Along the Roadside

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1

This guy on the radio went

prattling on about

some second-hand

Freudian sh*t about how

adultery is the last

rebellious act left

to people in these

structured modern times.

You've got to get up, get out

and do something, man.

Yeah, I told him

I get these migraines.

Man, it's like a

phone in my head that

keeps ringing. You know?

Just ringing.

It's stress.

Ringing, ringing.

It builds up, man.

And nobody even answers.

Did you feel an

earthquake last night?

Nah.

Nada.

No I ain't feel nothing.

Well, the TV

said there was a 4.4,

and it hit at exactly 4:04 a.m.

That's creepy.

How did you not

feel anything though?

I don't know.

How did you feel it?

Man, your bed shakes.

N*gger, my bed

shakes every night.

Get the f*** out of here man.

Gangster!

Man, what you know

about that man?

Man I'm hitting switches on

b*tches like I was

fixed with hydraulics

up and down like

a roller coaster.

Oh Tupac, huh?

You old hologram man singing.

Oh man, sh*t.

Now tell me again about

these little sex toys

you designed, man.

I didn't design

no sex toys, man.

Oh come on, man.

You know the toys,

the little dildo sh*t.

No, no, no, no.

I said there was

interest from a sex toy

manufacturer in an

ad that I designed.

It was just an ad, that's all,

but it could have been

for anything really.

Oh, what'd you call it?

Space Invader.

Yeah, new sci-fi movie.

Hey little cute ass Shelby girl

looking over here, man.

I'm going to take 10.

Man this n*gger a b*tch.

Hey, what's up?

Hey.

How's it going?

Is that Douglas?

So, what's the deal?

Nothing I

just wanted to see you.

Well, I'll be home in a

couple of hours.

Baby -

What?

How much?

Enough, all right?

Baby -

Yes, baby?

Could you imagine your

life without me?

That's a loaded question.

Baby -

Yes sweetie?

I'm pregnant.

F***.

You have insurance?

What?

Maybe I should get you

a hotel room.

Why?

You know to thin the blood,

champagne and hot tub.

It's a poor woman's miscarriage.

Look, it's just not

the right time. Okay?

Look at me.

Look at me.

I love you. Okay?

Okay?

The important thing is

that when it happens,

however it happens, it's

got to be the right time.

You've got to be ready.

I mean things have

to fall into place.

I mean come on, we

had an understsanding

about this.

I know.

We cool?

Yeah, we're cool.

You all right?

Yeah.

F***, I've got to run back.

So I'll see you tonight?

The postwar

generation found solace

in the austere arms

of existentialism.

It is the choice that

gives value to the act.

Seemed to be a grand

idea at the time.

For as Dostoevsky brilliantly

put it,.

Now Jean-Paul Sartre

on the other hand,

declared that a person

cannot define himself

by disappointed dreams,

miscarried hopes

or vain expectations.

So when this

disillusioned commie who

saw human nature in

all its shades of gray

was asked, "Who is

the hero of our time?"

His answer was simple, "It

is the man on the run."

Sweetie.

Hm?

You awake?

Baby -

What?

I want it.

How bad do you want it?

I want... it.

Ah, no Sierrah come on.

We've already been through this.

Why not? Why

not give it a try?

Why not go through with it?

Go through with it?

Yeah.

You say it

like it's a good thing.

I mean come on Varnie.

It's not like you're

getting any younger.

I think it's time to start -

Time for what?

Time for me to give up on myself

and bury my f***ing dreams?

No.

I'm just saying.

No, that's what

you're saying though.

It's like, "This guy ain't

getting anywhere with his sh*t.

He needs to strap up,

put on a tie and get

a real job." Right?

That's bullshit, Varnie.

I've always supported you.

Don't make this about -

I'm not on your clock.

I understand that.

I'm not on

your f***ing timeline.

I know you're not -

Do you understand me?

My timeline.

Do you understand me?

Varnie! Come on!

What if

it's a C-section?

You're the one who's

going to have to wear

a f***ing tie for

the rest of your life

every time you go to the beach.

Well, it's my body and I'll

do what I want to do with it.

Yeah, well tell the doctor not

to put an extra stitch

for daddy because

this motherf***er is out.

Wait.

Wait, you're leaving?

You about to f***ing go?

N*ggers ain't sh*t.

Varnie.

Varnie!

What Sierrah?

What do you want from me?

I just want to talk about it.

What? To let

you bury me alive

because you're f***ing bored?

I'm not bored.

Well you think this f***ing baby

is going to fix anything?

I don't need

a baby to fix anything.

What? Do you think

it's going to give you

some sort of meaning?

It will give us a meaning.

There is no f***ing us.

Get that stupid f***ing

idea out of your head.

Oh God, I just want us

to have it.

I'm having it.

You stupid b*tch.

I'm having it.

You stupid b*tch.

I'm having it.

You stupid f***ing b*tch.

I'm having it!

You stupid f***ing b*tch!

I'm having it!

You stupid f***ing b*tch!

You're like a string-a-long,

like a f***ing

shitty-ass job.

It's your life Varnie.

I can't tell you what to do.

It's your decision, just

know that your child

will be out there rolling

just like one of your

product-less brands.

You can come by anytime you want

or if you want I

can give you a call.

F*** you!

Good morning.

Are you with the rugby team?

What?

Are you one of the players?

Uh, no. I

don't play rugby.

Why not?

I work at the post office.

Are you delivering?

Yes, I do but in Salzburg.

What?

That's in Austria.

So, what are you doing here?

I'm here for Blonde Priest.

What?

Blonde Priest.

Blonde Priest?

Yes.

Are you like religious?

I love them all.

So you have a delivery

for a blonde priest?

No, I'm here for their concert.

You're here for

Blonde Priest concert?

Yes.

Is that like a rock band?

Jawohl! F nf.

What?

Actually they're kind of folky,

Americana, Dylan-ish.

They were originally

called Sweat Breads,

but they changed it.

They played two days ago.

Yes, I'm aware

of this, but you see

my flight was

cancelled or suspended

actually because of

another volcano in Iceland.

I'm sure it's been all

over the news here.

You see all flights

were grounded because

of the smoke.

On top of that I had to

get a connection Chicago

and that plane got

hit by a truck right

before take off.

Your plane got hit by a truck?

Yes. A loading

truck with luggage.

Like what the f***?

One of the teamsters.

He was -

We all had to evacuate,

but anyways I was

hoping to replace these

tickets for the ones of

their next gig because

you know I missed

this one due to a

natural disaster,

and it states here

that I'm eligible

for an exchange or a refund,

but I don't want a refund.

You see, there's a

paragraph which states this.

So here and the original

plane ticket here.

I'm going to call my manager

and see what he can do.

He's a tough-ass puto.

, there's this

girl here who missed

the concert that was

here like two days ago

and she missed it because

like of the ice melting

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