Amateur Night Page #6

We gotta talk about that thing we

were talkin' about. The extras?

Yeah, that's not

happening right now.

What the f***?

You said we'd get extras.

You gave me your word.

We got robbed, motherf***er.

Either you make up

the difference

or we don't let

anyone outta here.

You're high.

None of these guys

would rob you.

They're all agents.

Suit yourselves.

Ladies, lock the doors.

This is ridiculous.

I'm calling security.

No, you ain't.

Uh-oh.

Sh*t just got real.

Wha... Nikki, whoa.

Nikki...

you never mentioned guns.

I thought we were gonna talk.

We are gonna talk.

This helps them listen.

Okay, people.

We got a situation here.

One of you boners

stole my money.

Nobody is leaving

this f***ing hotel

until I get it back.

I want all of you c*nts

on the carpet.

Now!

Yeah, who's taking

their d*cks out now, b*tch?

He gets a pass.

You can take whatever I got.

Take my wallet.

Take anything.

I don't want your wallet, prick.

I want my money.

The money I earned.

Yeah, the money we earned.

Guy, check 'em.

Check 'em.

Aren't you two cozy.

F***ing guys spooning.

- This one's clean.

- This guy's clean.

Clean. Move!

- Clean here.

- Ooh, library card.

- Clean.

- Munch some carpet!

I touched his penis.

Sorry. Clean.

- Clean.

- Check his pants.

Help!

Congratulations, dude.

- Thank you.

- Sorry. Clean.

What about him?

Hey, you don't

have to worry about me.

I mean, you know I'm cool.

- Clean.

- Clean.

Hey, man.

I got laid off six months ago.

I had to do it.

I'll split it with you.

I know one of you

boners stole this sh*t!

Come on, man, help out a bro.

It's this one.

You dick!

We got a runner!

Get him!

Go! Go! Go!

Move your ass, Guy.

Elevator's not coming, b*tch!

Get over here, f***er!

Stop right there!

Please jump.

Hey...

Make my f***ing night.

Oh, I was just messin'

with you guys.

I was totally

gonna give it back.

You idiot.

It's right here.

Every cent.

Frisk his ass.

That's just...

Hey.

Homeboy is doughy as f***.

Look here.

I forgot about that. Sorry.

Okay, I told you,

I was gonna give it back.

I was just bustin' your balls.

Turn around

and get on your knees.

What?

On your knees, f***-tard!

You like to play games, right?

What're you gonna do, Guy?

Someone's about to get f***ed up.

Guy, buddy, please, please,

don't let them hurt me, please.

I'm so sorry!

I'm so, so, so, so sorry!

Please...

Nikki, Nikki...

Hey, listen.

Ladies...

piss on this f***er.

- What?

- Hell yeah!

Nikki, hold on,

that's just plain gross.

You cannot pee-pee on me!

Guy, don't let them do this!

Honey, my bladder's about to burst.

Do you wanna

go first, or should I?

You filthy b*tches!

No, don't don't don't!

Seriously, stop. Don't...

Yeah, pee on him.

Oh God, stop. No!

Rainbow kiss!

It's in my mouth!

Fallon, what the f***

are you doing?

You said pee on him.

He's blindfolded.

He can't tell the difference!

Well, I really had to go.

You nasty, filthy b*tches!

Wait. Why does she get

to pee on him and I don't?

Give it back to me,

motherf***er!

B*tch!

Smells like asparagus.

Hey, man.

Good thing she didn't

have to poop, huh?

What?

Having fun yet?

Is this what every

Saturday night is like?

Pretty much.

How do you survive?

Smooth jazz helps.

I think I might need

something stronger.

Smooth metal.

Why are you such a stress case?

Oh, I don't know.

Because I'm about to have a kid.

I don't have a career.

Your kid doesn't

need you to have a career.

Really?

What does she need?

For you to basically do what

you've been doing tonight with us.

Okay, I think you and I

have very different philosophies

on how to raise kids.

I don't know.

No, I think it boils down

to a ride and protection.

Sure you can throw in

washing their stuff

and picking up after them,

which, incidentally,

you also did tonight.

But mostly,

kids just need a ride

and protection.

It doesn't matter if you drive

a Porsche or a Pontiac.

As long as the kid knows that

you're gonna be there on time

and they're gonna be safe,

it's a job done.

We both know you can do that.

You can do that like a champ.

Now, look...

Now before we clear out

of the room,

do an idiot check.

Come on.

Hey, ladies, hold up.

I've got something of yours.

Oh my God,

these are my favorites.

Someone was supposed

to collect all the panties.

They were under the couch.

I'm just glad I was able

to get 'em back to you.

Well, thanks.

It really was

a dynamite show.

I'd also like to say

I'm sorry for what

happened back there.

Some guys...

they just don't say a lot

for the male gender,

now do they?

Yeah, well, if it wasn't

for the male gender,

we wouldn't have jobs.

True, which leads me

to my next point.

Now, I know you said

you guys were done...

Here we go.

Dude, go home.

Bust a load off in your sink.

I got two hundies burnin'

a hole in my pocket.

My truck is right in the corner,

so, what do ya say?

What the hell.

Awesome.

This will just take

a few seconds, no offense.

Come on.

Some taken.

But... yeah. Shall we?

My cousin made over a million

bucks selling vitamins.

Maybe coke vitamins.

No, b*tch.

Real f***ing vitamins.

Nu-uh.

Yeah-huh.

Okay, that was

so black-ish of you.

B*tch, I am black. Stop f***ing

playing with me like that, Fallon.

So is she gonna go all the way

with that guy, right over there?

What're you, 12?

I'm just sayin'.

Oh, he's worried.

You worried about her, pops?

Well, when you actually think

about it, it is worrisome.

Okay, here's

what they don't teach you

when you buy a ticket

at the door.

Pros, do the absolute minimum.

That means, we dance

a little, talk dirty...

Finger ourselves.

Maybe a hand job.

If he can get it up, which,

more than likely, he can't.

Exactly. These guys are so

full of vodka and whatnot,

it's mostly babysitting.

That's why they call it a trick.

Professionals, rarely, if ever,

give up the cookie.

No f***ing way. Oh, my God, this

cannot be f***ing happening.

What's not happening? The guy

from the party. He's busting Nikki!

He's a f***ing cop,

we gotta get out of here.

Yeah, yeah.

Guy, drive!

What about Nikki?

Nikki's going to jail right now,

which is not where we're goin',

so you need to drive

this f***ing car

before I do it for you.

We can't leave.

What 'cause of Nikki?

F***ing drive the car!

Back the f*** up!

Let's go!

- What the f***?

- What're you doin'?

Come on, dude.

- What the f***?

- Why are you stopping?

- What are you doing?

- Keep going!

Drive forward!

What the f***?

Press the f***ing pedal!

Whoa, hey!

Go! Go! Go!

Hey!

F***!

You did not just do that!

What the f***, Tokyo Drift?

I don't see 'em in the back.

That's because

there's nobody behind us.

Tokyo Drift, you did it!

Oh, f***!

Ah...

Is everyone okay?

Not really.

What happened?

We're f***ed.

Oh my God, you guys,

jail f***ing sucks.

But on a Saturday night,

jail sucks donkey dick.

Hold on. Stop it.

No one's going to jail.

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