Amazon Women on the Moon

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1

[ Brake Sets ]

[ Humming ]

- [ Rings ]

- Hello?

No. You got

the wrong number.

Yeah, but ain't no

Thelma here, man.

[ Lounge ]

[ Blows Nose ]

[ Muttering ]

- [ Garbage Disposal Grinds ]

- [ Grunts ]

[ Choking, Whimpering ]

[ Whimpering, Screams ]

- [ Disposal Stops ]

- [ Gasping ]

[ Water Running ]

[ Water Shuts Off ]

-Jesus!

- [ Phone Rings ]

- [ Continues Ringing ]

- I'm comin'!

What? Man, there ain't

no Thelma here!

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

- [ Electricity Crackling ]

- [ Screeches ]

[ Panting ]

God.

[ TVSizzling ]

[ Creaking ]

[ Loud Crash ]

[ Phone Rings ]

[ Continues Ringing ]

- [ Ringing Stops ]

- [ Shouting ] What?

Ain't no f***in' Thelma

here, man!

Look, the b*tch don't

live here! F*** you too!

[ Screams ]

Sh*t! F***!

[ Grunts, Screams ]

[ Screaming ]

Hello. I'm Dr Warren G. Easterbrook...

Chairman of the President's

Commission on Education...

and I would like to talk to you

about an ever-growing problem--

the short attention span

of today's youth.

Weaned as they are on television,

young people today...

can't seem to pay attention

for more than a few mo--

[ Man ] Pethouse Video presents

an in-depth...

up close and personal look...

at Pethouse Plaything

Taryn Steele.

[ Woman Narrating ]

Oh, so many neat things

have happened to me in my life--

being named homecoming queen,

making the cheerleading squad.

But the neatest thing ever was

when I was recently chosen...

the Pethouse Plaything

of the Month.

But being a Plaything

hasn't changed me.

I'm still the same Taryn.

When I was first chosen,

I was, like, really immature.

But I've grown so much

since then.

I can hardly believe it's me.

I'm a beach person

and a night person.

I really feel sorry for anyone

who doesn't live in California...

'cause we've got it all--

the mountains, the sun.

And, like, there's no humidity.

It really blows me away.

Here, out of the public eye,

I can just fade into the crowd.

In New York, I get hassled all the time.

I don't understand it.

Laguna offers me

peace and solitude...

away from the pressure

of being a Plaything.

Here in Laguna,

I can just let my mind go blank.

Art is my life.

I love to browse

Laguna's art galleries...

and my dream is to one day...

have some of my things

hanging here.

But my real strength

comes from my family...

and my strong

religious upbringing.

I'll always be grateful to my mom and

dad and the values they've given me...

which help me take on

the awesome responsibilities...

of Plaything of the Month.

Selma, look at this reception.

- [ Click ]

- Beaver, did you bring home

a note from your teacher today?

Oh, no, Dad. That's one of your jokes

I haven't heard before.

- [ Woman ] Record

warm temperatures tomorrow.

- Unbelievable!

Best investment I ever made.

[ Kiss ]

[ Weathercaster Continues, Indistinct ]

[ Sighs ]

You haven't been out

of this house in two weeks.

Lows will warm up

just a bit.

What the hell has happened

to my remote?

Sunny skies

for the remainder of the day.

Murray?

Embedded in those clouds.

And here in the southern--

Excuse me, sir.

We're on the air.

Selma!

Get me out of here!

I must've pressed

the wrong button.

Murray, what are you

doing on the weather?

I don't know. Press something.

Bring me back!

Here!

[ Man ] Swung on,

and it's a high fly ball to centre field.

- Wait a minute! There's a fan on the field!

-[ Crowd Booing ]

Make me wanna stay

If this is it

- Doo wah

- Now I'm trapped in a rock video!

Anything but this!

If this ain't love

you better let me go

- If this is it

- Doo wah

Selma! Help me!

- If this ain't love, baby

- Wait. Wait.

- Selma!

- I'm looking for the booklet.

- [ Ominous ]

- Oh, no. I'm in black and white.

Where am I?

- [ Growling ]

- Selma!

[ Murray ]

Help!

Selma!

Selma!

This is what you get

for throwing out the directions.

Help! Help me!

- [ Mellow Jazz ]

- [ Gasps ]

Here you can leave me

for the night.

You should be so lucky.

- Yech!

- [ Twittering ]

- [ Chuckling ]

- Where am I?

You're on

the Disney Channel.

At least I know you won't

catch anything there.

- Fun is fun, Selma,

but I want to come home.

- [ Chuckling ] I'm trying.

[ Man ] 500 million people

are watching via satellite...

as the president and first lady deplane

for this historic Moscow visit.

They look fit and rested.

Wait a minute.

An unidentified man

has emerged from Air Force One.

He seems, believe it or not,

to be clad only in his underwear.

- The Secret Service have grabbed him.

- Where am I? I'm innocent!

- But who is he

and how did he get on board?

- I was only watching television!

- He appears to be deranged.

- Help! Selma!

[ Man ]

I'm so proud of you, Brenda...

getting through the delivery

without any anaesthetic.

Well, I had the best

Lamaze coach in the world.

When do we get to see the baby?

It's been eight hours.

Well, you remember the film

they showed us in class.

There's all kinds of tests

they have to perform on a newborn child.

- So--

- That's true.

Ah!

There's my favourite couple.

- Mr and Mrs Flanders.

- That's Landers.

Right, right. Flanders

is uraemic poisoning on 39.

- So.

- Um--

Nice stitch work,

if I say so myself.

Doctor, we'd like to see our son.

The nurses keep giving us the runaround.

I'd like nothing better

than to bring you both your son...

but have you looked around

this hospital?

There are sick people here.

I just saw this old guy in the hallway

with these gnarly scabs all over his body.

Gross me out!

[ Gags, Shudders ]

-I'm not about to expose your little Jeffrey...

-Nicholas.

to that.

- I've got a solemn oath to uphold here.

- Doctor...

Brenda and I are both

Lamaze graduates...

and we've never heard of quarantining

a healthy infant before.

Ooh, Lamaze.

Well, I forgot that you spent

three whole weekends sitting on a floor...

learning how to breathe.

I had to get by on a degree

from Harvard Medical School!

Please, it's important to us to see our child.

You've heard of bonding.

- Uh--

- Doctor.

We'd like to spend a little quality time

with our son, please.

A little quality time with your son?

That would be beautiful.

You people.

[ Scoffs ]

- What's with that guy?

- [ Woman On P.A. ]

Mrs Fernandez, front desk.

He's supposed to be

the top man in his field.

Well, when he brings in little Jeffrey,

we're going--

- Nicholas!

- [ Doctor ] Here we go.

- Here's the little tyke.

- [ Both ] Oh!

- Okay, that's enough germs.

- Wait! Wait a minute.

- We haven't even seen him yet.

- Go ahead, breathe all over him.

I don't care.

What is this, some kind

of sick practical joke?

What are you talking about?

He's got your eyes.

Take that hideous thing away.

Come on. They all

look like this at first.

You see, when the baby passes through

the birth canal, its head gets a little pointy.

He should round out

in a couple days. Promise.

That's not a baby.

That's a Mr Potato Head.

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