

- for wanting to be with you.

- Now don't bullshit a bullshitter.

Take off with us, take off with us

We're warmin' up, so take off with us

NY to LA-A-A

Goin' all the way-ay-ay

Won't you climb aboard?

You'll ride as smooth as glass

- l's perfect. Didn't l tell you?

- Up there, where the clouds are pillowy

You're as close to heaven as you'll ever be

Lean back, relax, here come the snacks

Drop your diet, have a fall

Don't stop with one, try 'em all

Music's ready to begin

Take out your headset, plug it in

Wha's your answer, chu-hu-hum?

Are you gonna co-o-ome?

On the coolest, hottest trip

Tha's ever been

Oh, i's very, very good!

l think we might even get

a commercial tie-in with the airlines.

- You think so? Great.

- Audrey?

Well, ask...

Yeah, i's OK.

Let me see what l can do with it.

l think i's just what the show needs.

l's catchy, i's bouncy. Right, Ted?

- Oh, yeah, very bouncy and catchy.

- Can we hear it again?

- l'd love to hear it again.

- Oh! Arnie...

Turn. Some f***in' music.

- Turn back.

- Arch your back. Extend the right leg.

Ease your partner down gently.

Slide. Slide.

Slide!

Have you ever slept with another woman?

l once tried living with two girls.

Two girls at once.

- We lived together.

- Laughed together.

- Drank together.

- Smoked together.

Slept together.

Woke up one morning...

one of them was gone.

On the bureau, she left a note.

l'm sorry. l cannot share you any more.

l want you all to myself, or not at all.

Please, please try to understand.

l not only understood, l was flattered.

l was flattered that she felt

so strongly about me.

How did you know the note was to you?

No. No, tha's not me, man. No.

Somebody else, maybe, but not me.

- What is this, Eddie?

- Not me. Talk to him.

Joey, l gotta talk to you

about these time sheets.

Three weeks now we've been on triple time.

The brass is eating my ass out!

You shot 82 days on a 65-day schedule.

On a four-month editing schedule,

you've gone seven months.

We're already 2.2 million

over the original budget.

Joey, God made the entire world in six days.

He didn't go on overtime once.

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