All That Jazz Page #4

the Debbies, the Donnas...

l can't even remember

all their names. Give me a hand.

Keep playing, Paul.

Bet you can't either. Quick, tell me, what

was the name of the girl in Philadelphia?

The blonde with the television show?

Oh, the blonde with the television

show in Philadelphia?

l remember that girl's name.

Because that girl meant something to me.

The blonde with the television show,

her name was Sweetheart.

- Honey?

- No.

Baby?

l can't remember her name.

Dorothy.

- Dorothy.

- Who cares?

l can't remember her name.

The number's lookin' good.

Keep working.

- ls he gonna cut the number?

- No, l don't think so, Paul.

He's gonna cut it. He's gonna cut it.

Oh, God, that man.

He's gonna drive me crazy.

l's showtime, folks.

l's... i's not quite ready yet.

And, Paul, i's not exactly

the way we talked about it.

- Hm?

- l's a little different.

- Mind doing that somewhere else?

- Sorry.

lf you wanna come in, l'll show it

to you in about five minutes.

l wanna get a drink of water.

Take off with us

Take off with us

We're warmin' up so

We're warmin' up

NY to LA

Going all the way

Won't you climb aboard

You'll ride as smooth as glass

Glass

Meet our friendly, eager crew

They only live to service you

Service, service, service you

This flight, this flight comes complete

With your choice of seat

And any seat you grab will be first class

Up there, where the clouds are pillowy

You're as close to heaven

as you'll ever be

Lean back, relax

Here come the snacks

Drop your diet, have a fall

Don't stop, don't stop, don't stop with one

Try 'em all

Try 'em all

The music's ready to begin

Take out your headset, plug it in

Wha's your answer, chum?

Are you gonna come?

On the coolest, hottest

Coolest, hottest

Coolest, hottest trip tha's ever been

Lean back, relax

Thanks, thanks a lot, but i's

not exactly over yet. Murray?

Smoke, smoke.

Smoke... Smoke...

The lights go down

and a light comes up over there.

Welcome. Welcome aboard Air Rotica.

Take off with us

Flying not only coast to coast...

...but anywhere your desires

and fantasies wish to take you.

Take off with us

Let us all get to know one another.

- Remember, we can take you anywhere.

- They're taking their clothes off.

Mm-hm.

Just reach out your hand

and introduce yourselves.

- My name is Sam.

- My name is Otto.

- My name is Jennifer.

- My name is Rima.

- Gary.

- John.

Uh-oh. l think we just lost

the family audience.

- My name is Candace.

- My name is Jennifer.

- My name is Rima.

- My name is Danny.

- My name is Autumn.

- My name's Sandahl.

- My name is John.

- My name is Gary.

And don't forget about

our group fun, fun, fun plan.

Now Sinatra will never record it.

Then an actor comes out

from the side of the stage and says...

- "Not once, during any of our flights..."

- Goodbye.

- See you around.

- Hope to see you again real soon.

"...of any real human communication."

- Well, uh...

- Goodbye.

"Our motto is:
we take you

everywhere, but get you nowhere."

Boy, l hate to hurt his feelings,

but we can't have that on a stage.

Take five.

Well?

Yeah, i's, um... i's, uh...

interesting.

Yes, very interesting.

Did you like it?

- l's unusual.

- Mm-hm, very unusual.

Oh, l don't think they liked it.

What do you think?

l don't know about the audiences, but

l think i's the best work you've ever done.

You son of a b*tch.

Jesus Christ! Sex, sex, sex - can't he

ever think of anything else but sex?

Tha's his sickness.

Nah, nothin' l ever do is good enough.

l's not beautiful enough, i's not

funny enough, i's not deep enough...

l's not anything enough.

Now, when l see a rose, tha's perfect.

l mean, tha's perfect. l wanna look up to God

and say "How the hell did you do that?"

- "And why the hell can't l do that?"

- Tha's probably one of your better con lines.

Yeah, it is. But that

doesn't mean l don't mean it.

If l were God...

Sometimes l think l am...

Depends on the sh*t you're smoking...

If l were God, man,

everybody would live for ever.

No death, man. No pennies

on the eyes for anybody.

You know, man, death

is really a hip thing now.

Death is in.

Books, magazine articles, TVshows, Ken

and Barbie dolls with a mutual suicide pact...

Buried them in a little shoebox.

Knew a guy who bought a pair of them.

He was into doll necrophilia.

If it cuts...

- All right, little thing. Oooh!

- l's terrific.

There's a lady in Chicago, man,

wrote a book. Dr K'bler-Ross, with a dash.

This chick, man, without

the benefit of dying herseIf,

has broken the process

of death into five stages.

Anger, denial, bargaining,

depression and acceptance.

- Tha's it.

- Sounds like a Jewish law firm.

- Got time to make some changes?

- Not and make the screening tonight, no.

- l cannot believe people are gonna see this.

- Neither can l.

- l's a bomb.

- Really?

Yeah, really. You'll have to make a speech.

Tell 'em i's a rough cut, we're not finished...

- Tell 'em any excuse you can think of.

- Why don't you tell 'em?

- l'm not gonna be there.

- You're not coming? Where you gonna be?

Hiding someplace, probably

vomiting, or drinking, or both.

We'll start recutting Monday morning.

They bought that love story?

Oh, l'm sorry.

l wasn't answering the phone.

l think they told me they liked it.

Just wasn't answering the phone...

Come on, don't bullshit a bullshitter.

No, l don't believe you either.

l'll have her home by 10.30, don't worry. Bye.

Oh, sh*t.

Hello. Stacy? Oh, listen,

l'm sorry. l'm in a meeting.

Just don't panic on the staircase.

At least three people said

how much they liked the screening.

One was my producer, one was

my lawyer and one was Michelle's mother.

Oh, Joe, everybody loved it. We tried to

tell you that last night. You wouldn't listen.

You know, that was the first R-rated

movie l ever saw, and l loved it.

- Did you understand it?

- Well, l understood everything

except the part where the two girls

were in bed together and they were kissing.

What was that supposed to mean?

- ls dinner ready yet?

- No.

- What was that supposed to mean?

- Well, Michelle, uh,

there are certain women who...

- Who...?

- Thanks a lot.

There are certain women

who just don't relate to men, so they...

l think lesbian scenes are a big turn-off.

l shoulda cut it.

- Wha's goin' on here?

- Never mind. You'll find out.

- Couldn't l be doin' somethin'?

- Just turn off the lights when we tell you.

- Turn on the phonograph when we tell you.

- Yes, ma'am.

Oh, no, don't...

- Where'd you get those hats?

- Not tellin' ya.

Tha's for us to know and for you to find out.

- Oh, the lights, lights, lights.

- Joe, could you turn off the lights, please?

Now turn on those whachamacallit lights.

Yes, ma'am.

Crash!

Ladies and gentlemen, in honour

of El Stinko, El Blotto's screening

of Joe Gideon's new film, The Stand-up,

we are proud to present those two

dancing sensations Jagger and Gideon!

Rate this script:5.0 / 1 vote