Almost Heroes Page #5

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We will be the first.

Trust me, the worst is over.

The worst will never be over.

Not with this precious dandy in charge.

If you want to live, come with me.

Use your minds, men.

Think for yourselves.

Or would you rather have Mr. Hunt

do your thinking for you?

My heavenly Father

does my thinking for me...

and he thinks I'd be a damn fool

not to go with Hunt.

No, Father. Wait.

It is better to think for yourself.

And I think

we should continue to the Pacific.

Stout fellow, Bidwell.

How can you say that, man?

You've had it worse than all of us.

Been mauled by a bear,

your ear bit off by a Frenchman.

True enough, sir.

I have had my share of bad luck.

But I cannot abandon Mr. Edwards now.

For he alone has dared to dream...

and now we are so very close...

that I believe him when he says

the worst is over.

When I said the worst was over,

perhaps I spoke too soon.

But now, surely...

Bidwell, get down!

Lm sorry, I was aiming for your head!

You wait there!

We'll be down in a moment

to capture you!

I want them in their underthings

when they die.

That makes it much worse,

don't you think?

Prepare the gauntlet.

- What?

- The gauntlet.

Lve decided these two men will die

running the gauntlet.

- The...

- The gauntlet!

All right. Calm yourself.

You don't think I know

where there's a gambit?

- Gumblit?

- Sanchez.

Gauntlet.

You and the Frenchman

prepare the gauntlet.

Lm sorry we must cut short our fun,

my little kitten.

If you so much as lay a hand on me,

I will kill you.

Take her away.

Punch him.

This is what it's all about.

Burn your feet, you cowards.

Wait.

Look at the poofy one.

Whose idea was the corn?

And now they're getting away.

Hector, Ferdinand, after them!

Go after them.

Over there.

Hurry, they're almost here.

- Oh, God.

- Come on.

- Come on.

- Forget about me.

- You can do it.

- Save yourself.

Lll never forget this, Bartholomew.

And now we kill you, senor,

and take your head back to Hidalgo.

But we do have one tiny favor

to ask of you.

Yes. You see, so often,

when we bring a head back to Hidalgo...

it has a grim sort of look of terror on it.

It would really put us in good with Hidalgo

if you could smile as we kill you.

Go to hell.

No. Did you see how ugly your face was

when you said that?

- Say "puppy. "

- Yes. Say "puppy. "

You see, one cannot help but smile

when they say the word puppy.

Say "puppy. "

Die, you Spanish bastards!

Puppy, you sons of b*tches.

You know,

what you did back there for me...

was real nice of you.

- Its fine. Don't...

- You don't understand.

Its just that no one's ever done

nothing like that for me before.

And...

Thank you, that's all.

Just thank you.

Especially someone like you...

who could've got himself killed so easy.

I think he's asleep.

I think he's dead.

Lm sorry I scared you.

I was just resting my eyes.

We need help.

I will help. I am a proud warrior.

- Wait, at least let us explain the situation.

- There's no time for that.

Look, our men are being held captive

by at least 20 conquistadors.

Are there others in your tribe

that can help us?

Perhaps men a bit younger than yourself?

Yes.

I am going to cut this woman's hair off.

Anybody want to guess why?

- To entertain us?

- No.

- Because she asked you to?

- No.

I know!

Because her hair is more beautiful

than yours, and you're jealous.

No.

I am going to cut her hair off

because it's not as beautiful as mine.

Because, even if she won't admit it,

she's thinking:

"Why should I even bother to have hair

when he's got hair like that. "

- You understand?

- No, not really.

I don't get it.

Who cares?

Lm going to skin you all alive anyway.

- Prepare her.

- Prepare her.

You indicated that the braves you had

summoned were younger than you?

They are.

Running Puma is two years younger.

Strong Like Mountain is...

- Four.

- Four years younger.

We appreciate you showing up and all,

but...

we're going to probably just do this alone.

At the moment of battle...

our spirits will soar

and give us the strength...

to fight.

This is the way we must travel.

This way,

we save our strength for the battle.

- Stop.

- What now?

Running Puma has to go back

behind tree again.

Lm sorry.

All right, look. This is the last time.

Anyone else has to go, do it now.

I ain't stopping again.

I don't see

how these Indians are going to help us.

Perhaps we need not rely on them to fight.

Perhaps I can bluff Hidalgo using my wits.

This is getting much too difficult.

We can finish brushing her hair

after she's dead.

Stop right there, senor.

This has gone too far.

You must release Shaquinna.

Such arrogance!

You are surrounded by an army of

Indian braves, who, on my command...

will descend upon you with all the fury

of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.

Hell, we got more than four.

And they got names like Soaring Eagle,

Strong Like Mountain...

and others, too.

Well, where are these braves?

Show them to me.

Show them to me, too.

I am one of these braves.

And I am one of these braves.

I am one of these braves.

That's quite an army!

Why should we fight?

Maybe if we wait a couple of hours

they'll die of old age.

And you thought I couldn't escape you?

You...

Here's an idea.

You take off running into the woods...

and I try to count to three

before I put another hole...

in your hairy French ass!

"Hairy French ass. " You had me going.

"And Ill put a big hole

in your hairy French ass. " Man, you...

Hey, senor! Look what I have.

Your woman!

- Lll take care of this.

- No.

You've done enough, Bartholomew!

- Leslie!

- Come on!

Its time for me to fight my own battles.

Hidalgo is mine.

Sir, you are a coward.

You seized a woman and ran.

And now Im going to teach you a lesson.

Either you're brave or you're stupid.

Perhaps there's not much difference

between the two.

You're a smart man.

After I kill you, Ill have to look

at your brain to see if it's different...

from, you know,

other brains I might have seen.

Good God!

Hello, baldy!

You shut up!

Now you've seen me as I truly am, senor.

Lm just a bald, fat man...

begging for your mercy.

Edwards, we've just seen Lewis and Clark.

They're a mile away,

and they're headed for the ocean.

My God! Well, come on, then.

We can still beat them!

Hey, senor!

This business with my wig,

it's just between you and me.

Oh, my God!

We did it.

Not yet, we haven't.

They're going to get to the ocean

before us.

The only way to beat them

is straight down that rock face.

Well, then, as leader of this expedition...

I should be the one that climbs down.

Leslie.

You ain't going down there.

You'll be killed. I should go.

Nonsense.

Then this is for your own damn good.

How was that for my own damn good?

Sorry. The punch was supposed

to knock you out.

Let's see here. This here ought to do it.

What the hell are you doing? Go!

He's going to go.

Pratt.

Give me the flag.

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