Amateur Night Page #5

about my mom?

Oh, my God.

I'd kill myself.

Sign here, and here...

Pay that much now,

and then mail this form

into the insurance

to get your reimbursement.

If we still have

insurance by then.

Man.

That's about how much

Nikki said I'd make tonight.

What, the hookers?

Yeah, there was a lotta money

flying around.

But I'm done.

Thank you.

Come on. Let's get you

home and into bed.

You should probably

come with me.

No, I don't want to leave my car here.

I'll drive.

Are you sure?

I'll meet you there.

You sure? You sure?

I love you.

I love you.

All right,

I'll meet you at home.

Ma'am, is there a water

fountain around here?

Right around the corner

to the right.

Thank you.

You?

You.

Doctor?

Doctor Kurtz?

Yes.

Is he...?

Is that a patient?

Hey... Code Grey!

Code Grey!

Oh sh*t.

Dr. Grey, Dr.

Grey. North wing.

Dr. Grey, Dr. Grey.

North wing.

- Oh jeez!

- Shh.

I just filled this syringe

with 1.1 milliliters

of Anectine.

Enough to paralyze you

for several hours.

It's a very disagreeable

experience.

Whatta you say

we go look up Nikki, huh?

Okay.

Come on.

What are you planning

on doing to her?

I don't know yet.

You're really starting to sound like

a creepy doctor, you know that?

Yeah. You know what?

Just keep driving.

What happened wasn't her fault.

It was mine.

I'm new to this. I thought

she was being tortured.

I pay extra for that.

I know that now,

but I think you can appreciate

the misunderstanding.

I mean, If you heard what I heard...

it sounded pretty extreme.

Obviously, you have issues.

Maybe you should

consider therapy?

Or you might want to rethink

the missionary position.

It still works.

Rather well,

as a matter of fact.

And it leaves s lot

less room for confusion.

Shut the f*** up.

I don't think you realize

how lucky you are.

You're a doctor.

You're getting to do,

what I imagine,

you've always wanted to do...

And getting paid for it.

Do you know how rare that is?

Most people work

their whole lives

and never get that chance.

You go in there

half-cocked,

you're throwing it all away.

Your medical license?

Gone.

And for what?

Go! Go! Go!

Another thing, doctor,

I Googled your house.

It is a Paul Williams.

Preservation boards

go crazy for him

because he was black, working

in an all-white hierarchy.

You could get

landmark status.

Are you f***ing kidding me?

Nikki. Sh*t.

Nikki, don't move.

Doctor, please don't.

Listen to me, think about it.

Think about all of it.

You get landmark status.

Which, on your house,

means no property taxes!

That's huge cash savings.

Holy sh*t!

Why the f*** did

you bring him here?

What? I...

Did you not just see...?

He kidnapped me!

Dr. f***ing Strangelove

works at our hospital.

He was hell bent on getting

revenge or something.

I guess he's

sh*t outta luck.

Yeah, it looks that way.

I hope to f*** he's not dead.

No, he's just paralyzed

for a couple of hours.

It's a...

Thing. It's a neck...

Whatever.

Awesome. So what's

the deal with your baby?

False alarm.

Well, since you're here,

want your old job back?

Come on, doc.

I got you.

Look what the cat dragged in.

Hey! Now the party's

gonna get really crazy!

Pull up a bottle, "driver."

We're in the home stretch.

Hey, can you

hook that for me, Love?

Oh, yeah.

That's not one of the

regular Kiss guys, is it?

No, it's Eric Carr.

He's the best.

He replaced Peter Criss

on the drums.

Good to know.

Yeah, he's a fox.

How can you tell? He's got

paint all over his face.

No, I mean, literally.

He's a fox, like,

that's his character.

Her mom slept with him once.

That's Fallon's

big claim to fame,

she could have been

the Kiss drummer's daughter.

Okay, this is it.

The big finale.

We're lookin' to get five bills.

It's up to you.

At this point, there's pretty

much nothing that'll shock me.

Except this.

We're looking to get every

single mother f***in' dollar.

Yeah.

Work it down to the bone.

I'm ticklish.

Balls out.

This guy?

All right, everybody.

Alright, alright.

Listen, this is the moment

you've all been waiting for.

It's time

for the girl-on-girl...

on-girl sex show.

Now, now listen,

this is one hot, sick show.

Everything you see is real.

I'm serious. Everything.

One hundred percent.

None of it is fake.

Listen, listen...

All right, all right.

Stop it!

- You want proof?

- Bullshit!

Our girl Fallon,

she's gonna prove it.

There's no way to fake

what she's about to do.

Okay, it is the real deal.

Now I don't wanna ruin

the surprise

but suffice to say,

you might not

wanna sit too close.

I need to see the money.

Help me out.

'Cause I can't... We can't go

forward without the money!

So what do you say?

How about some money?

You guys are very smart.

'Cause you just bought

yourself a memory

that you will

never ever forget. Boom.

What I tell you?

Woo!

Where'd you go? I thought

you were right behind me?

- I got sidelined.

- By what?

It's a long story,

try not to be mad,

but, I'm back at the hotel.

Now you've got me

thinking about this baby.

What if I hate her?

What if she's ugly?

What if she has one of those

giant raspberry birthmarks

on her face and I can't

bond with her

because I can't

even look at her?

What if I hate her

because she's beautiful,

more beautiful than I am?

And I get super jealous

of her and resentful

and competitive because

she has six pack abs...

Guy, come on.

While I bust my ass

at CrossFit every week

and still have this weird

an inner tube around my waist?

Oh, my God, Guy, I feel the

postpartum already setting in.

Does California have a law

where you can drop off

a baby at a fire station...

Babe, babe, babe, babe.

You're spinning.

I know! That's why I need

you to come home right now!

The party isn't over yet.

We need to clean up

and get these girls home.

Look, just try to relax.

Try to lay down. Lay down and

make some chamomile tea.

Just calm...

I can't calm down!

You know why, because

I don't have a "me"

to calm me down

like I do for you!

The one time I need a "me,"

you're not here!

Babe? Babe?

Oh, yeah!

Go! Go! Go!

Oh!

Oh, my God!

That's so wrong!

Go clean yourself up.

What is that stuff?

Nobody knows.

But you should clean it off.

I think I'm in love.

Oh, sh*t.

We got robbed.

Robbed?

As in, someone came in here

and snaked all our cash.

Wait, are you sure?

This was full.

Now it's not.

Who would do something

like that?

One of those

limp dick f*** boys.

You killed yourselves

for that money!

I wouldn't go

that far, but, yeah,

it took some effort.

Hold on, wait.

Maybe... Maybe... Maybe it like

just fell out or something.

It didn't.

Well, we should at least have look

around for it, don't you think?

I agree.

Let's look for it.

Mother f***ers! Yeah,

somebody's about to get f***ed up.

It's not under here.

Wait! Ladies.

Hey, party's goin' great, man.

That show was a mind f***.

Yeah, sure was.

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