Amateur Night Page #4

Bring it out, boo-boo.

Okay, no.

- What?

- No?

No, no, no, no,

I...

I can't do this.

Are you kidding?

I can't do this.

There are people

out there that I...

I'm sorry.

I thought I was gonna be

delivering pizzas tonight.

Honestly.

I'm in way over my head here.

I... I...

This...

I understand, Guy.

What?

You do?

Yeah, 'cause it's...

Thank you.

We get it.

Thank you.

Because this...

is just not me.

But, I'll pay for your cab,

it's only fair.

We got it, Guy.

One thing, though.

You got a long drive.

Might wanna visit the

little boys room, first.

Smart thinking.

I do kind of have to go.

So, excuse me.

Mm mm mm.

Who said, "Don't break a guy

in on a Saturday night?"

Who said it?

Get your gear on

and shut your faces.

Oh, sorry, it's all yours.

I'm not here for the bathroom.

So, you goin' home

to your boyfriend?

Huh?

You're still gay, right?

Oh, yeah.

I'm gay. See?

Pink shirt. I'm gay.

So...

you don't like it

when I do this?

Um... not really.

Or this...?

No.

Or this?

Umm...

Homos don't pop boners

when girls touch them.

You know who does?

Husbands.

Look, can I have

my phone, please?

Is this your "boyfriend"?

That's Anne.

That is my wife.

I wonder what Anne

would think of this?

Let's see, contacts.

Anne Carter.

"Attaching file"...

Okay, Nikki...

Nikki...

Please... please.

She's 37 weeks pregnant.

She's very fragile right now.

She will not understand this,

not in a million years.

I'm sure she wouldn't.

I wouldn't.

I mean, nobody likes a cheater.

Okay, please,

Anne will leave me.

She will leave me, okay?

You don't understand

the stress we're under,

both of us out of work.

Oh, cry me a river, Volvo Guy.

Yeah, things sound

really desperate,

with you turning your back

on an easy grand.

I... I told you,

I can't do this job.

It's too much for me.

Everything's just...

It's too much for me.

I got two words for you, mister,

Buck the hell up.

Now, I'm gonna

keep hold of this.

And you're gonna learn these...

and get

your non-gay-ass

into that room and you're

gonna do your job.

Okay?

He was un-cool with it.

Now he's cool with it.

Let's go, let's go.

Lets' go.

Bring them out!

Bring them out!

Bring them out!

Bring them out!

Bring them out!

Whoa, whoa, whoa...

All right. Sh*t.

That shirt is so pink.

Hi.

Hello. Hi.

Okay, okay.

- Sit down.

- Come on, get on with it.

You want me to bring

the ladies out...

we gotta learn

a few basic rules.

Bullshit!

First and foremost, no kissing

the ladies on the mouth.

They don't like it.

- It's alright, it's...

- Can I kiss you?

That's what it says.

Second rule...

Take off your top!

No fingers in any holes.

That's a deal breaker.

That also goes

for remote controls.

Cheese doodles. Action figures.

Action figures?

Is my dick

an action figure?

Anything other than a sanctioned

toy goes in the holes,

show's over.

One last thing.

You want a hot show,

you're gonna have to tip.

I'll show you my tip.

I'll be selling

ones all night, all right?

So, anyone?

F*** yeah!

Put your hands together

for the owner and founder

of "Bad Gurls" party services,

Miss Nikki Winters

and her BFFs Jaxi and Fallon!

Take it off!

Yeah!

Work that!

Shake it out right!

Good work, Guy.

You get your phone back.

Thanks.

You like that, Daddy?

There you go.

Um-hmm. Yeah.

I'll take that.

Hey, bullshit on that sh*t!

Your chick just

lifted all my ones!

That's f***in' unacceptable.

That's how you run

your business, bro?

No, no, no!

I'm sorry.

I'll get your ones back.

Watch and learn.

Oh yeah! Oh!

Make it rain, baby!

Hi, Daddy!

You like that?

Give me more.

- Hello?

- I'll keep giving you more.

Anne. Hold on,

hold on.

Hon. Everything okay?

What? Wait. Now?

That's impossible.

You're still three weeks away.

This is what

marriage is gonna feel like.

Holy Christ. Okay.

Well, uh...

What should we do?

What do you want me to do?

Okay, I'll be there.

Ow! Hey, it really hurts.

It's supposed to.

Nikki, Nikki, Nikki,

I gotta talk to you.

I'm kinda in the middle

of something.

It's an emergency. Please?

Go to town.

His ass is bleeding, dude!

It actually really hurts.

What's the problem?

I gotta go.

Haven't we been through

this already tonight?

This is different.

I'm having a family crisis.

Yeah, well, You leave, I'm

having a financial crisis, okay?

Party games are up next. You

really wanna miss all the fun?

No, no, but... Yeah, we're gonna

put licorice up our pussies,

and they're gonna eat it out.

Then we pour tequila shots

in our pussies

and they drink it out.

Oh, then we put whipped cream

in our pussies

and they lick...

I get it, I get it.

Lots of stuff going into the...

- That's what we do.

- Pussies.

Yeah, I need you here

to cut the deals,

keep the supplies coming

tequila, candy, whipped cream...

Nikki, my wife just called.

She's having the baby.

Are you f***ing with me?

I wish I were.

Fine.

Go have your damn infant.

Just don't expect to get paid.

'Cause you didn't do sh*t!

I don't.

It's... I don't.

Bye, loser.

I thought he was gay.

Sorry.

Hi. Maternity?

Sorry.

Hi. What's happening?

Baby, this is Doctor Siegel.

This is my husband, Guy.

Hi. Is it coming out?

Uh... It is,

but not today.

He says I'm not even dilated.

But okay...

What about the pain?

Well, your wife was

experiencing false labor.

Which is not uncommon

during the first pregnancy.

Could be brought on

by anything really.

Dehydration, stress...

We started a saline drip just

to kind of settle things down.

I'm already feeling better.

Oh, thank God.

Oh, thank God.

I cannot have this kid yet.

Well, she is coming out

sooner or later.

I'm gonna go make a note

in your chart.

I'll be back in a bit

to take that drip out.

Thank you.

You know, it really hurts

my feelings

when you say things like that.

Oh.

I don't mean to upset you.

I'm just...

I'm just being honest.

I'm not ready.

What if I just suck

at being a dad? Really.

What if I'm a bad provider,

financially and emotionally?

I mean, think about it, Annie.

We are bringing an actual human,

a real human life

into this world.

She's gonna be a person.

And everything that

she is and is going to be

depends upon us.

What made us think

we could do that?

What if we're not up to the job?

I just spent two hours

with three women whose parents

clearly did something wrong

because there's no way

a well-adjusted person

would stick licorice rope

up their-

Licorice rope?

I love Licorice rope.

Yeah, me too. I was just

saying how I wish I had some.

Can't help ya there,

but you're lucky

you got a doctor

with a sweet tooth.

Would you care

for a Fruit Burst?

No, thank you.

Baby, what if you're right?

What if she hates us?

Why wouldn't she?

I hate my parents.

You do not hate your parents.

Well, I do. I mean, I don't

totally love my parents.

I wouldn't choose

to hang out with them.

What if she feels about me

the way that I feel

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