Almost Heroes Page #4

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Hidalgo.

I wander the Northwest Territory

searching for a fabulous place.

A place where the earth trembles

and speaks...

and a white cross marks the location

of an age-old secret.

And what is the secret?

You try to trick me

with your deceiving questions.

But you will learn nothing,

not unless you join us.

Come on. You are perfect.

If you join us...

everything that belongs to you

belongs to me, too.

And if I don't?

Then we tear out your heart,

cut off your limbs and skin you alive.

- Lll join.

- Good. Lm delighted.

- Now this should dull your senses.

- All right.

What are you doing?

What, are you trying to kill me?

Put it down.

Put the thing down and pull my tooth.

God Almighty.

All right. Say "ah. "

- In the back.

- All right.

That guy's in there.

- Come on, let's go.

- Don't take her.

Take me instead.

Put your hands on your hips.

No. Like this.

And here Ive avoided the dentist for years

because I thought it'd hurt.

Look at that.

No. I think Ill still keep the woman.

Come on, let's go.

You can't take a woman against her will.

Of course, maybe it's time for her

to spread her wings and fly.

Well, well.

What have we got here?

Hey, sonny boy.

Your mother wants her roasting pan back

when you're done playing with it.

I challenge you and the rest

of your ladies in armor to a duel.

- All of us?

- Every poofy prancing one of you.

We are more than equal to a duel, senor.

Especially since you won't live

past the first contest.

What weapons do you choose?

Pistols, swords, or bare fists?

Drink.

Drink?

Time's up.

Sorry.

I swear that's never happened

to me before.

Well done, Mr. Hunt.

Lm deeply impressed and grateful.

Maybe now you'll agree...

drinking has its benefits.

You saved my life.

Maybe now you'll agree...

drinking has its benefits.

You just said that.

Now, if you don't mind...

it's time for the liquor to take effect.

Fire!

My furniture. My draperies. My women!

Pratt's still in there!

Its all my fault, Captain.

She said she didn't mind if I smoked.

I believed her.

Let's retrieve Hunt from the tavern

and get back to the boat.

I think we've seen all

that Snakes Bend has to offer.

My heart.

Permission to check

on the condition of my woman, sir.

I want to check on her bandages

and see if she can keep some food down.

You realize, of course,

this woman of yours...

is made of straw?

Yes, sir.

I figure that's why she burned so easy.

Damn.

Who is it?

Good evening. I was just collecting

samples of bark for President Jefferson.

Some bark. I was collecting it.

Samples of bark.

You're not like these other men.

You're softer, more delicate.

In a rather rough way, right?

Not at all. Look at you.

Thin wrists...

skin like a baby...

almost a total absence of shoulders.

All right,

I think you've flattered me quite enough.

Look at me.

Lm behaving like some kind of animal.

I liked it.

No, no. This can never be.

Lm betrothed to another.

Besides, we come from different worlds.

You are primitive,

and you follow your baser instincts...

and I come from a culture

that values Christian morality.

Maybe one more couldn't hurt.

What? What did I say?

Shaquinna.

I don't see how it's possible...

for the river to flow up and over

those mountains to the western sea.

The river can't flow up and over anything.

So, I guess our journey's over.

No, never. We're pushing on.

We'll scale the Rocky Mountains

within the month...

and then build canoes...

and float down the western slope

before the first frost.

October 29.

What I had hoped was an early dusting

turned out to be somewhat more.

Our journey is half finished,

but our food supply is nearly depleted.

The only man

who seems to be thriving is Pratt...

who is eating what remains

of his straw woman.

As for me, I seem to have come down

with a slight chill.

What?

- What do you think you're doing?

- Last rites.

No, there will be none of that.

Please do not try to bury me

before I am dead.

Go away.

Mama.

I can make medicine that will cure him.

But I will need the egg of an eagle,

or he will die.

The egg of an eagle.

- That's all?

- That is all.

You know...

the last creatures we saw

were way down below the snowline.

You're a very brave man

to do this for your friend.

Ain't nothing more than me doing my job.

Better be going.

Oh, God!

We need the egg of an eagle,

or he will die.

He will die.

Oh, dear God.

President Jefferson, I implore you.

If we do not give bears the right to vote

they will rise up...

and bears will be in Congress.

And we will be the ones performing

in carnivals wearing little hats.

President Jefferson, a few months ago

I saw a naked Indian woman.

When I saw the naked Indian woman,

I had certain impure thoughts.

Something in me has changed

out here in the wilds.

You must rest.

I saw a naked Indian woman.

No!

Okay.

Where are you?

Protect your little birdies.

Okay.

Come on, you damn bird!

Come and get me!

I got it.

You broke it.

All I needed was the shell. Thank you.

The medicine is working.

Can I lick the bowl?

- Shaquinna.

- Yes.

Your fever has broken.

Thank you for standing by me.

The person you should really thank

is Mr. Hunt.

He risked his life

to bring back an eagle egg.

I could've just brought back the shell,

but nobody bothered to tell me that.

Thank you, Mr. Hunt.

Now we'll build canoes

and be on to the Pacific by the first thaw.

I cannot begin to express my...

feelings.

Don't be talking about no feelings.

I don't want to have to punch you.

- Well, just the same...

- Im serious.

Good God.

- What rare luck is this?

- What?

Lewis and Clark,

and the damn fools are portaging.

They're portaging because they think

the river is too dangerous up ahead.

- I think we should do the same.

- I see no reason for concern.

Sir, there's an old saying,

"White water in the morning. "

- Yes?

- That's it.

Mr. Hunt, this is our chance

to overtake Lewis and Clark.

Sure, we may overtake them...

but it ain't worth

risking the lives of the men.

I assure you all will be fine.

I hope to God you're right.

Don't worry, men.

According to my calculations, we have

less than a hundred yards of rapids ahead.

My hat's off to you, sir. We made it.

Men, we have overtaken Lewis and Clark.

Gather up the pieces of the boat...

- and what's left of our supplies.

- No.

I beg your pardon?

You almost got us killed

just so you could be famous.

Well, I ain't taking no more.

Lm quitting this expedition.

- What of our partnership?

- Partnership?

You didn't care nothing about

our partnership back there on the river.

Well, I don't care nothing about it now.

Who's coming with me?

To hell with both of you.

Lve spent my entire life

trying to see the Pacific...

and Im going by myself.

Who's going with me?

Jonah, where do your loyalties lie?

Lm your slave. Who do you think Im with?

- Thank you, Jonah.

- Lm going with Mr. Hunt.

We're close. Only a few hundred miles.

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