Amar Akbar & Tony

1

Same old boring Sunday morning

Old mans out

Washing the car

Mums in the kitchen

cooking Sunday dinner

In 1987 my family

moved from Punjab in India

to Hounslow, Punjab in London,

just a short hop and a skip

from Heathrow Airport.

Sitting in the dark

Annoying the neighbors

With his punk rock electric guitar

Thats me there.

Amardeep Singh Sidhu,

age nine and three quarters.

Wed left our family business back home in

the safe hands of Papas younger brother,

Jarnail, or as we call him, Uncle Jay.

While here in England,

Papa opened the 14th Indian restaurant

on the High Street.

Papas passion for food

soon turned the business into a success.

But despite working long hours,

he always found time

to remind me of our heritage.

Mmm. Vadiya.

Remember, puttar,

a Sikh is a man of honor.

He should never be scared

to do the right thing,

no matter what the consequences.

When you grow up and wear a turban,

always treat it with respect.

Yes, Papa ji.

Soon I got to know

everyone in the neighborhood.

Next door to us

was Khan saab and his family.

And on the other side of the street

was Mrs. Doyle and her son.

It wasnt long before we became friends.

And this is our story.

Check, its Amar, Akbar and Tony

West London, listen up closely

True friends gotta know

whats the meaning

Cause fake friends

only stay around for a reason

Ride together, die together

Ask will this friendship end?

Okay, not now, not ever

Just three little letters

They be AAT

Baby, Amar, Akbar, Tony

The rest is just who we are

Excuse me. How do I get to...

What you need to do is--

Its right over here.

I cant do this.

-You want to back out?

-No way.

Were here now.

Dont be trying to p*ssy out of this.

No, theres too many people.

I cant do this.

Tony, chill out.

Were gonna stick to the plan.

Keep calm. Be cool.

Thank you.

Its nearly 5:
00.

They should be here by now.

-Are you sure you got the right day?

-Every Sunday its the same routine.

First they go the temple--

Nita, her brother and her mum.

They collect the blessing from the priest.

Her dad owns the jewelry store, so after

the temple they make their way there

to share the blessings, hoping that God

gives them even more money.

Auntie ji watches Nita like a hawk.

Never lets her out of her sight.

And her brother--

Her brother is Southall Sanj.

You know about this guy. Hes that

nutter who stabbed Jinder. Remember?

Nasty piece of sh*t.

You do not wanna get into his bad books.

Now wait for it.

She should be here...

any... minute... now.

Straight... from... heaven.

This is the only time

youre gonna catch her on her own.

In a minute shell come out the shop,

go to that music store, get some CDs.

But her brother keeps coming out

every so often to check on her.

So make sure you chat to her quick.

-How do you know all this?

-Ive done my research, man.

Every guy within five miles of Southall

has been after this girl for years,

and my cousin was the only guy

that got anywhere close.

He followed their routine for months, man.

Im talking proper surveillance sh*t.

What happened with him then? What?

Well, on the day he decides

hes finally gonna chat to her...

he gets arrested for credit card fraud.

Can you believe that? On the day?

Yeah, he gets done for fraud,

his family disown him,

but all hes gutted about

is not chatting to this girl.

Shes coming out.

Listen with headphones?

-You gonna talk to her or what?

-Come on.

Hurry up, man.

Where is he going?

Whats he doing?

-Any tips?

-Just remember to smile.

Even if she looks at you like

youre a piece of sh*t under her foot,

keep cool and just keep smiling.

Persistence overcomes resistance.

Remember that.

Hurry up.

You know hes gonna

crash and burn, dont you?

Get in there, son. Get in.

Excuse me. Do you know the way to, uh...

to the...

Oh, my God. Um, its you!

Y-Youre, uh, Nita, right?

-Yes.

-What a coincidence.

Uh, its Tony.

Uh, Anthony Doyle. Do you remember me?

W-We went to nursery together

when we were...

at nursery.

-Hey, Aki.

-Hmm?

- Is that true about your cousin?

- Of course not.

He didnt go to prison.

He went to hospital.

Southall Sanj caught him talking

to his sister, and he broke his leg.

No!

I shouldnt bloody laugh at that.

-Bloody hell.

-I know. Terrible.

-Oh, sh*t.

-Sh*t!

Hey. White boy.

Youre messing with

the wrong guys sister.

Come on, come on! Come on!

I know who you are!

If I see any of you again...

...youre dead!

I could tell she liked me.

I could see it in her eyes. Shes the one!

Youve gotta stop turning

every woman you meet into the one.

It aint the two,

or the ten, or the 20.

The one? The uno?

-The ik?

-Thats what Im saying.

Nita is my ik!

Im telling you boys.

Listen, let me tell you something

about Asian women, bro.

Nita is an eight-to-ten, right?

And the only way youre gonna marry

an eight-to-ten is if you become a doctor.

-Well, that aint gonna bloody happen!

-Its the unwritten rule.

A caste system for beautiful Indian women.

If shes an eight-to-ten,

she gets married to a doctor.

Or the ugly son of a rich industrialist.

Lawyers, accountants, business guys,

they get the six-to-sevens.

Three and fives, everyone else.

-Everyone else.

-Thats just the way it is.

Well, I think my gal Nita

is looking for a Caucasian prince.

Mate, she dont want your Cauc

anywhere near her Asian.

You need to learn how to make good chapati

to keep your husband happy.

Yeah? I thought you had to learn how to do

other things to keep your husband happy.

Chee. Take this inside.

-Ik minut! Sonia.

-What?

-Please cover yourself.

-Mom!

-Ah!

-Besharam.

We used to walk five miles

to work every morning.

We had bread dipped in tea for our lunch.

You have choices which we didnt.

If I had half the opportunities you have--

Ah! Chapatis!

What happened to your eye?

Soni!

What?

Uh-- I got into a fight.

But the choices you boys make today

will make you into the men

you become tomorrow.

To be a man you need big shoulders

and bigger balls.

Why is nobody eating?

Come on, come on. Here.

Yes, please, Auntie.

Come on, eat until everyones plates

empty, empty, empty.

How do you say big balls in Punjabi?

-Vaadey tattey.

-Vaadey tattey.

-Vaadey tattey. Thats it.

-Vaadey tattey.

- Vaadey tattey.

- Just get in.

Vaadey tattey.

-That all right?

-Its right, its right.

-Got a headache, man.

-I dont wanna hear about your problems.

-Vaadey tattey. Vaadey tattey!

-Shut up.

-Whoo!

-Shut up!

So, why should we offer you

the position, Mr. Singh?

Well, sir, as well as

my academic distinctions,

I firmly believe in

the British justice system.

Its always been my dream

to work for a prestigious law firm--

Thats admirable, Mr. Singh,

but Im not looking to hire a politician.

Im looking to hire a good lawyer.

Why should we hire you?

Im hardworking. I always give a hundred

percent. You wont find me wanting.

Look, Mr. Sykes,

the area Im from,

the kids I grew up with,

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