Almost Christmas Page #3

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Hey! Wait a minute.

Your Aunt May went through a lot

of trouble preparing all this.

Yes, I did.

The least we could do

is to eat her...

What's this?

Thank you, Walter.

Because this right here, baby,

this is my spiced mung bean

winter casserole

with a hint of...

Spam.

Limburger cheese.

Baby lotion?

You all remind my ass

when to laugh, okay?

Aunt May, this looks

like a million bucks.

Thank you, baby.

And Cameron is going to be

the first one to try it.

Wait! Why do I have to eat it?

I didn't do anything wrong!

Don't talk back

to your mother, boy.

Why can't you eat it?

Don't talk back to your daddy.

Y'all are all going

to owe me a huge apology.

Here we go.

Just a little taste

to kick off the celebration.

I don't want to die.

Open your mouth.

Here, hold his nose. Hold his

nose so he opens his mouth.

Be a man now.

Hold his nose!

Open! Okay.

Open up. Get it in.

There you go.

Seal it!

- Chew it!

- Cameron, are you okay?

You ungrateful bastards!

The whole lot of you!

Now I'm in there slaving my ass

off trying to make it right.

You think his ass upset right now? Wait

till he finds out you not his daddy.

Aunt May!

Aunt May!

It's not that we wouldn't like it.

We just don't recognize it.

Kiss my ass.

Put it on a plate then.

And I guarantee you it's better

than this food on this table.

And I don't know

where your ass been at.

Lonnie.

Am I wrong?

I'm sorry, Walter.

Look, well, at least

there's bread.

Here, baby, have some bread.

Here, have some bread.

Baby, you know, Brooks has

got me on a meal plan.

Mommy!

It doesn't look good in here.

It's a low-carb...

Daddy, Aunt May doesn't think she's actually

cooking Christmas dinner, does she?

With any luck, she's not.

Grace always believed in

everybody pitching in.

Grandma let me snap the peas.

She did, she did.

She used to make me

clean a tub of greens.

She would be like, "Rachel, make sure

you get those bugs out them greens."

Yeah.

Somehow I always ended up having a

ton of bugs in my greens anyway.

But you barreled through. Didn't you?

Didn't let that stop you.

Extra protein.

Yeah.

Remember after I got married, Mom

finally let me make the stuffing?

That obviously didn't work out.

Okay, really?

I was talking

about the dressing.

You cannot help yourself,

and it is baffling.

We were talking about our mother

and somehow you made it

about my marriage.

I wasn't talking about your marriage.

I was talking about your divorce.

At least I was smart enough

to get one.

Smartness! Hey, I'm still in the room.

Okay? Girls!

88's in the house!

Are y'all fighting already?

Niya, pack your stuff.

We're going to a hotel.

A hotel? A hostel, hotel,

it's the same thing.

Girls! It'll be an adventure.

Come on.

Don't waste a bus pass

on my account.

Pack your bags, Lonnie.

Hey, Rachel! That's called karma.

We're getting the hell out of here.

Hey, Rachel! Cheryl!

Here we go.

You two. Get down here now!

What's wrong with you two?

I didn't start this, Daddy.

Oh, my God! You always start it.

Actually, you both started it.

You stay out of it.

You're just making it worse.

I'm makin'...

Okay. I'm Lonnie, now.

This is exactly why I wanted

to stay in a hotel, Pop.

Well, what's stopping you

now, huh?

Nothing's stopping me.

Quiet! Quiet! Hey, quiet!

What would your mother say if she could

see you carrying on like this, huh?

Five days.

Just five days for you all

to act like a family.

To act like you have the good

sense you were raised with.

Five days so we can make it

through Christmas.

That's all I'm asking.

Can you do that? Huh?

Love you, Pops.

You gotta hug me back.

I need it. There it is!

You all should feel

like a bunch of dumbasses.

No, Aunt May, I came here with

the purest of intentions.

You are just

straight up delusional!

Shut up!

You're the one being stupid!

Shut up!

Now just shut the sh*t up!

I'm sick of it.

Your daddy too damn old

for all this bullshit.

Now if y'all don't get your asses in

that kitchen and apologize right now,

I'm kicking everybody's ass

in here. Come on.

Well, I just walked in.

Boy, listen here.

Your little ass got on them red Bozo shoes.

That's why you gotta apologize.

Get your asses in the kitchen.

Y'all need to get yourselves together

so we can go to church tomorrow.

Look at this.

Look at this young sh*t, here.

Push a b*tch again!

Push a b*tch again!

God damn it!

Y'all gotta go to church

tomorrow. You get there early.

Lonnie, get your ass

away from me.

This don't make no sense.

They're just going

to blow my buzz.

We're not going to make it

to Christmas, are we?

Huh! Not a damn chance.

That's some good liquor

right there, baby.

And the award for the most

outstanding performance

on offense, defense,

and special teams

for the Sportsman

of the Universe...

I'm talking

for the entire millennium.

Ladies and gentlemen,

number 88, Evan Meyers!

Is it...

I can't...

You guys are so kind.

My gosh! Thank you!

You know what I mean.

That's just how I do.

Uncle Evan, Granddad said hurry

up. We're going to be late for church.

All right, Cam. I'm coming.

God, you're holy Yes, you are

God, you're worthy Yes, you are

We give you our praise

Now, you know not one of us has been

to church since we left Birmingham.

And now we're just supposed to

come in here and act like...

We anointed!

Praise Him!

Hallelujah!

How are you?

Yes, you are Yes, you are

Yes, you are Yes, you are

Yes, you are Yes, you are

"Unto us a child is born.

"Unto us, a son is given.

"And his name

"shall be called Wonderful."

Wonderful!

Before we get started

this morning,

I want to welcome all of our

visitors and our CME Christians.

They only make it on Christmas,

Mother's Day, and Easter.

Also, want to recognize

one of our longest serving

and dearest brothers in Christ,

Brother Walter Meyers, here

with his beautiful family.

Lonnie! Lonnie!

Let's not make it about me.

This is about Jesus.

Stop it. Sit down.

Now we haven't seen

Brother Meyers for a while

since the passing

of our dearest Grace.

You all right, son?

If you're in the

neighborhood... Yeah.

Stop on by and say hello.

Okay.

I'm sure he would

welcome the company.

Amen.

Amen.

Amen.

Uncle Lonnie, are we still going

to fix rooftop Santa tonight?

Has Uncle Lonnie

ever let you down?

Yes!

Yes!

Lonnie, don't you think

you should wait for Evan?

Hey, I'm doing it for the kids!

Your kids!

My hands are going up your ass.

Ain't got no gloves or nothing.

Last time a man gave you a

prostate exam with no gloves on?

I really don't think you should be

messing around in there, Lonnie.

Don't listen to the Grinch,

okay? I got this.

Uncle Lonnie got this for you!

Are you kids ready for Santa?

Yeah!

Yeah!

I said, who's ready for Santa?

We are!

We are!

I'm going to make you an icepack

for the knot that's going to

be on your head when you fall.

Come on, give it up for the Grinch.

Give it up for the Grinch.

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