American Crude Page #3

you were wrangling a dime out of a

stripper's ass with your canine teeth.

That doesn't count.

You know how I used to get

when I got wasted.

You were the life

of the f***ing party.

You know what? That wasn't me.

That was the booze, the blow.

That was before I got married.

You're not married.

Engaged. You know what I mean.

I don't know what you mean.

That's the point of this thing.

We're celebrating

the last of your singledom.

JOHNNY:
I will guarantee the girls

know how to have a send-off.

They make us out

to be the animals,

but they want it

worse than we do.

Indiscriminate seed,

it's in their biology.

I saw something

on Animal Planet about that.

They go into heat like dogs.

Like b*tches, right?

That's right, Phil.

It's a proven theory, accepted in

the majority of scientific circles.

Men want sex, women need the seed.

And if you can't keep...

the high, hard one coming, she's

going to be looking elsewhere.

Well, I got no problems there.

- Yeah, you're a regular stud, are you?

-(CHUCKLES)

Olivia and I make love

every night, no matter what.

Bullshit, you do not.

Give me a f***ing break.

No couple makes

love every night.

You got a better chance

to win the lottery...

and get struck by lightning

on your way to cash the ticket.

Hate to burst your cynical

bubble, Johnny, but, yes, we do.

Olivia and I make

love every night.

- What about when you're fighting?

- Doesn't matter.

What about if she's got a cold or

she's got a bronchial infection?

At the first sign of a sniffle,

I cut Jane off from

all physical contact.

I don't catch cooties to prove I love her.

I'm sensitive enough...

not to bump uglies

when she's sick.

You always do this.

You jump all over

one trivial thing

and just run it into the ground.

It's what I do, I'm a litigator.

I'm just going to turn around.

Wait, you can't go back.

Why not?

The girls are back there,

and they got it going on.

What are they doing?

That is one funky-ass,

psychedelic sunset.

You should see

the sunsets in Cuba.

You remember Cuba?

You never forget

your first sunset.

So how'd you...?

How'd you get out of there?

How'd you get out of Cuba?

My mother. She sold her sex

on the streets of Havana...

to get money to send me

and my aunts to the States.

She said she would come,

but she never did.

And then we came to Miami,

and we meet a man.

Enrique.

And he take us here.

He was a bad man.

Made us promises,

made a whore of my aunt...

and when he tried

to do it to me, I escaped.

And he found me.

And him and Spence...

they did bad things to me.

(TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

That's what all this

firepower's for?

Mmm-hmm.

Wait, you said something

about some money.

You said we were going to be

breaking the bank tonight.

We are. Enrique and his brother,

they're the ones with the money.

Ah.

It's a full moon.

And the full moon

brings out the lunatics.

(SPINKS CHUCKLES)

Lunatics!

(BOTH GRUNTING)

(BOTH PANTING)

(DOOR BELL RINGS)

My Yankee Doodle Dandy.

Who is it?

Mr. Grand, it's me, Manny.

Oh, Manny.

Come in.

What the hell is that?

It's a surprise.

Ta-da.

Ta-da what?

It's a lamb.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

It's a sheep.

You want to tell me what

it's doing in my apartment?

You told me to bring you a lamb.

That was a metaphor.

What's a metaphor?

A comparison

not using "like" or "as."

By "lamb" I meant "girl."

A young girl.

It's just that... You showed me that movie.

I figured...

I mean, you said people get off on...

What you call it?

Bestiality?

Yeah. Exactly.

So we brought the lamb.

So you want me to... (CHUCKLES)

film you having your way with it?

(SCOFFS)

Not me.

Julio here's gonna do it.

So you want me to pay you to

film your one-eyed friend...

fornicating

with a dead sheep.

Necrophilia meets bestiality.

(CHUCKLES)

She ain't dead, she's sleeping.

Watch.

(BLEATS)

Get back here, you wooly b*tch.

Hey. Watch the table.

MR. GRAND:

Get that thing out of here.

Get him out of here! Get that

thing out of my apartment.

(MANNY SCREAMS)

Watch the... Watch the table.

Goddamn it. Goddamn. Stop it!

Get him, Julio.

Get him out of here, goddamn it.

Grab him!

(GRUNTS)

YeHit it..

Get...

Oh.

(PANTING)

Clean hit. No blood.

She's sleeping like a baby.

And when she comes to,

she'll be easy as pie.

We just prop her up and Julio

buries the meat puppet.

What the f***?

(WHISPERS)

So what? What does it matter

if it's a he or a she?

I ain't no homo.

(SPEAKING IN SPANISH)

You would f*** a girl sheep,

but not a boy sheep.

I would not f*** a boy.

But you would f*** a sheep.

Gentlemen, could you please

curb your language?

My lovely wife is right there,

and she may seem out of it...

but believe me, she doesn't

miss a f***ing thing.

Manny,

could you come here a second?

Would you tell your one-eyed

friend to wait in the car?

Look, Julio, why don't you go

on down and wait in the car?

Oh, and, Julio,

take the sheep with you.

Sit down, Manny.

(SIGHS)

Now Hmm.ny...

I like you.

You have imagination.

But if we are going

to work together,

it is imperative

that you understand...

the delicate balance

of supply and demand.

Eighty percent of the population

like the kind of things...

that they find

on the Playboy Channel.

Sexy, sometimes even a little

rough, but always romantic.

There's about another 15 to 17

percent that like the nasty sh*t.

S&M, bondage, role-playing,

strap-ons.

They like it somewhat sick, but

they like it done tastefully.

The other three to five percent,

the clientele that I cater to...

they want a rush.

They want it illegal, they

want it nastier than nasty.

This audience

is comprised mostly of men,

as you might have guessed.

Men who have their

primal roots firmly in hand.

But even they, God bless their

pagan souls, have their limits.

No sheep?

No man wants to watch

another man f*** a sheep.

This is something

I'd never realized.

I'm not surprised.

And what do you

think my clientele

would like to see

upon that screen?

A beautiful woman?

No, Manny.

A girl. A beautiful girl.

Like Hollywood, right?

They make all that sick sh*t

with them teen b*tches...

because that's what sells.

That's right, Manny.

We're talking box office here.

(TOILET FLUSHING)

Oh, now, that's

what I'm talking about, baby.

Oh, shut up.

Why don't you put

the toilet seat down, huh?

Don't start with that sh*t.

Why don't you ever put it up?

Every time I go to take a piss,

the toilet seat is down.

- And?

- Why should I put it down for you...

when you don't have the

decency to put it up for me?

R-E-S-P-E-C-T.

That's why you open the door.

I am woman, hear me roar.

Yeah, yeah,

well, check this out, woman...

if each one of us took

responsibility for our own sh*t...

we'd be better off.

You got everything?

I am locked and loaded, baby.

(CLUB MUSIC PLAYING)

(CROWD CHEERING)

(TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

All right, come here.

Hey, Courtney, three Cuervo.

Check out those hooters.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes