Amateur Night Page #3

You're gonna earn it.

Grab my bag.

Ladies, shake a leg.

Hey, make yourself at home,

why don't you?

I always do.

Where's Jaxi?

Gettin' dolled up.

Who's he?

Hi, I'm Guy.

I'm new.

Nick, what the eff?

Most people do that

in the shower.

I'm not most people.

This is a huge night. We can't

be breaking in a new dude.

Zip it, okay? He's got a sweet ride.

A Volvo.

- This him?

- Uh-huh.

Hi. I'm Guy.

He don't look like no driver.

Look, we have a party

in the penthouse at The Teal.

We need a guy who's on point.

He's up for it, okay?

To prove it, he's gonna

wash the hardware.

- Right, Guy?

- Oh sh*t!

That'll be fun.

They've been cooking.

- Is it... Oh!

- Scrub-a-dub-dub.

It's leaking.

- Yeah.

- You're kidding, right?

- The den mother don't kid.

- No. Go, go!

Get it done, son.

Okay.

Chop, chop.

Mine's the purple one.

Have fun.

It's dirty.

Oh! Eww!

Oh, yeah

Oh God!

Mr. Big Stuff

Who do you think

you are?

Eww.

Mr. Big Stuff

You're never

gonna get my love

Now because you wear

all these fancy clothes

Oh yeah

And have a big fine car

oh yes, you do now

Do you think

I can afford

To give you my love

Oh yeah

You think you're higher

than every star above

Mr. Big Stuff

Who do you think

you are?

Mr. Big Stuff

You're never gonna

get my love

Eww. What the...

Now I know

all the girls

I've seen you with

I know you broke

their hearts

Hon.

Baby, why you call me?

What happened with the

lady and the doctor?

No, she's... She's fine.

I picked her up and now we're

at this house in the Valley

with two other girls...

Wait.

Two other hookers?

Looks that way, yeah.

So you're

with three hookers now?

Yes.

Uh-huh.

It's just you,

and three hookers,

at a house in the Valley?

Uh... yeah,

but I'm about to drive them

to a party, where there'll

be a bunch of guys.

Is that supposed

to make me feel better?

What do you want

me to say?

I mean, you're the reason

I'm here at all.

Remember,

"somebody's daughter?"

Yeah, well it seems

like everyone's

safe and sound now.

A few hours ago, you

wanted me to do anything

to keep our insurance!

Yeah, well baby,

a few hours ago,

there weren't half a dozen

silicone tits

staring you in the face.

Yeah, that's not quite what's

staring me in the face right now.

You still alive in there?

Hey, you're just

supposed to be washing those.

Don't give yourself CPR.

We're gonna be tardy

to the party.

Okay. All right.

Babe. I have to go,

okay?

I gotta clean the hardware.

I'll talk to you

in a little bit.

I love you, okay? Bye.

Hardware?

Okay.

Good to go.

You missed a spot.

What, I scrubbed

with antibacterial.

On your face.

Oh, God.

Ugh, get it off.

Is there...? Can I...?

Come here. Don't be such a wuss.

It's just lube.

Eww.

Okay, let's go.

Bye, Nicky Hilton.

I call shotgun.

No, b*tch, I got shotgun.

Bye, Nicky Hilton.

Woohoo!

Breath mints, anyone?

Nuh-uh,

put that sh*t away.

What is your problem?

I'm not doin' another party

with you about to be

poppin' those.

And why the hell not?

Last time you ate my p*ssy,

you had one in your mouth,

I was numb for a week.

Numb, but minty fresh.

B*tch. I am always minty fresh.

I'd like you f***ing...

Hey, our driver doesn't want

to hear your gory details.

Oh, no, don't mind me.

We won't.

Uh, that's...

that's an open container

right there.

Yeah, sure is.

How else do you

get the liquid out, huh?

Yeah, well...

I don't really think

that's a good idea

to have in the car.

Right?

I mean, lots of cops.

What's with this guy?

Tell me he's not for real?

Please tell me.

I'm sorry, but...

do you want us to buckle our seat

belts back here too, grandpa?

'Cause we can.

You know what?

Go easy on him.

He's sensitive... I mean,

being a gay and all.

Oh, you like boys?

Oh my God, that's so cute!

We never had

a homo driver before.

No wonder he took so long

washing the d*ldos.

Ooh, ain't she got your number!

- We're open-minded.

- Yeah, always.

Ah, yeah, my brothers!

Da ladies are in da house!

Yo, you the pimp?

You don't gotta front, bro.

I know what's up.

You got that gat?

You're the third person to

ask me that tonight and I...

You know what, you don't

wanna know, actually.

Oh, I bet he knows karate.

What's up, bro?

I'm Dan, the Best Man.

Hey, Best Man Dan.

I think we spoke on the phone.

All the stuff in the rider,

is in the room,

including the Tabasco.

Cool, let us get ready.

Hey, boys.

Look, I need these guys to

have the night of their lives,

I mean, I went all out and got

them custom hats and everything.

Umm... in terms of extras

after the show,

how does that work?

Uh...

Look... You know what?

We can discuss that I'm sure.

Awesome, dude.

Awesome.

Just say the word.

Okay.

Everyone take your d*cks out.

Whoa! Guy?

Guy f***ing Carter!

In the flesh.

Yah!

What the f***?

Devon.

Yeah, man.

How long has it been, hustler?

Uh...

I guess Grad school.

Wow! That is like

a lifetime ago.

You heard I made partner

at Pivot Point?

No, wow.

You made partner.

Wow, that's... Congratulations.

That's amazing.

It's rad.

Me, of all people,

designing cell phones.

Here's the secret.

Just keep makin' 'em thinner.

They'll keep makin'

my pockets fatter.

What about you, man?

How's it shakin'

with old Guy Carter?

Oh... you know,

it's good.

Yeah, man.

It's good. I'm solid.

- Hey, driver.

- Hey.

Guy, get in here.

Pour yourself a drink.

Sucks when the civilians

spot you.

That never used to happen.

Now it's like I can't even

go to a grocery store

without some jack-hole

being like,

"Weren't you

in such and such?"

Used to be if you took

a really nasty job...

Like when you did

Black Cock Down?

And you did

Weapons of Ass Destruction?

You know, the only way

someone would see it

was if they went to an

equally nasty video store,

paid actual money,

watched it in a VCR, returned it

and never gave it

another thought.

Not only is everything

f***ing free now,

They watch it over

and over and over.

You guys done with the

grass-is-greener sh*t?

We gotta bring Guy up to speed.

You ready for your fifteen

minutes, Big Daddy?

Uh...

I'm not sure I follow.

They think you're a pimp, right?

I thought there were no more

pimps because of Craigslist?

There aren't. But those fools

out there don't know that.

So run with it.

Act like you're Willie Dynamite,

been beating chicks

down for years.

That way they feel sorry

for us and they tip harder.

How many ones you got?

A hundred.

Here's what we're gonna do.

Sell 'em, collect 'em

again, sell 'em again.

If they're not sticky

by night's end,

you didn't turn

'em around enough.

And collect the panties, 'cause they'll

steal 'em and that sh*t's costly.

Amen. The most important

thing, learn your script.

What, I have to read this?

You have to perform it.

You're a pimp, remember?

You gotta bring out

that big boss, Mac Daddy,

fur-coat-wearin'

motherf***er

that I know is in you.

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