Along the Roadside Page #2

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or some sh*t like the

ozone layers so now she

wants us to buy her a

ticket to like Australia.

Okay.

He'll be right here.

Thank you.

You see Terry,

in the poem Au Lecteur

that prefaces Le Fleurs

du Mal, Baudelaire

accuses his readers of

hypocrisy and of being

as guilty of sins and

lies as the poet himself.

And I quote, "If rape or

arson, poison or the knife

has woven a pleasing

patterns in the stuff

of the canvas we accept as life

it is because we are

not bold enough."

You're back?

Just to pick up some sh*t.

You look tired.

You look like a bus driver.

I've been stress eating a lot.

Right.

I get the wrong

e-mail and I kill

a jar of Nutella.

I started up a

Twitter for that thing.

I know. I've

got over 200 followers.

Most of them porn stars.

Your sh*t is in the garage

and your room is rented.

He was like,

"You got a nice accent

you can get away

with a lot of sh*t."

Because you know you

can be at the club

saying some foul stuff

to a woman and if

you're saying it to her

in a nice posh English

accent she'll still

think you're sexy.

Dad, I'm going to LA.

Moving actually.

I'll be staying with Cliff.

But what ain't

sexy is that Indian

sounding sh*t.

He was like, "No

woman wants some

guy on top of her going

oh I'm giving it to you.

Say my name, say Punjab."

Hey yo what's up n*gger?

What you got n*gger?

Hey yo! Hey

yo! MC Sh*t right here

check my sh*t out.

It's the hottest sh*t

on the streets for real.

What else you got n*gger?

Yo Cool Cat Clay.

Hey yo I'm

telling you sh*t's just

10 bucks.

I'm telling you it's the

hottest sh*t out here.

For real. You need that MC Sh*t.

Yo my lady, peep that out.

Cool Cat Clay.

Yo that's the wrong -

What else you got n*gger?

That's the wrong

sh*t I'm telling you.

This the hottest

sh*t right here.

MC Sh*t.

What else you got n*gger?

You need this in your life.

First name

band, club name laser.

Yeah, it's just

like that guy on the streets

will tell us, man.

There's only two

ways out of the rain,

one shoulders or on a

stretcher, but right now -

F***! I've got to go cop.

Yo! Yo! Yo! Yo! I'm here man.

If don't

report every five minutes

to a dispatcher police

patrol will come

and check on -

Look, I was

just on the phone man.

It must have just

expired a second ago.

It starts

blinking two minutes after it -

So what? Is that it?

- I

- Already have your -

Man, f*** you then.

F*** out the way!

F***!

Everything all right?

Sir, I'm going to have to ask

you to step aside and -

Nobody talking

to your b*tch ass, man.

I'm making sure she's all right.

I'm going

to ask you one more -

No, no, no, no.

There's no need.

It was my fault.

You see I'm daltonic.

I'm color blind.

I've developed a fear of

a completed sentence

ever since -

Yeah, I was

confused with the -

I was wondering how to

get to the train station.

I can take you there.

I'm heading that way, so -

Great! Great

yeah that's super.

You know you might be better off

if a police officer gave

you a ride ever since

you can't see -

We're cool. Thank you.

I win.

Thank you, really.

Bye.

Is he following me?

You know I did feel the tension

between the two of you.

Tension?

He thought I was a thug.

They are probably

trained to think that way.

He voted McCain and supports

that Florida pastor that wants

to burn the Koran.

It's nice, Oakland.

Are you f***ing kidding me?

No. It's urban

decay and piercing

smell of urine, give

it so much character.

Yeah well in

English we say hood.

Hood.

No, no, no. Hood.

Hood. Hood. Hood.

No forget it. Forget it.

So where you from?

I'm from Berlin,

Germany, but I live

in Austria.

Austria?

Yes, near

Salzburg, a little town

called famous for making

Mozartkugel.

Huh?

Mozart balls.

You want to try one?

What are you talking about?

It's a ball of

green pistachio marzipan

covered in a layer

of nougat and dunked

in chocolate, made by

hand and because Salzburg

was Mozart's birth

town we put his

face on everything, even pills

for restless leg syndrome.

What?

Mozartkugel.

No, it's okay.

Go on, try one. It's good.

Hm. That's

some good sh*t.

Yeah. It's good, huh?

Yeah, das is good sh*t.

Yeah!

You know? Movies?

So what are

you doing here anyway?

Well, I was

supposed to be here two

days ago to attend a

Blonde Priest concert,

but I was stuck in Austria

because of the volcano.

No flights were allowed so

now I exchange the tickets.

I have two tickets and

I have to make it to

San Bernadino by tomorrow night.

That's when they perform.

So now I'm trying to

figure out how to get

there to see them play.

Do you know Blonde Priest?

Nope.

I've never heard

them perform live.

But you don't know

how many times

I've played it out in my head.

Oh yeah?

It's going to be super.

Well I can drop you off in LA.

I mean I'm heading that way.

Yeah? would you?

Yeah, sure.

Thank you.

From there you can probably

catch a bus.

Yes or a train.

As long as you don't mind

sitting next to a guy

with an aluminum walker.

Thank you. Really.

No, it's fine.

I just want to piss

off this cop and

his little a**hole vehicle.

Thank you.

Stop saying

thank you. Please.

Gratitude is a milder

form of revenge.

Say what's your name?

Yo!

I'm sorry.

What's your name?

Oh, Nena. Like the band.

What band?

Nena, you know?

The first German new wave.

99 Luftballons

Auf ihrem Weg zum Horizont

Hielt man fr Ufos aus dem All

Darum schickte ein General

'ne Fliegerstaffel hinterher -

Okay. Calm down.

What's your name?

Varnie.

Varnie?

With a V.

How cool.

You know if I guessed

by your name I'd

say you are the coolest guy.

If I guessed by your name I'd

say you were big and dyke.

The first impression

goes a long way.

The first thing I told you was

to f*** off.

Yeah, this is true but the

way in which you

unloaded your frustration

was very respectable.

You looked me

straight in the eyes

and it's off your chest.

Very few people can do that.

The rest of them internalize

and grow a canker sore.

Interesting perspective.

Yeah. That's

what I'm saying.

The perspective, you know?

Most people are unable

to shift the perspective

and that ability to

shift the perspective is

the true power, you know?

We see someone who's

dying of cancer

and it's tragic and

sad, but we never step

back to celebrate the

triumph of the cancer

or at least give it credit.

I mean you know the

little f***er resisted

all the treatments

and survived the chemo

and it won't want

to back down and let

anything get in the

way of its mission.

You know?

It f***ing did what

it set out to do.

And that has its place.

I've got to download.

What?

I've got to take a sh*t.

Download?

Yeah, it's

those balls you gave me.

Ah Mozartkugel.

Yeah.

You've got to

download some Mozart.

Just stop talking.

Drop some cards.

Do you feel better?

We'll see.

I got you a

large Pepto-Bismol,

three diet 7-ups a

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