Almost Heroes Page #3

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with her one good arm...

that would make you forget

that thing on her neck.

By permitting Mr. Hunt

to name some of our discoveries...

I have unleashed his imagination.

He now insists that I teach him to read.

His enthusiasm reminds me

of the schoolboy I once was.

- Are you ready?

- Yes.

Excellent.

This is the uppercase...

"A."

You know, I spent a day in school once...

but the schoolmarm claimed

that I just couldn't concentrate.

Well, let's prove her wrong, shall we?

You know, Ive waited years

to hear somebody say that.

Again.

Hunt.

This is the uppercase "A."

The uppercase "A."

I got that.

All right.

And this is the lowercase...

"a. "

The...

lowercase...

"a. "

Oh, God.

Got it. Okay.

- And this is the...

- Enough!

Do you want my head to explode?

In the name of all

that is good and decent...

no more for today!

In exchange for reading lessons,

Mr. Hunt reciprocates...

by teaching me some of his frontier skills.

The buffalo is near now.

You can tell that

just by sniffing its droppings?

No. I can see the herd right over there.

Then why are you...

No, I shouldn't.

I couldn't possibly...

Edwards!

You're not doing any naming up here

without me, partner?

No.

- What are you looking at?

- The moon. I was looking at the moon.

For me, the moon brings to mind romance.

Yeah.

Have you ever been in love, Mr. Hunt?

Lve had my head under a petticoat or two.

Good Lord.

Must you and the others

reduce everything to its crudest terms?

I thought I cleaned it up rather nicely

for you.

Mr. Hunt, behold the object of my desire.

Behold an angel sent down from on high.

"Angel from on high. "

Oh, my God.

From here on out,

you keep your distance, all right?

What? No.

No.

Get out of the way, you big French oaf!

Behind Fontenot.

Now do you see?

Yeah, now I see.

All right, that's enough.

I said all right, Mr. Hunt.

That will be enough.

I understand.

You want to watch her by yourself.

You want to be alone

so you can shake hands with Ben Franklin.

You know, polish the pewter.

Polish the pewter?

Jonah does that for me.

Yeah, right.

What? No.

Mr. Hunt, I assure you Ive never...

July 10.

Lve driven the men hard...

and Im positive we've closed the gap

on Lewis and Clark.

However, because of the currents,

I surmised that we'd be better off...

portaging for the next several miles.

Its hard work, but it's nothing

compared to the deadly currents...

we'd be battling on the mighty Missouri.

Here we go!

Everybody, wake up.

Oh, my God.

Whatever you do, don't move.

If he sees you move, you're dead.

- My nose itches.

- Don't scratch it.

- Feels like there's a bug up in there.

- Wait.

I think it's leaving.

- Im gonna scratch it.

- You scratch your nose, you're dead.

I don't know what's worse,

the bear or my itchy nose.

No. Don't.

The bear is worse.

The bear is definitely worse!

That poor, poor man.

Bidwell, can you hear me?

I fear the bear has killed Mr. Bidwell, sir.

He's failed to communicate with me

by way of his ear.

It doesn't work that way.

It doesn't work any way.

But even if it did,

he couldn't talk through it.

Never mind.

Help me.

- Bidwell!

- Sir.

Sir, Ive been to hell and back.

Yes, I can see that.

I suspect that now you'll want

to lead a hunting party...

to slay that terrible beast.

Yes, that thought

did cross my mind briefly.

- But now I have a better idea.

- Yes, sir?

I shall fashion for you

the finest wooden leg you've ever seen.

But what about the bear?

Rest assured, Bidwell.

In 20 years or so, the ravages of old age...

will deal with the bear far more cruelly

than we ever could have.

Revenge is sweet, sir.

July 29.

We reach the final settlement

before entering uncharted territory...

and God only knows what.

- There. It seems as if we've arrived.

- Wait. I can read it.

For the love of God, man!

It says, "Welcome to Snakes Bend. "

Oh, God, yeah.

Onward, men.

Snakes Bend. Almost had it.

I got it.

Yes, it's a tavern.

I think it would be a nice gesture

if I bought the men a few tankards of ale.

A nice gesture indeed.

We both know how you get

when you drink.

Oh, yes, we do.

And that's why I think you should go

to the trading post for supplies now.

All right, men. Fun, fun.

- To Capt. Edwards.

- Capt. Edwards.

Excuse me. I had heard

there was a party of brave men here.

Lm here to tell you...

that Im not unfamiliar with the ways of

men who've been long in the wilderness.

I understand their cravings

for food and drink...

and also their cravings

for the companionship of young women.

- Women. He's got women!

- Where are they?

Wait for me outside.

I will take you to them.

Come on.

Gentlemen?

My woman pleasure me whenever I want.

Yes, I shall refrain, as well.

I made a solemn promise to someone.

Really?

Yes, I promised my doctor I wouldn't...

engage in that sort of thing.

- Got a drippy dong?

- No.

No more than normal.

It drips when it should...

and it doesn't when it shouldn't.

Will that be it?

Let's see. Beans, rope.

Is there a barber in town?

- Lm a barber, sir.

- Fine.

Lll have a haircut and a shave.

By the way...

you smell like something

that's been passed...

through the system of a sick old woman.

Well, maybe Ill have a bath, too, then.

Good idea.

This way, gentlemen. Don't be shy.

Come in and meet the ladies.

Did I not tell you they were beautiful?

Don't you have any real women?

These women may be whores,

but they have their dignity.

Now, who would like to be

the first to introduce himself?

Hello, my dear.

My name is Hieronymus Pratt.

Might you have relatives

in Richmond, Virginia?

Some of them flies were there

before I got in.

- I just saw Hidalgo.

- Hidalgo? With all his men?

No, just half a dozen.

But they're headed this way!

Double my wages

for anyone who will take my shift.

I have heard of this Hidalgo.

A Spaniard who wander the Northwest.

Even crazy people think he's...

Did you say something?

No, I...

You said something about my hair.

- No.

- Why not?

You don't like my hair?

- Yes, it's nice.

- "Nice"?

My hair is magnificent.

Its long and soft...

and shines with the light

that comes from within. Can't you see it?

- Yes, it's beautiful.

- Beautiful, yes.

That's all I have to say.

Sorry if I frightened you.

Good God!

Good.

- You do good work.

- Thank you, sir.

I strive for excellence

in all my various trades.

Tell me, among those trades,

you wouldn't happen to practice...

Taxidermy?

No, I was going to say dentistry.

Lm primarily a taxidermist.

However, I have practiced dentistry

on the animals Ive preserved.

And of course, over there.

Good.

'Cause I have got a molar

that's been bothering me since St. Louis.

I can oblige, sir.

He said, "I know.

It wasn't a horse, it was a donkey. "

Her hair is perfect.

Its beautiful.

Is this your woman?

She belong to me.

- And who are you?

- Guy Fontenot.

You may call me Hidalgo.

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