All That Jazz Page #3

You can't even cut an hour-and-a-half movie

in seven months, on triple time?

Joey, l hate to do this.

l'm usually a very calm man,

but this whole thing

has got me terribly crazy.

l must put my foot down.

Joey, the whole thing has gotta stop.

lt has to stop. l's got to stop!

ltjust simply must stop!

Josh, l made changes in the monologue.

l think you'll like it. l have to go to rehearsal.

At those prices, who can afford to live?

- Nice talking to you, Josh.

- So l accept!

Oh, my God. lt is better.

- God help us all.

- Wait a minute. Real dead body.

l's better.

OK, that looks pretty good. l like it.

Le's go. Everybody down, in a straight line.

Move down, move down.

Move down, Victoria.

- And sing it out. Here we go.

- Five, six, seven...

And any seat you grab will be first class

Two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight...

And l don't like it.

Uh, double that.

- Which button?

- The white one, down.

Ah, that stinks. Le's play something else.

Do me a favour. Take off your shoes.

- Wha's that?

- l's a mint.

- Can l have one?

- No, come on, you wouldn't like it.

Let me try this.

Here, you stand over there,

then jump up on my shoulder.

Oh, God, you're getting heavy.

All right, put your leg in an arabesque.

There we are.

- How are things at home?

- They're pretty good.

All right, watch your back now.

- Anything you wanna tell me?

- l promised Mom l wouldn't bring it up.

But you're gonna bring it up anyway.

Sit down. You can tell me

anything. You know that.

Gimme your wrists. Ready? And jump.

- l's just that l keep wondering, Dad...

- Bend your knees.

What is it you keep wondering?

Why don't you get married again?

Do a head roll.

l don't get married again because

l can't find anyone l dislike enough

to inflict that kind of torture on.

Hey, why don't you marry Katie?

She's terrific.

Keep rolling your head.

Straighten your leg. Yeah, you're right.

She's terrific. Tha's exactly

why l don't wanna marry her.

Run off to the corner.

Jump and l'll catch you.

And Victoria? You're not too crazy about her.

Just run and jump.

Never mind that. Come on.

- What about the blonde?

- What blonde?

The one in Philadelphia with the TV show?

You know, the one Mom keeps talking about.

Oh, yeah, that blonde.

Jump up and wrap your legs around me.

Wrap around, tha's it.

Why is it so important to you that...

Follow my hand.

Why is it so important to you

that l get married again?

Cos then you'd stop screwing around.

Hey! Watch your language.

- Oh, sh*t! Look at the time.

- Oh, Daddy, can't we stay longer?

- No, your mother will kill me.

- Oh, i's so much fun.

No, no, absolutely. Come on.

Stop flocking your legs. Come on.

- Oh, please?

- No, no, no, no.

Besides, if you got married again, maybe

you'd have a baby and l'd have a brother.

l'll call Hertz and rent you a brother.

- Oh, very funny.

- Oh, everybody's a critic.

Showtime, folks.

Showtime.

Five, six, seven, eight.

Stop smiling. Lay back. Lay back.

Hold it, hold it, hold it.

Candy, Casey, very good.

You're gonna do it again, Victoria.

Gary, Danny, le's go.

Stop smiling. l's not

the high-school play. Count.

Five, six, seven, eight.

Hold it.

Stand on your right foot.

Point your left toe.

Drop that shoulder.

Now, tha's not too hard, is it?

Again.

Five, six, seven, eight.

Lay back, Victoria. Lay back.

Lay back!

Hold it, hold it.

- Sorry.

- No, you're right. l'm terrible.

l know l'm terrible. l look

in the mirror and l'm embarrassed.

Maybe l should quit. l... l just

can't seem to do anything right.

Listen, l can't make you a great dancer.

l don't even know

if l can make you a good dancer.

But if you keep tryin' and don't quit,

l know l can make you a better dancer.

And l'd like very much to do that.

Stay?

Are you gonna keep yelling at me?

Probably.

Five, six, seven, eight. One and two,

three, four, five, six, seven, eight. One, two.

One, two, three, four, five,

six, seven, eight. One, two.

Better.

Breathe deep. Again.

Hold it.

All right, you can turn around now.

Breathe deep.

Again.

All right, you can put your shirt on now.

Well, Doctor? Does he pass?

Good. Now l'm worth a million dollars.

Tha's only if you die before February 1st.

Schedules, Goldie, always schedules.

Can we take you to lunch, Doctor?

And any seat you grab

will be first class

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.

Nah, tha's no good either. Le's try this.

- Measure 412.

- l do the same as before?

Yeah, same thing, only l'll be behind you.

And any seat you grab will be first class

Two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.

All right, le's everybody try it.

Grab a partner. Come on.

OK, here we go. Ready?

Five, six, seven, eight.

And any seat you grab will be first class

Five, six, seven...

- Do it again.

- Once more, everybody.

Ready? Five, six, seven...

And any seat you grab will be first class

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.

OK.

- OK, here we go. Once more, everybody.

- l gotta get outta here. l'll be back later.

- How does this look, Paul?

- l love it, love it.

No. l's too cute.

Ah! Oh, sh*t.

l can't go back to that room.

l can't face those dancers.

l'm stuck. They keep staring at me,

and nothing's coming out.

- Oh, boy, the number's lousy.

- My song, lousy?

No, not the song. Me, me,

the way l'm staging it.

- Maybe we should cut it.

- Cut it? l think l'll leave.

Paul, sit right there. Go back to bar 17.

And...

Did you hear what l said?

Nothing is coming.

Don't worry, Paul, he always says the same

thing about every number, in every show.

Now how the hell do you know

what l always say?

- lt would be better if l stepped outside.

- Keep playing, Paul.

l'm only doing this goddamn show because

you wanna play that stupid 24-year-old girl.

Oh, l knew sooner or later you'd say that.

You do think l'm too old for the part.

Well, you're wrong.

l can play 24 years old,

and l'll damn well prove it.

You wanna quit the show? Quit the show.

You don't have to do anything for me.

Just don't kid yourself that you're doing this

show for any reason except guilt about me.

Guilt? What guilt?

For never going one day

when you were faithful to me?

Oh, that guilt.

Faithful, faithful... You're always

talking about being faithful.

Audrey, why do you think so small?

Besides, how do l know

you were faithful to me?

- You know l was.

- Tha's right, l know you were.

- Oh, you meant to do that.

- Yes, l did.

You kept me working all the time.

l never had a chance to cheat.

What is this big hang-up about fidelity?

What makes being faithful

the greatest friggin' virtue in the world?

Excuse me.

Well, it is a great deal better

than the meaningless affairs

you keep tap-dancing through.

Those Stacys, those Victorias...

You're not even fooling Michelle

with Victoria, you know.

- Straighten that leg.

- lt is as straight as i's ever going to get.

Oh, the Bonnies, the Wendys,

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