Alpha House Page #2

Girls in the front, guys in the back.

And you can share

your room with me.

I'll pass. How many bathrooms

are in this hell hole?

2 upstairs. 1 down here.

We each get one upstairs,

the one downstairs is for guests,

and the living room and

the kitchen are common areas.

- Does that work for you?

- Yes.

Make it so.

Right.

Who is that?

I am not sure but I think

she wants to f*** me!

That's not gonna happen.

Oh yeah we'll see

about that sweetie.

Oh. Melanie?

Zach.

Oh my god.

What are you doing here?

I just transferred.

I was over at state last semester.

Well hello there, smelanie.

Cameron. Wow.

Didn't miss that!

Melanie. Upstairs now.

- We're having a meeting.

- Okay.

Well, I guess I will be seeing you

around the house then?

Yeah, I guess so.

This place is repulsive.

Is that a used condom?

Ladies please!

I know these are not

the best of arrangements.

And no matter what those

cavemen downstairs think,

This place is as much our

as it is theirs.

The road is gonna be rough.

It's gonna be dirty.

And occasionally will have

a used condom in it.

But we can do this.

Sisters on 3.

- 1, 2, 3...

- This is bullshit! Alright.

We can't have chicks living here.

I totally agree.

Yo that brunette,

I'd love to have

her Canadian swirl,

on a ford bronco on 4 flat tires.

Dude, what?

- Makes zero sense dude.

- Look, guys this is our house!

Those girls are invaders

in our territory.

Cameron and I wanted to be Alpha's

for as long as I can remember,

and I am not throwing

that dream that the shitter

- because of some chicks.

- Me too dude but,

my dream did not include

a p*ssy embargo.

You guys are missing

the bigger picture here.

Did you see the talent that

just walked into this house?

At this moment

the rooms above our heads

are being stocked with

some pretty decent inventory.

This house is basically

a cosco full of vag, right?

And if we play our cards right,

we might be getting

some free samples!

Besides, how bad could it be

living with girls?

- What's going on?

- They're... cleaning.

Nice work ladies!

What the f*** do you think

you're doing?

Just because you're comfortable

living like pigs

doesn't mean we have to be.

Pink! What the hell?

- What's going on?

- They're painted this room.

So?

They're painting this room... Pink!

I f***ing hate pink.

I could get use

to the view though.

Though I definiely give them

both cherry twisters.

Enjoying the view?

- Yeah.

- What did you say?

- We were just...

- Right.

You know these paint fumes

are making me kinda dizzy.

Oh! Yeah me too.

You wanna...

Get outta here?

- Definitely

- Okay.

Bang-o-rang.

Thank you.

Where you going?

Where you going?

Where you going?

Perv!

- I'm going to kill you.

- Feisty! I like that!

I like that! Help me.

What happened?

I caught jersey shore here

staring at me

through my bedroom door!

Whoa! Kiss my taint, alright?

I am way cooler then those

Jersey Shore douchebags!

I'm taking this to Marshall!

Whoa! Okay!

Pause right there alright.

Nobody has to take anything

to Dean Marshall.

How about, You promise to stay

in your part if the house

and we'll promise to stay in ours.

But... but we get

the basement, okay?

You guys got to go all Martha Stewart

on the rest of the house.

We get one place that's

just ours just like we like it.

Deal?

If I catch you

looking at me again,

I'm turning your balls

into a keychain.

Is that a promise?

I love her.

What?

They're taking this place over.

Then what the f***

are we doing about it?!

Cause I am one

ass hair away from leaving.

We do what we do best.

- And that would be?

- We be guys.

We do everything we can to run

the Deltas out of this place.

And back to the lecture hall

from where they came.

Then we take Alpha house

back for ourselves.

What about Marshall's big plan?

What's he gonna do about it

if they leave voluntary?

What about the bitchy one?

Leave her to me.

You boy ready for this?

- Oh yeah.

- Good.

We start at sun up.

Wake up! Wake up!

No shirt. Let's go! Get out!

No shirt! Nope!

Listen up recruits!

As acting president of Alpha House

it's my resposibility,

Strike that.

My pleasure

to ensure that you have

the proper induction in this

most honorable institution.

Being an Alpha

is a goddamn privilege.

A god damn privillage!

And like any privilege it's earned

through hard work.

- Is that right gentlemen?

- Hoo-rah!

Give me a break.

New recruits will as for permission

before speaking to the president!

Speak to this!

What is your name, recruit?

Kelly Kramer.

- Do you have a middle name?

- F*** off.

Oh. Pretty.

People call you K2?

- Nobody calls me...

- Here's the deal K2.

Just as generations

of Alphas before you.

You and your little femme

bots here

are going to have

to endure some...

minor inconveniences

to demonstrate you are worthy

for a spot in this house.

If any of you can't handle it,

you are welcome to leave.

Bring it sh*t weasel.

Play your little games.

Get that frat bullshit

out of your system.

But guess what,

we're still gonna be here.

Are we done?

You are dismissed.

Whatever. Girls.

That didn't go as planned.

No it did not.

They have to leave!

Oh they will.

I have a plan.

- Excuse me ladies.

- Hey!

- I'm so sorry.

- Dude!

- We were watching that.

- We are watching this now.

Oh god!

And this is how they pay

for college.

Alright K2. You have a choice

of "Hole filled with cock",

Brazilian Whores in Vegas.

Looks like that won an award,

or white men can hump.

Oh sorry,

don't have a TV in my room.

Oh no problem. Boys!

- Go to go boss.

- Good. Thank you.

Alright!

White men can hump it is!

Alright let's get those

tits bouncing!

Nice!

- Home movie?

- Uh sorry.

It's part of... you know.

It's alright hey I might

even learn a thing or two.

I...

Gotta go.

This is not why

I joined your stupid sorority.

Change is never easy Renee.

We're not about to let

some smutty videos break us.

We will persevere.

Hello ladies!

We got a treat for you.

Hand out the shirts.

What is this?

Oh we thought that the house

could use a little more solidarity.

So what each and everyone one

of you is going to do

is think of the sluttiest thing

you have ever done on the first date

write it on the shirt

and wear it to dinner.

- No way!

- Why not? Come on!

We're doing it too.

See. Solidarity!

Besides president's orders,

right Cameron?

- F***ing A!

- See you all at dinner.

I'm not doing this.

Yes you are. We all are.

Think of all the women who stood up

for what they believe is right.

Elizabeth Blackwell.

- Susie B. Anthony.

- Snooky!

If those women could endure

all they had to go through,

surely we can endure this!

Right ladies?

All of you start writing.

And be truthful.

We wouldn't want

to compromise our integrity.

Jessica.

I said be truthful.

Sh*t.

Here.

I made these for you.

Dude! I don't know

what the f*** this is!

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