Almost Heroes

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In 1804, President Thomas Jefferson...

commissioned Meriwether Lewis

and William Clark...

to explore the vast,

uncharted territories of the Northwest.

What most people don't know

is that there was a second expedition...

led by two other men...

men that may not have

possessed the courage...

vision, or intelligence of Lewis and Clark...

but men nonetheless.

Their story, such as it is,

begins in Arlington, Virginia.

It'll take more than a couple of fops

to take me down!

I hope Satan himself burns the flesh

from your miserable bones!

Good God, lady!

Get your hands off me!

Leave me alone!

Faster, man. Faster. But not too fast.

As much haste as possible while

maintaining a tolerable level of comfort.

A man's life is at stake.

No!

On March 25, 1804...

Bartholomew Hunt...

a tracker employed by the army

of the United States of America...

was found guilty of drunken

and disorderly conduct...

in the presence of an officer.

Then later...

he forced that officer to waltz with him

through a crowded mess hall.

Have you anything to say?

Yes, I do.

When I am dead

and have passed on to the next world...

I want you to lower me

from these gallows and...

kiss my hairy buttocks!

Hang him!

Take him down and choke him!

Hang him!

May God have mercy on this man.

Out of the way. Get back.

I have a stay of execution

signed by President Jefferson himself.

See? He signed it right here.

"Thomas Jefferson. "

- Sorry.

- Thank you.

Mr. Hunt, I plan on being the first man

to map a route to the Pacific.

But I require an expert guide.

If you wanted a tracker,

why did you choose me?

- Why didn't you get William Clark?

- Don't you think I tried?

Meriwether Lewis beat me to him.

I'm sick to death of those two.

Lewis and Clark this. Lewis and Clark that.

We'll see who talks about them

after we beat them to the Pacific.

Then we'll see who gets invited

to the finest parties.

We'll see who's able to parlay their

accomplishments into a political career.

When the history books are written...

Lewis and Clark will be

but a footnote to a footnote...

and I, sir, will be the note.

My hands will grow rough,

my teeth may yellow...

I might even experience

a general soreness in the joints.

Yes, this mission will be

a treacherous one, make no mistake.

We will face danger from savages

and from bears.

These bears are wild, mind you.

Not trained carnival bears...

- with little hats.

- Sounds exhilarating, sir.

Few men would have the courage

for such an endeavor.

I'm not afraid, Mr. Burr.

My mind will protect me.

I'm a man of science, a man of learning...

a man who knows

how to buy the finest books.

Fear will be our breakfast,

and stark-raving terror our daily luncheon.

Mr. Hunt?

Mr. Hunt?

I'd be more worried about the Indians

than the bears.

It's common knowledge that...

when the savages capture a white man...

they will split open his head...

pick out his brains, and eat them...

with a crudely fashioned fork. So...

Have you witnessed such atrocities,

Mr. Hunt?

I've seen the forks.

You look like a man

who appreciates good whiskey.

Thank you, sir.

But I fear inebriation may cause me

to forget my manners...

in such fine company.

Good God, man,

I'm not talking about getting blind drunk.

I just meant for you to have a taste.

Well then, taste it shall be.

Not bad.

How about you get your own bottle?

Good morning.

I had Jonah put you in here last night.

It seemed a barn was the only suitable

place for a man in your condition.

I think there was something wrong

with that whiskey.

My head is splitting open.

I'm surprised you're hungover at all...

considering the amount you regurgitated

into the harpsichord.

Look. Sorry about that.

I'd better go now.

Mr. Hunt,

I cannot go on this journey without you.

I'm offering you a full partnership.

What do you think of that?

I think it ain't worth the spit you wasted

saying it.

I'm also willing to pay you $100.

- $200.

- $125.

$150.

Deal.

Great things are in store for us.

Soon our names will be on the lips of...

Well, on a great many influential lips.

Are you listening, Mr. Hunt?

I believe

those pigs would prefer their privacy.

Hell. I paid good money

to see this on stage in Louisville.

Of course, there the pigs were dressed

like the King and Queen of France.

Costumes. Legitimate theater.

I'm looking for Leslie Edwards.

- I am Leslie Edwards.

- My name's Jackson.

It's been my lifelong dream

to see the Pacific Ocean before I die.

Please take me with you.

An old bag of bones like you

wouldn't make it 100 yards upriver.

On my worst day

I could still beat the stuffing out of you...

you puffed-up crow's cock.

- No, you couldn't.

- I know.

Please take me with you.

I must see the Pacific.

- Can you deny an old man his dream?

- I cannot, and I will not.

Jackson, you may accompany us.

- Horse's ass.

- Turd!

- Help us load the boats.

- Sorry, can't do. I'm an old man.

Edwards, this man says you hired him

as an interpreter.

- You must be Guy Fontenot.

- I am.

It is my understanding

that you've mastered the languages...

of all the indigenous populations

from here to the Pacific.

- Who told you this?

- Why, you did, in your letter.

My letter?

The letter.

- Yes. Then it is the truth.

- Wonderful.

Which boat will we be in?

- We?

- Fontenot wants to bring his wife.

- I told him he can't.

- She's not my wife.

Not my wife. I buy her.

She belong to me as a property.

Well, the distinction has been noted.

Unfortunately, as you can see,

the boats have been fully loaded...

and we haven't even taken on my hats

and tea service.

They say you can't come.

You didn't let me finish.

Certainly we can make room.

I mean, who needs tea?

Let it be known...

that if I catch any man looking at her...

I will cut him like a pig.

Yes, I'll see if I can work that

into my speech.

Father.

Dear Lord in Heaven...

bless us as we leave this Christian world...

and give us courage to bring

your gospel of love and tolerance...

to the ignorant,

godless savages who await us.

Amen.

- All right. Let's go!

- Hold on, Mr. Hunt. Hold on, everyone.

I prepared a short address

to commemorate our embarkation.

Here we go.

Men, we are about to embark

on an unprecedented adventure...

to the great Northwest.

Unfortunately, Lewis and Clark

have a two-week head start...

so time is of the essence.

We will be pushing up the Missouri.

What? Against the current?

Mightn't it be easier

to go down the Mississippi...

- instead of up the Missouri?

- Yes, it most certainly would be.

We could go to New Orleans instead.

Gentlemen,

we have already been to New Orleans.

Sir, I've been to New Orleans.

It's wonderful.

I've been there as well.

The food alone is worth the trip.

The food, sir.

New Orleans.

All right, fine!

Any man who is too cowardly

to share the greatest adventure...

in our young country's history...

and would rather experience

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