Alpha House

1

Dude, I can't believe that

this is actually happening Zach.

I know I know I keep feeling like

I'm going to wake up from a dream.

- You want me to pinch you?

- Yes.

Alright.

- You said pinch!

- I'm sorry. Do me.

Sh*t! This is actually happening.

You're right.

We need to chill out.

We can't look like dorks

on our first day out.

Okay.

Alright.

Oh my god.

Yeah Dickface!

It's beautiful man.

It's just beautiful.

Good evening gentlemen.

It's daytime.

Mr. President.

So it is.

You boys are ready

to be inducted.

Yes Mr. President.

See, as new Alpha's these boys

have to call me Mr. President

or else they get punched

in the dick.

Boys, this is Charity. This is Faith.

Girls this is Zach and uh...

- What is it? Christian?

- Cameron.

Boys, welcome to 24-hour

party machine man!

Someone get these boys a beer

and a hand job.

- You alright man?

- I'm just so happy.

I love this place.

Alright girls

put your shirts back on,

we're going downstairs

for the Induction ceremony.

Not you.

You're meet me in my room.

Yes Mr. President.

See fellas, that right there...

never gets old.

Alright fellas quit f***ing around

we got some cherries to pop

and some serious partying to do!

Oh sh*t, did you hear

what he just said.

Oh my god.

We're not even at

the serious partying yet.

It's even better then I imagined.

The average male graduate

makes $125,000 per year,

meanwhile the average

female graduate

make $41,500 per year.

- This is bullshit.

- Yes! It is bullshit Misty.

And why would these women

put up with such inequitable

excusable desperaties,

somehow the women or sterling

college get it in their heads

that being married to

one of these successful men

is just as good

as being successful themselves.

Which is a bunch of hoowie!

Yes?

Is the Astronaut single?

What?

That's not the point.

The point is that we work so hard

to get into this college.

We're just not here

for the parties,

the sex, and to land

some rich husband. Right?

Then what are you here

Ms. Kramer?

It is Ms. Kramer isn't it?

- Kelly Kramer?

- Associate Dean Marshall.

Yes, I know who I am.

So...

This is Delta Pi Sorority.

I heard you were meeting.

Even though

you don't have a house.

I say it shows resolved.

I say it shows resolve.

It's pathetic!

And not only that, it's unfair.

Especially when you consider

how many houses

of fraternities have,

am I right ladies?

- Yeah.

- Defiantly.

Sterling college has always offered

more opportunities

to it's male students.

You really think that you

and your quote unquote sorority

can over turn 50 years

of history?

Yes! I do!

I was hoping you'd say that.

Gentlemen.

Today you enter an

elite brotherhood

established by

our founders in 1963.

Just as Sterling College is

know as the cradle of awesome,

Alpha house is known as a place

where awesome

goes to get it's freak on.

Now, are you ready to uphold

the tradition of this fraternity?

If yes, let me hear you say yeah.

- Yeah!

- Good.

Do you swear

to never speak ill of her.

- Let me hear you say "Yeah".

- Yeah!

To never let her hallow halls

fall silent.

To never let her kegs

run empty.

And to never ever

let the party die.

F*** yeah!

Now, suck the guys dick

on your immediate left.

What?

- Really?

- No, I was just messing with you.

I just wanted to see

if you'd really do it.

I have nobody to my left.

Gentlemen.

Welcome to Alpha House.

- Hey! Who turned off the lights?

- What the f***?

I'm sorry Mr. Kroger.

Am I interrupting something?

Of course not.

It's always an honor to be visited

by our associate Dean.

I see you're inducting

a fresh batch of perverts,

drunks, and future fellons.

How fratuitous that I found you

in a very excepting frame of mind.

You thinking about pledging?

It's very flattering

but unfortunately

we're about the capacity

for the year.

Though the peace offering

with the strippers

was not a bad move.

I see they went for

the naughty bookworm look.

What you couldn't throw

in one sexy cop?

You see? This is why I'm here.

For too long Alpha House

has been the a bastian

for sex, drugs...

Stop! Stop! Stop it!

It's not a good thing!

It's everything that's wrong

with Sterling College!

But we are going

to transform it

into a shining example

of everything

that Sterling College has to offer.

Opportunity. Diversity.

- Equality.

- Can you get to the point?

I'm sobering up over here.

Gentlemen.

- Meet your new brothers.

- Hello boys.

As of tonight,

I am making Alpha House

officially... CoEd.

- No you can't.

- I can and I did.

Dean Bungalon

would never approve of this.

No. I doubt Dean Bungalon

would give approval

to such a dramatic change

to his old fraternity.

But luckly fraternity matters,

fall under the preview

of the Associate Dean.

Which is me.

This is bullshit!

- What's your name potty mouth?

- Cameron.

Is there something on

your feeble mind Cameron?

You can't just change

a frat like this. This isn't fair!

And having a Sorority

without a house is?

Excellent return Renee!

He means not fair to the girls.

It's still a frat.

You can bring a whole

bunch of girls in here

but they're gonna have to live

with a whole bunch of guys.

You think it's fair to make girls

live in that kind of environment?

Excellent point

Cameron's friend.

Zach.

Don't care.

With Alpha House being CoEd,

It is now written by state

and federal laws,

which forbid anyone

from making a member of

the opposite sex feel harassed,

disentranced, or

other wise uncomfortable.

It means you horn dogs

will dial down the debauchery.

Significantly.

How significantly?

This place is going to make the Mormon

tabernacle look like Mardi Gras.

Everybody will be

on their best behavior.

Or else, you're out.

Out of Alpha House?

Out of Alpha House.

Out of Sterling College.

Poop out of luck!

Ladies.

Why don't know go

make yourselves at home.

Girls.

Can someone please

buy some air freshener?

This is a disaster.

I'm outta here.

- Where you going?

- Sorry dudes.

I was only in this stupid frat only

for the booze and the cooze.

What about brotherhood?

What about never letting

the party die?

Dude, look around.

The party is dead.

I should be in elbows deep

in Co-Ed trim right now.

Instead of watching these

Delta Pi lesbos

turn our front door

into a chastity belt.

Adios losers.

Enjoy your castration.

Come on! Seriously guys!

Wait what?

Bye, bye.

Well...

Looks like you're the defecto

president potty mouth.

Congrats.

Alright, listen up.

This is how it's going to work.

You two are gonna divide

up the house equally.

I'm putting this on both

your shoulders.

- Got it?

- Got it.

Good.

So this is how it's gonna work.

You guys are gonna get

the rooms in the back,

and we get the rooms

in the front.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

You are talking to the acting

Alpha House president here.

Okay? If anybody decides

who gets what rooms is me.

Okay, so what do you suggest?

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes