American Crude Page #6

Is your God punishing you?

You f***ing fruitcake.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Saved by the bell.

MR. GRAND:
Who is it?

Yo, it's Manny.

I think I got what's

a new discovery for you.

Her name is Tammy.

Come in.

(DOOR BUZZES)

MAN:
Two, three, four.

(PLAYING SLOW SONG)

Bourbon?

BARTENDER:
Yo, buddy.

Thanks.

(WHIRRING)

MAN ON TV:
Back to the same

thing as you are, son.

MAN 2 ON TV:

Want to draw straws?

Not this time,

this means too much.

How are we gonna handle it,

take turns?

I don't trust you Southern

boys in the moonlight.

All right, let's ask it again.

Popcorn?

Want some popcorn?

Hot buttery popcorn.

It's good for your colon.

Want some popcorn?

Kiss him. Kiss him.

Shut up, colonel.

Oh, Johnny,

good boy.

No wires.

Holy cow.

Twenty-five thousand,

it's clean.

And how are George and Louise?

Jeffersons?

They're moving on up.

You know, Johnny, I always say,

money talks.

And bullshit walks.

You sure you don't want

any popcorn?

So tell me,

what agency are you with?

Oh, I don't have one.

I'm just beginning.

Oh, well, then,

I don't usually work

with unsolicited talent.

Unsolicited?

I don't... What is that?

Talent.

Artists like yourself...

who aren't represented

by a major agency.

Oh, I didn't know. I'm sorry.

Of course,

this is

a non-union production...

and if you

photograph anywhere near

as good as you look...

we could always

Taft-Hartley you.

Oh, yeah, that guy Taft.

He was like the president,

or the pope or something.

He certainly was.

Well, who was he?

What did he do?

He made it possible for unsolicited

talent like yourself...

to override the system if

an accomplished

artist-slash-producer...

like myself, is so inspired

by your physical attributes...

and the sheer

electricity of you...

that he decides to make you

an immediate member of the club.

How does that happen?

Oh, well,

I've got seniority, babe.

I'm union. And when I shoot

you, you'll be union.

Really? Oh, my God.

Okay, what is it about me?

I mean, why me?

You are beautiful.

One of a kind, trust me.

How old are you?

I'm 17.

Oh, this is freaky.

This shoot is for

Seventeen magazine.

No way.

Way.

Oh, my God, that's unbelievable.

I don't believe it either.

I guess it was meant to be.

Okay.

I'll do it.

Let's do it.

Well, then, time's a-wasting.

Let's skedaddle.

Okay.

Your wardrobe is in the bathroom

at the end of the hall.

The white lacy

one at the far end

will be the closest

to your size.

Just go ahead and change and then

we'll take some photos, okay?

Okey-doke.

Okey-doke.

So you had a little run-in

with the pigs, did you?

Yeah, I guess

you could say that.

What makes them think they can tell

a man what he can or can't do...

with his own dick?

It was a mistake.

- How's that?

- I was just asking for directions.

From her.?

That's a little

insensitive. "Her,"

and point like that.

She has a name.

I'm sorry to say we haven't

been properly introduced.

Well, perhaps I can be of a little

service in this department.

Gigi, this is...

What's your name there, Oswald?

Bill.

Oh, well done.

Gigi, this is Bill. Bill, Gigi.

Pleasure to meet you, Bill.

Are you almost done yet?

Somebody's got

ants in their pants.

I spent the last two hours

flushing my life

down the toilet.

I think I've got to

be edgy, don't you?

Don't be dragging me

into it there, cowboy.

I am just an innocent bystander.

Watch out for your

wrist right now.

(YELLS) Goddamn it!

You cut me, man.

Had a tetanus shot lately?

Trust me, that is the least

of my problems.

I'm calling the police.

You know, Jim, I've had

a really rough night...

and maybe I could just

take a rain check,

just this once. Because I just

wanna take a bath and rela...

All right, fine, but we're

doing it at your place.

Fair enough. I don't wanna

get down and dirty

in front of him, anyway.

Got way too many hang-ups.

No, I can't.

Come on,

all the kids are doing it.

Okay, yeah,

first base, that's it.

Oh, come on,

that's not fair, is it?

It's been three months

since Puerto Vallarta.

Come on.

I want you.

God, I want you too.

Yeah.

(CHUCKLES)

I love you.

Me too, you.

Okay. Yeah, I can't do this.

I just don't understand this.

Is this because you're engaged?

Getting married?

I'm pregnant.

Yeah.

And you don't even know

the half of it, honey.

We gotta talk.

Hello?

(GASPS)

(MURMURS)

Hello.

Hell(GASPS)elf.

Hi. Where's Manny?

I sent him out for some pizza.

Come.

Let's paint that pretty little face

of yours before he comes back.

Oh, don't worry about her.

That's just my wife.

We'll have a snack later. Come.

Meddler.

(MURMURS)

(PHONE RINGS)

Sam here. Joey? What do you got?

Scumbag called it in himself?

Where are they?

Give me 30 minutes

before you move on him.

(POLICE SIREN WAILING)

Look at that mouth of yours.

The perfect pout.

Everything okay, Tammy?

I feel kind of strange.

You're probably

just a little bit nervous.

Here, take a sip of your soda.

All better?

Are you done?

Not quite yet.

There it is.

The face that launched

a thousand ships.

Beautiful, no?

I look kind of, you know, sad.

And beautiful.

That's the look that sells.

The tortured teen

with a tender heart.

It's what

they're all looking for

and you've got it in spades.

You really think so?

I really do.

Of course, the real

proof of the pudding...

will be to see

how you look on film.

( Okay.)

WhoPolice. u?

- Wow, I didn't expect you here that quickly.

- Obviously.

I found this in your pocket.

Oh, yeah. That was the cop's.

I took it for protection.

From who?

That psycho b*tch

who killed him.

The one you picked up?

No, the other one.

- So where's your hooker?

- She's upstairs having sex with Jim.

He's the handyman.

That's how she pays him.

For whatever.

I mean, tonight he cut off

our handcuffs with that saw.

She goes up,

she blows him. I don't know.

Why do you have

that steak on your head?

It's on my eye. She, he,

the hooker, Gigi...

the girl with the dick

sucker-punched me.

Arrest me, take me downtown

and I'll answer all

the questions you want.

Hello there, Billy-boy.

Did you happen to lose a little

card with your number on it?

You rocked my world tonight.

I just wanted to tell you, you've

never done me like that before.

I hope you

enjoyed your big gulp.

Toodle-oo, kiss, kiss.

How'd it work out for you?

A little tight in the

shoulders, but it was a kick.

Well, I'm glad to hear it.

I forgot my saw.

No, don't worry.

Not with him up there.

You can get it tomorrow.

Righty-o.

So, what's it gonna be?

How about a

hot sausage and mayo?

Coming right up.

(UNZIPS)

Holy cow.

You're a real f***ing scumbag,

aren't you?

You cop-killing scum.

Cop-killing what?

That was my baby brother.

I d (CLOCK RINGS)one.

(BOTH GROANING)

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Okay, Tammy.

Lights,

camera,

bubbles,

action.

Come on, Tammy,

put on your dancing shoes

and let's see what you got.

Up on your feet.

Thattagirl.

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