Almost Heroes Page #2

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the decadence of New Orleans, well...

then go right ahead.

Mr. Hunt, do something.

Next man who leaves for New Orleans...

will do so with a lead ball in his back!

Need I remind you

that you all have signed contracts?

What about them?

- They will be dealt with.

- By who?

- All right, they escaped.

- Now get in the boat!

Everyone.

And so our journey begins.

I believe the men and I share

a tremendous sense of excitement...

and anticipation for what lies ahead.

Thank you, Higgins.

Your music will be a welcome companion

on our long journey.

Men, we'll be following

the map of trapper Pierre LeBlanc...

who explored the Missouri in 1792.

Hunt,

you've traversed most of these territories.

Tell the men

what they might expect to encounter.

Okay. Well...

- what I remember most were the animals.

- The animals.

Fearsome beasts

of the mountains and plains.

I seen a bear so powerful...

that it snapped a man's body in half

with his huge jaws.

I seen a badger with paws

as big as frying pans.

They'd rip your face right off. Right off!

There's nothing you can do with that.

Just rip it off.

Once there was a hawk

that swooped down from the sky...

and plucked a man's eyeballs

out of his sockets.

The fellow was screaming,

"Im blind, I can't see!

"I can't get it off!"

- Twice when I was fishing...

- Hunt...

- I think you're scaring the men.

- I think it's best they know.

Gives a man courage

to know what he's up against.

There's an animal now!

Kill him!

We can't kill it.

We're all dead!

- God save us!

- Hold your fire!

Its only a squirrel.

He's got something in his hand!

31 May, 1804.

We are now spending our first night

in the wilds.

From this point on...

hardship and deprivation will be

our constant companions.

Jonah, it is absolutely brutal out here.

The water's nowhere near as hot

as it was in Virginia.

I wouldn't know, sir.

Personally, I just finished

washing my privates in the ice-cold river.

I think Ill... Yes, I think Ill wear

my paisley robe this evening.

- Its your prerogative, sir.

- Yes, it is.

Mr. Hunt here to see you, sir.

I just thought I'd tell you there's already

a problem with the men's morale.

Its our first night out.

How can there already be a problem?

One faction feels that you're distant,

you don't care about them.

Another group feels that the original

high-minded goals of the expedition...

have been abandoned for quick profits.

You have to keep on top of these things.

...and we're all in this together.

We are no different from one another.

Except, of course, for our rank in society

and in this company.

Let us get better acquainted.

What do you do with your leisure time?

Leisure time.

You know, time for yourself

where you don't have to work.

Leisure... Never mind.

You there, fingering that stomach wound.

Stand up and tell us a little about yourself.

- Me, sir?

- Yes, you. Bidwell, isn't it?

Yes, sir. What did you want to know?

Well, anything. Where are you from?

What's your family like?

Name's Bidwell, sir.

Yes, I know that.

All right. Well. Anyone else?

Sir, Higgins has a story.

Oh, yes. You're going to love this one.

Well, all right, Higgins. The floor is yours.

This particular event happened last

summer on my uncle's farm in Virginia.

My brother and I

had just finished cutting a field of hay...

and were enjoying the evening meal

under the shade of an elm tree.

He went down for water by the creek,

and while he was gone...

I took a bowl that was filled

with delicious plum pudding...

and placed into it, not one...

but two large pieces of sheep sh*t.

When he returned, I encouraged him

to taste the plum pudding.

And as sure as Im standing

before you today, he did.

He ate it all. Sh*t pudding.

He ate sh*t pudding.

- You got your brother to eat sheep dung.

- Yes.

Yes, that's a very amusing story.

Tell him the ending. That's the best part.

And to be completely honest, sir,

I have no brother.

It was me! I ate sheep sh*t. I swear I did!

Yes, clever twist on the end there.

I think we've become well enough

acquainted for one evening.

Fun, fun.

He hasn't got a brother.

Higgins, when I said your music would be

a welcome companion, I didn't mean...

Don't you know any other goddamn tune?

- No, sir.

- Of course you do, lad.

Play them that haunting air

you played me this morning.

Quiet.

- What is it?

- Indians.

These are the lowas.

Fontenot, please greet this man

in his native tongue.

Why do I laugh?

You see, of the hundreds of language

that I speak fluent...

this is not one of them.

Bad luck.

They do trade with whites.

He probably speaks English.

Good day. I bring you wishes for peace

from Thomas Jefferson...

the Great Chief of the Whites.

You've insulted him.

You forgot to introduce yourself.

Lm Bartholomew Hunt...

and this here is Leslie Edwards.

Your turn.

I was told you speak English. Is this so?

- We seem to be making some progress.

- Let me try something.

We wish to try...

Forget this.

We come in peace

on behalf of President Jefferson.

- You...

- Hunt.

- I am Chief Two Roads.

- Lf you're the Chief, then who is that?

His name is Bent Twig.

He's not right in the head.

Lve got it. Now what do I do with it?

- Put it on.

- All right.

Good news.

Looks like they're gonna let us live.

Let us live?

I had to give them

a few of your finer things, of course...

so they wouldn't kill us.

- They seemed so friendly.

- That's the way of the savage.

Pretend to be your friend, share a drink,

listen to your problems.

Next thing you know, they're scooping

your brains out with a spoon.

You mean a fork.

That would depend on the tribe.

Mr. Hunt,

the lowas would never have killed us.

I know that.

Lm just not carrying that junk with us

the whole trip.

Help me! You keep away!

What the hell's going on?

Bidwell, take it easy.

What's happening here?

Sir, that French animal bit my ear off.

That's an absurd exaggeration.

My apologies, Bidwell.

He look in our tent.

He look at my woman. He saw her breast.

Her breast? You saw her breast?

Lll say it before, and I said it again:

Any man who look on her will die.

Look at me.

Lm going to make an experiment.

Hello. Bidwell?

Can you hear me?

I can hear you, Pratt.

It works.

Well, of course it works.

He's standing right...

Let's get some sleep.

Good night, Bidwell.

The race to the Pacific continues.

Although still bent on

beating Lewis and Clark...

I am cataloging new varieties

of flora and fauna.

I seem to be the only man

with an interest in science...

aside from Pratt and his dubious

experiment with Bidwell's ear.

I shall name this flower Amanda's bloom.

Mr. Hunt, as my partner, you should be

naming some of our discoveries as well.

- Me?

- Yes.

You could name that fork in the river,

for instance.

Perhaps there's a loved one

you'd care to immortalize?

Loved one?

Yeah. Sure.

I know.

I name this here fork Pittsburgh Nellie.

A Welsh whore who could do things

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