Along Came Polly Page #4

What's the buzz

Tell me what's a-happenin'

Why should you want to know

Don't you mind about the future

Don't you try to think ahead

Uh, Sandy?

Save tomorrow for tomorrow

Think about today instead

Sandy!

What?

l'm playing Jesus.

That's my song.

I know it's your song, but I felt something,

and I decided to go with it.

But you're playing Judas.

Judas. All right, look. Here's the deal.

l'm the star of the show, okay?

So if I decide to bust out a solo,

do me a favor and give me

the freedom to rock out.

From the top, okay, Wonsuk?

So the play's going well?

Yeah, I think it's gonna be fun.

I mean, I just wish they wouldn't

surround me with a bunch of amateurs.

Uh-huh. lsn't that like

the point of community theater?

Whatever, Reuben.

So l'm going on a date with Polly.

All right! Where are you taking her?

I don't know.

Some restaurant in the East Village.

She left the address on my machine.

How could you let Polly

pick the restaurant?

Well, I had no choice.

She called me, like, seven times...

to confirm and then cancel

and then confirm again.

Why? What's wrong with

letting her pick the place?

You've got irritable

bowel syndrome, dude.

lf she chose an ethnic restaurant,

you're gonna be running to

the bathroom every five seconds.

Oh, my God. You're right.

Thank you.

You know, I doubt it'll get this far,

but if she turns out to be

easier than I thought,

there's something

you need to know.

l'm not a virgin, Sandy.

No, not technically,

but times have changed

since you were last single.

Now, listen, when l'm making out

with a girl for the first time,

I like to give her

a little spankin'.

What?

Nothing violent.

You just tap her real light

right on the tushy and say,

'Hey, l'm your daddy.

l'm your daddy.'

Listen to me.

What are you doing?

l'm blotting the grease.

That's the best part. Let me see that.

Listen, don't be shy.

- lt's just a little tap. lt's like saying,

'Boop, l'm your daddy.'

- l'm not gonna tap her.

Brings 'em right back to childhood.

Trust me, they're putty in your hands

after that.

I gotta tell you,

l'm really excited about this. Really.

I feel like this could be

one of those...

defining moments of my life

or something, you know?

[Laughs]

Yeah, I actually think

it's not gonna work out,

but l'm pulling for you, Reub.

Just pray to God

she doesn't go ethnic.

The place didn't sound ethnic.

What was the name?

Al Hafez.

[Middle Eastern]

So when did you live in Morocco?

ln the late '90s. I bounced around

to a bunch of different places

over the past few years.

Oh, yeah? Like where?

Oh, God, where?

Let's see, Austin, lstanbul,

Sri Lanka, Portland,

Costa Rica, Buffalo,

a couple other places.

Wow. Were you in the Peace Corps?

No, I just like to move a lot.

I kinda get stir-crazy if l'm stuck

in one place for too long,

you know what I mean?

- Oh, yeah, completely.

- [Both Laughing]

No, remember?

You were the person who broke--

Oh, my God!

I can't believe

you remember that.

Oh, of course.

You were like the greatest delegate

in Model U.N. history.

I guess I did manage

to pass a few resolutions.

[Laughs]

Are you okay? 'Cause you're

sweating pretty profusely.

Yeah, no, l'm fine.

I always react this way to spicy food.

Okay.

Yeah, but I love it.

I can't believe you're not married.

I mean, even when we were kids,

I always saw you as that guy that would

settle down at a young age,you know?

You were always kinda like

an old young guy.

Yeah, well, it just hasn't happened.

[Stomach Growling]

But, uh, what about you?

You ever gotten close or--

To the whole marriage thing?

Oh, God, no. No way.

No,yeah, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no.

l'm not really big on the whole, um,

long-term commitment thing.

Mm-hmm. Why? Are you coming out

of a bad relationship or--

No, l'm kinda coming out of like

eight bad relationships.

- Eight?

- You sure I can't get you

a towel or something?

No, no. l'm good.

But if the right person came along,

things might be different, right?

Oh, yeah.

You're probably right.

[Stomach Growling]

Sorry. Um--

- Hey, you mind if I go to the men's room?

- Please.

Sure. Oh, gosh!

[Man]

Occupied. l'm gonna

be here all night, dude.

All right, well, this is me.

Great.

Why don't you come upstairs and,

uh, l'll make you some coffee or tea.

Okay, great.

I just gotta find my keys here.

Oh, shoot.

- [Stomach Growling]

- They're right there, I hear 'em.

[Growling Continues]

Oh, yeah. Okay.

Oh, wow. This is great.

lt's so cozy.

Thanks.

Did you just move in or--

No. l've been here

about four months.

Uh-huh.

- [Yelps]

Rat! Rat in the house!

- Oh, no, no.

This is Rodolfo.

He's a ferret.

I got him in Sicily

at a flea market years ago.

He's old.

He can't really see anymore.

Cute. Hey, you mind

if I use your bathroom?

Oh, sure,yeah. Oh, actually,

that's not the bathroom.

- My bathroom's right here.

- Oh. Okay.

Yeah, 'cause I just, uh,

had a lot to drink, a lot of water.

l'll just be a second.

Okay, take your time.

[Door Closes]

Ohh! I don't believe this.

[Small Fart]

[Squeaks]

- Go away. Go away.

- [Squeaks]

Go! Go! Shoo! Poo!

- [Farting Continues]

- Oh, God.

[Squeaky Fart]

Ohh!

[Big Fart]

[Shower Running]

Oh, no.

[Shower Running]

[Toilet Flushes]

Oh, God, I beg you, please.

lf you make this water go down,

I will sit at your feet,

and I will serve you for all of eternity.

l'll adopt a Somalian kid,

or l'll work in Calcutta, or l'll--

Please,just make the water--

- No! No!

- [Squeaking]

Oh, my God!

[Yelps]

This was fun.

Yes.

Hmm.

lf l'd known your grandmother

had embroidered that towel,

I would've never--

Oh, really, you know what,

that's okay.

Okay, well--

Good night, Polly.

Good night, Reuben.

Good night.

Oh, okay.

All right, okay.

Oh. All right.

That's nice. Okay, so--

[Sandy]

Dude, why would you make

number two in her apartment?

She asked me to come upstairs.

I mean, what should I have done?

[Woman Singing]

Tell her you're tired

and shag ass out of there.

Guys.

I called her to apologize.

What was that?

I called her to apologize.

But it doesn't really matter

'cause I doubt she'll ever

want to see me again.

You know what?

I gotta call you back.

Cool.

[Elevator Dings]

Mr. Van Lew?

Feffer?

Yes. Hi.

Reuben Feffer.

I recognized you

from the Forbes cover.

You're way early, sport.

Come on, then. Get in.

ls this the service elevator?

Yeah. I don't think we'll have a problem

with this insurance business.

Sure, I take chances, but, hey,

you can't build a successful business

without the occasional risk.

Oh, of course. What l'm trying to

determine are the kinds of risks

you actually do take.

I only take the calculated ones.

Trust me, I plan on being round

for ages yet.

Well, I know we'd really love

to give you a policy

if we can make it work.

We'll make it work, sport.

Great.

So, uh, what are we doing on the roof?

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