American Crude Page #5

We gotta get off the stree t before

that b*tch tracks our asses down.

Why would she be after us?

We're witnesses.

Don't worry, my place

is just around the corner.

MAN:
No need to see your

brother like that.

SAM:

What the f*** happened, Joe?

I'm sorry, Sammy.

His piece is missing. IDs?

The hooker's is a fake,

the john's

is a match with the car.

We already got

an APB out on him.

What's his name?

Fox. William Fox.

Listen, Joey,

you find out anything new...

you make sure

I'm the first to know. Got it?

Come in.

To what do we owe this honor?

I was in town doing

some business, and l...

Wanted to you see your daddy?

(CHUCKLES)

And Mom.

She's watching TV, I'm sure

she'd love to see you.

Come on.

Mother, we have

a surprise for you.

You two have a chat, and I'll

get you a vase for the flowers.

(DOOR CLOSES)

Hi, Mom.

I know it can't be too easy

for you here.

I want you to know I'm doing everything

I can to get you out of here.

MR. GRAND:
Here you go.

You always did

have a way with flowers.

Such an odd quality for a boy.

Well, I'm not your average boy.

You can say that again. (LAUGHS)

If anything happens

to her again, I'll kill you.

Okay.

Maybe you should say

good night to Mama.

We're expecting guests.

Having a little soiree.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

I'll get it.

Oh, my.

Look at that.

Looking lovely.

Olivia?

There's an officer

here to see you.

Are you the fiancee

of William Fox?

I am.

It's about your boyfriend.

Bill? Is there a problem?

Yes.

Yes, there is a problem.

Because once you go black,

you never go back.

(GIRLS CHEERING)

Will you hold this for me

for a second?

Yeah. Sure. Why not?

I'm already an outlaw.

Hurry it up,

this is uncomfortable.

I can't pee with you

standing there looking.

Well, I can't turn

any more than this.

There's nothing you've got

that I haven't seen.

Hey.

For f***'s sake!

Jesus Christ.

You're not a girl.

That's a matter of opinion.

You pissed all over me.

Some people pay me for that.

Hey, what the f***

is your problem?

What is my problem?

Let's see,

I've been arrested...

I watched a cop get murdered

by some psycho b*tch

who tried to kill me.

And to top it off

I'm handcuffed to a woman...

who's got

a bigger dick than I do.

Do you have a problem

with my dick?

With my dipstick?

With my power tool?

Yeah, I think that

just about covers it.

My throbbing membrane?

My soap on a rope?

Shut the f*** up...

or I'll knock you out and

drag you to the police station.

If you didn't want the banana, you

shouldn't have shaken the tree.

All I did was

ask for directions.

The rest was all your fault, what

you did to me, you f***ing freak.

Freak? It's people like you...

who make it impossible for people

like me to live in this world.

(GROANS)

I am more man than

you will ever be.

And more woman

than you will ever get.

(CLUB MUSIC PLAYING)

What's up, big man?

Opposite of down.

We got a deal?

No. He wants more. 50,000.

F*** that, they said 25.

I told you that was

a ballpark figure.

I'm just the middleman

on this one.

If you want

a new life in paradise,

you have to come up

with the full amount.

Give me the money.

Here you go.

Okay.

You got my passports?

Yeah.

George and

Louise Jefferson, huh?

You are a f***ing comic.

Congratulations, you finally

got a piece of the pie.

Yeah.

Enjoy your new life in paradise.

You know, if this doesn't work,

I'm taking you down with me.

Good to see you too.

Glad to help.

Come on, let's go.

Let's get out of here.

Good luck to you.

No, I can't do that.

Just get me some ice.

Trust me, there's

nothing like a steak.

Just get me some ice.

I don't understand

why you're so resistant.

It's so widely known,

it's a cliche.

If you want a black eye to heal

properly, you put a steak on it.

Let's just say

I got a soft spot for animals.

I'll take my chances

with the ice.

You really are a p*ssy,

aren't you, Bill?

What are you, a vegetarian?

Oh, if choosing not to eat

animals makes me a p*ssy...

then yes, I guess I am.

You are a piece of work.

I need your phone.

Oh, what are you doing?

I'm calling the police.

No, you don't want to do that.

Give me the phone.

Stop.

You need to face the fact

that you...

That we are big news.

We are involved

in the murder

of one of the city's finest.

If we show up downtown...

there are gonna be reporters

and photographers all over.

And your face is going to be plastered

all over the papers tomorrow.

It might be in your interest...

not to be handcuffed

to a transsexual prostitute...

with a rap sheet

longer than her ding-dong.

I have a friend who lives

upstairs, he's a handyman.

Once he gets

these handcuffs off us...

you get to do

whatever you want.

Oh, God.

Hey, thanks for

coming, you guys.

Hey, I'll walk you up.

Bye.

Bye.

Oh, okay, honey.

I'll call you, okay?

Drive safe.

Bye, bye-bye. Bye.

Man, I thought

they'd be back by now.

Oh, they'll be back soon.

Come on, go relax.

Well, I may just

help you clean up.

No, don't worry about that.

Come on, let's just

kick back for a little while.

What do you eat, Bill,

since you don't eat meat?

Good God,

give it a rest, will you?

Do you eat rice,

do you eat broccoli,

do you eat vegetables?

What exactly is it

that gives you your power?

Spinach.

(GASPS) Spinach?

Yes, spinach.

You know, my arms blow up,

I toot my pipe.

Then the bad guys

take it up the ass.

You're talking my language.

Why is it okay to eat spinach?

It's a plant,

or a bush or something.

It's not a conscious being

with a conscious life.

Then why do they move

toward the sun?

It's warm and

that's how they grow.

Well, but how do they do that?

These plants you gobble up with

such a clear conscience...

how do they know to do that

if they have no consciousness?

Because that's how God

made the earth.

They are programmed to grow, so

that we have something to eat.

So we don't have to eat animals.

But animals kill

other animals and

don't think twice

about eating them.

How does your God

feel about that?

That's different,

they're animals,

they don't know any better.

God forgives them.

Well, if animals are

so goddamn stupid and cruel,

why not just eat them...

and get rid of the useless

bastards once and for all?

Why not rid the earth

of every single...

stupid, unconscious,

meat-eating motherf***er...

who doesn't have the sense

to understand?

Look, I don't want to play any

more of your goddamn mind games.

Is that what your God intended

when he created ice, Bill?

Was it made for you and your

eye and for the swelling?

Was it for you?

God made it for me so that I could

do whatever the hell I want.

So why don't you give me

some f***ing ice?

I'll just get it myself.

So it is foretold,

the ice man cometh.

There's no ice. Where's the ice?

There is no ice, Bill. (GASPS)

Do you feel let down, that

your God has deserted you...

because of your

meat-eating lust for flesh?

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