Amateur Night Page #2

So now I just stop.

So about this client,

I've been with him before.

He's a doctor.

Pretty basic.

Just walk me to the door,

and let him know you'll be

outside in the car.

I thought the job was just

dropping off and picking up?

"The job" is being my driver.

That's a ride and protection.

You carry a weapon?

Me? A weapon? No, I do

not carry a weapon.

What about karate?

You know karate?

I have zero skills

in the lethal arts.

I'm an architect.

I know how to draw.

Never mind, I got my own

protection right here.

Great. I'll let you handle

that part of the operation.

And what about you?

How did you get into

this line of work?

Well, it's not exactly

an everyday job.

Well, that depends where

you spend every day.

I grew up in the Valley.

Every girl I know did a porno

by the time she was eighteen.

Or at least a stripping gig.

But you're still doing it.

Yeah,

'cause I'm good at it.

I don't get

what the big deal is.

Nobody asks a carpenter

why they became a carpenter.

Fair enough.

Hello, stranger.

It's been too long.

My driver.

Great house.

Paul Williams?

Paul Williams, right?

He's a pioneer of the

California Regency Movement.

Really great designer.

Designed a lot in the fifties,

which is when it looks

this house is from.

He's black, incidentally,

which doesn't really...

I'm sorry. Do I care about

anything you're saying right now?

No, you don't.

Don't you have somewhere to go?

Yes. He does.

He'll be in the car.

Right, Guy?

Right, of course.

I'll be in the car.

See you in an hour.

F*** this.

Baby?

So guess what?

I'm not driving pizzas.

What are you driving?

- Hookers.

- Shut up.

I'm serious.

I picked up this lady

called Nikki Winters.

You're fibbing me.

I fib you not.

You know that's not

her real name, right?

No way.

Oh my, God. What was she like?

Was she hot?

Did she have an amazing body?

Did she look like Julia

Roberts in "Pretty Woman"?

No. This was not

a happy hooker.

This lady was mean.

Mean?

Can you blame her?

I guess not.

So where is she now?

At some doctor's house.

And you're just like sitting out

in the driveway or something?

No, I left.

What do you mean you left?

You just ditched her?

Babe, this guy,

he totally insulted me.

I told him his house

was a Paul Williams,

and he looked at me

like I was an idiot.

I mean, hello, I have a master's

in architecture from Yale,

I think I know what

I'm talking about.

Guy, what if something

happens to her?

Like what? I don't

know, was he creepy?

He hired a hooker to come to

his mansion in the daytime.

Of course he was creepy.

Plus, he's like a doctor.

They're the worst

kind of psychos.

He's her regular.

I'm sure it's fine.

You don't know that.

You have to go back.

Anne, you're crazy talking.

I'm almost home.

If something happens, you'll

never forgive yourself!

Go back now! This is someone's

daughter we're talking about.

Oh! Sorry.

Okay, I see you.

I got... All right!

One sec.

I just gotta U-turn.

Man, move it!

Jesus!

Word up?

Hey, it's Guy.

Yeah, you with Nikki?

She's in a house with a client.

Said she'd be out

twenty minutes ago,

but she's not.

Nikki's never late.

Hold on, I'll try her cell.

She's not pickin' up.

Damn, that's all I need

is another Nikki problem.

She's, like, fifty percent

of my business.

I lose her, then I'm out

on the street.

Spoken like a true pimp.

Spoken like a true white boy.

There are no more pimps.

Pimps got killed by Craigslist.

I'm a dispatcher.

I work for Nikki,

not the other way around.

She needs a ride, she calls me.

If you screw this up, then

she's not gonna call me.

- Okay, so what do I do?

- Lemme think. Lemme think.

- You got a gun?

- What? No.

Why does everyone keep

asking if I have a gun?

Calm down, it's

an honest question.

You know karate?

I am an architect!

Architects

can know karate.

Well, I don't!

You gonna have to go in, man.

Pretend you're not wearing

a pink shirt and go in!

Sh*t!

That's right.

Go ahead, struggle all you want.

You're not getting out of this.

You're never

getting out of this.

Helpless right now, huh?

Pretty vulnerable.

Ah, there we go.

That's too tight.

Hmm-mm.

Hmm-mm.

Huh?

Oh sh*t! Oh, Oh!

Sh*t, sh*t, sh*t, sh*t.

Okay. Here we go.

Here we go.

I'm here. I'm here.

I'm sorry.

What the f*** is wrong with you?

What do you mean?

He was torturing you.

That was role play, you dumbass.

What?

I was teaching him

how to tie bondage knots.

He pays extra if I let

him wear the dog mask.

Or at least, he was gonna.

Just untie me, okay?

Uh... Jesus. How?

How do you...

Oh, my God!

Is this guy a f***ing

Eagle Scout?

Hold on. I took

sailing camp one summer

and I think this is a...

What do you call this knot?

Are you f***ing kidding me?

Sorry.

Let me, okay, hold on.

It's like a spaghetti factory.

I don't even know

where to begin.

Under.

Under what?

Under, over.

Under.

Under, over, yeah.

Pretty simple.

Yeah.

I think I got it,

I think I got it!

Got it, got it, got

it, got it, got it.

Got it. Is that good?

Is that good?

Okay. Phew!

Yes!

Yeah, that's it.

I knew it!

I knew it.

Idiot!

Oww!

Sh*t!

Here, put this in a case.

Jesus! What the hell

is wrong with you people?

Does this go a certain way?

Now look, I still

gotta get paid,

but I'm gonna give you

half price.

Oh, and good work today.

Oww! F***!

Guy, come on.

Sorry. Yeah.

Got it.

Got it. Got it.

Guy, come on!

F***ing got it!

Son of a...

I can't f***ing

believe this.

You think this was my fault?

Whose fault was it?

You said an hour!

Yeah, well, he was stuck

on the Bachmann hitch.

That's a really hard knot.

The rabbit has to go

around the tree three times

before he goes down the hole.

You know what, if I'm gonna

be late, I usually text

but you said you were

sticking to the driving

and I was handling

the protection,

which there was no need for,

until you decided there was.

I cannot believe that this

is my life right now.

We committed a crime, Nikki.

An actual crime.

I broke and entered.

I assaulted.

What if he's dead? What if

I just murdered a doctor?

Don't flatter yourself. It's

a bump on the head at best.

What if he calls the cops?

Trust me, the doc is not gonna

tell anyone about this.

Besides him, I'm the

only one that knows

about your retarded heroics.

Suffice to say,

I'm not payin' your

percentage on that stop.

My percentage?

You get 20% of the take.

What "take"?

Everything we make,

you get 20% of.

How do you not know this?

I don't know, I guess...

everything happened so fast,

I forgot to ask about the money.

Never forget

to ask about the money.

How much, exactly,

are we talking about?

Saturday night,

a couple of stops...

Plus the two girls

we're picking up

for the bachelor party...

All in, you could walk away

with a grand, maybe two.

Two... Two thousand... dollars?

$2,000?

Just to be clear, I'm not

doin' you any favors.

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