Almost Adults Page #2

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Way to rub it in my face.

Oh, and they didn't even tell me

that they were proud of me.

Isn't that like the number

one thing you're supposed

to tell your gay kid

when you come out to them,

like, how proud you are of them?

I'm pretty sure it's in

the gay parent handbook.

They must've lost the handbook.

I can only come out to them

once in my whole life,

and they freaking ruined it

for me with their kindness

and blatant disregard

for my feelings.

Are you even listening to me?

- Oh, no.

Cassie's home.

I gotta go, b*tch.

Okay, babe. Sorry your

parents are amazing.

Sh*t.

Stop whatever

you're doing right now.

We are going

to pizza hut buffet.

I am going to commit carbicide.

I mean, before you say anything,

I know that pizza hut buffet

is not a thing anymore,

rest in peace pizza hut buffet,

but that doesn't mean

we can't just order

like a bazillion pizzas

and pretend it's still a thing.

- Right?

This is not what it looks like.

I know what

you must be thinking.

MacKenzie, are you

watching lesbian porn?

'Cause I told you that

"Bridget Jones' diaphragm"

is not the same movie.

No, I...

Well, yes, but it's for a class.

Really? What class?

I want in.

Yeah, it's like

this women's studies class.

I have to do this assignment

on post colonial gentrification

set in an urban landscape

posing in lesbian film.

Did you just take

everything you remembered

from your art theory class

and mush it all together?

That is exactly what I just did.

Hmm.

Well, it looks like

you beat me to the carbicide.

What happened?

Dinner with my parents

was kind of a disaster.

Really?

What happened?

Uh, I just...

I told them something,

and they did not take it

the way that I thought

that they would.

Your parents are like

the most supportive people

I know.

I know. It's the worst.

What didn't they take

the right way?

You know what?

It's nothing.

How was dinner

with your parents?

Well, I told them

I broke up with Matthew.

- Oh, sh*t.

How'd that go?

Um, well, I think

after the hysterical crying

and screaming stopped

that it actually

went pretty well.

I got the chocolate explosion

cake for dessert.

F*** off.

That's a good one.

- Did you bring me some?

- Mm-mm.

Yeah.

- Yeah.

- Hah.

So are we gonna go

or I guess we can just keep

watching lesbian porn.

It's not lesbian porn.

It's lesbian film.

It's art.

It's very different.

Lesbian porn is gross.

Yeah, I know.

I don't even think

that the lesbians

who do lesbian porn

are real lesbians.

Well, like I saw this one

where they were,

they were using a strap-on,

and then they like

put on a condom on it

and I was like, "why?"

Why would you...

Why would you do that?

Extra protection, obviously.

Well, I will stick

to my normal porn.

One-legged paraplegics

and Asian tentacles,

- thank you very much.

- Hmm.

I'm watching all the sex scenes

in lesbian movies, mom,

are you gonna call me a pervert?

Damn it, mom!

Call me a pervert.

Isn't it weird how different

your life turned out

than the way you had planned?

Trust me, I know.

What did you want to be again

when you grew up?

- A ninja turtle?

- No!

I wanted to be

the red power ranger.

- How could you forget?

- Oh, yeah.

Right.

How could I?

You were the only girl

who didn't want to be

the pink power ranger.

Well, the red one

was obviously the coolest

and the leader so.

And the hottest.

Right.

It's like I thought I knew

what I was doing with my life.

You know, like, I had a plan

and I wrote it out on paper.

I didn't even put it

in my phone.

Like, I killed a tree for it.

I know. It hangs on our

fridge, mocking me

for not having a plan.

Then Matthew

had to go and propose

and screw everything up.

Now look at me.

You're a walking disaster.

You are lucky I'm still

friends with you.

I think I'm having

an anxiety attack.

I don't really know, because I've

never really had one before,

but I think that's what's

happening right now.

- Are you having trouble breathing?

- No.

Do you feel super nervous?

No.

I don't think you know

what an anxiety attack is.

Maybe there are different

forms of anxiety attacks.

Yeah, I don't think so.

I don't know. It's just,

like, my whole life I thought

that I wanted a traditional

life, you know?

Like, get married and have kids,

and, I don't know, have a dog

that wears like a tiny hat.

Yeah.

I mean you can still

have a traditional life.

- You know that.

- I don't know.

Maybe I don't want

a traditional life.

You know, like, maybe

I wanna be promiscuous

and get HPV, I don't know,

the sky's the limit.

I think HPV's, like,

really common now.

You can get crazier than that.

You should go for the clap.

Hey, Cassie.

I've gotta tell you something,

and please don't freak out.

But...

Oh, my god.

Oh, you know.

Oh, sh*t, you know.

I've made a huge mistake.

My parents were right.

Okay. Clearly you're having

a mental breakdown

because your parents

are never right.

You weren't ready to get

married, which is good,

because you're 22.

Who the f*** gets

married at 22, Cass?

Rednecks, that's who.

Maybe I wanna be a redneck.

Okay, then go be a redneck.

I don't wanna be a redneck.

I think I know what's going

to make you feel better.

Do you remember when

I dated Andrew?

- Eww, yeah.

- Yeah.

And he had, like,

the tiniest dick ever?

Yeah, you said it was an innie.

It was. It was

a f***ing innie.

I mean, I have not seen

a lot of d*cks in my lifetime,

but that one was tiny.

It was so small

that when it got scared it

would just like, disappear.

It would like, retreat until

there was no penis left.

I've never even heard

of a dick that small.

I mean, I guess technically,

I never even lost my virginity.

So, I'm still a virgin.

Who's more pathetic now?

This one.

You're a 22-year-old virgin.

Priests have had

more sex than I have.

Maybe my life isn't so bad.

Yeah.

Hey, why did you tell

me not to freak out?

Just, like, don't freak out

because your life's

not that bad.

Oh, right.

Thanks, bud.

Okay, which one should I wear?

Is this a joke?

They look identical.

This one's a tri-blend,

and this one's a poly-cotton.

God, you're such

a lesbian sometimes.

Fine, the one on the right.

I don't know. This one

reeks of desperation.

I'm going

with the poly-cotton.

I don't even know why you

bother asking me.

I have literally worn this

shirt for, like, a week now.

I just keep on, like,

dousing it in perfume

to hide my b.O.

My god, you're disgusting.

I'm single.

I don't know what you would

do if you didn't have me.

Oh, here we go.

"Tum-blur"?

Tumblr.

It's the new Facebook

for lesbians.

Hell, it's the new eharmony

for lesbians.

I have a Pinterest account.

Can I just use that?

No, are you a 50-year-old mom

or planning your wedding?

No. Delete that account

immediately.

I'm, like, embarrassed for you.

Okay, so, let's create

your profile.

You're totes adorbs.

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