American Dirtbags

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- My name is Larry banking.

But don't be fooled by

that pollack last name,

I'm about as American as

fake tits and cheap beer.

Now I ain't gonna lie to y'all,

I'm pretty f***ed right now,

and I'm damn sure this

big son of a b*tch

ain't fixin' to let me

catch my breath neither.

Hell, I can't say I blame him.

I probably shouldn't have

been f***ing his wife,

especially after I found out

his nickname was Bigfoot.

I guess I'm gonna be dyin'

young, just like my daddy.

Except he was droppin' a deuce,

nine 8-balls in on a

two day coke binge,

he had himself a heart attack

on the god damn commode.

Now I never heard him

say it or nothin',

but I bet you that's

how he wanted to go.

Just like Elvis.

After daddy died,

we were so poor,

we didn't have two nickels to

rub together to start a fire.

Course, that ain't

how you start a fire.

- But I'd appreciate

it if you guys

wouldn't be a**holes

today, all right?

- Mamma lost the

trailer, so we moved in

with uncle Ronny.

He wasn't no uncle.

That dude was the DJ

from the strip club

she started dancin' at.

- Ya'll gonna have to share

that couch 'til your mama

cleans out that room with

all the cat sh*t in it.

- Don't be shitheads to

your uncle Ronny, all right?

- Damn right, all right.

Watchin' you, boy.

- Come to think of it,

I think he was selling

ecstasy or something, too.

As soon as I could get

out, I was gone, boy.

Moved my country

ass to the big city.

They call Atlanta new

York of the south,

Phoenix city.

That damn burnin' bird is

on god damn everything.

During the civil war it was

a major military supply hub.

Had Sherman not burned that

son of a b*tch to the ground,

we might be living in the

confederate states of America.

Just sayin'.

First job I got

was at a porn shop.

Now I'd seen porno, hell,

everybody gotta release

the demon sometime.

- You got anything where

the woman dominates the man

by making him wear a horse mask

and then kicking him in the

balls repeatedly until he pukes?

- I wasn't ready for that sh*t

uh...

Now, granted, I was sheltered.

I was born and raised

in Gainesville, Georgia,

the poultry capital

of the world.

But I'd seen spank

mags and stuff.

Hell, Ronny had a

serious porn stash,

one that might rival

the most compulsive

of the compulsive masturbators.

This was something else,

I couldn't do that sh*t.

Hell, no.

Hey.

Hey, heard you guys are hiring?

- Ok

- I'm serious, I need to work.

- White boy, you

must be trippin'.

- No, I'll do anything

you guys need me to do.

- All right, start

pickin' up these leaves.

All right, guys, break time.

- He might make it past lunch,

but he won't be back tomorrow.

His nose gonna be so runny.

- Aw, man, he ain't

got no hat, man.

Dude got no coat!

- Nobody thought I'd last two

days out there on that roof.

I worked that job for

five f***ing years.

We actually ended

up being friends.

In fact, my boy Richard's

sister introduced me

to this girl named Stephanie.

Hello.

We hit it off, man, fast.

Maybe a little too fast.

She got pregnant,

we got married.

She had a miscarriage,

we got divorced.

Best move of my f***ing life.

Never forget that when

you marry someone,

it ain't just them,

it's their entire

god damn family you're

gettin' hitched to.

And her family was f***ing nuts.

Her daddy was a taxidermist,

he had a whole room

with all kinds of

weird sh*t in it,

possums, dressed-up raccoons,

I think he had a f***ing

buffalo, you name it.

It's creepy as hell

and dead as f***,

her daddy got a stuffed one.

Something ain't right

with a man who gets off

playin' with dead things he

finds on the side of the road.

Her mama was just as bad,

except she was a religious nut

two steps away from

being that psycho mother

in that movie Carrie.

And I'm talkin' about the

one with sissy Spacek,

not that shitty remake with

the b*tch from kick-ass.

- Oh father in

heaven, lord of lords,

king of kings,

oh divine benevolence,

root of David,

sweet lion of the

tribe of Judah,

bless our food and

forgive us our sins,

for we know we our

horrible, evil sinners

who deserve to have

our eyes plucked out,

and our souls cast into

the fiery trenches of hell,

to be slowly cooked alive

and sodomized by Lucifer

and his many legions of

demons forever and ever.

Amen.

- Amen.

- Amen.

- All right,

who's ready for dinner?

This looks delicious.

- After the divorce was final,

I moved in with this dude

I found online, Harvey.

- What up, bro, welcome

to the titty tent.

Hope you brought penicillin.

- He was a

p*ssy-hound, boy,

chicks were coming in

and out of our apartment

like we was having

a f***ing fire sale.

I don't know what that dude

was doing, but whatever it was,

it was working.

He was gettin' so much tail,

that sh*t was tricklin'

down on to me.

It was like god damn

Reaganomics except with p*ssy.

Gettin' laid was great and all,

but I was broke as a joke, boy.

I was still doin' roofing,

and I wasn't paying too much

for my room with Harvey,

but that b*tch lawyer

got me by the balls

during the divorce.

- We won't be satisfied

until we have his nuts.

- What, oh no, be reasonable,

they weren't even together

for very long.

- Be reasonable, is that what

lawyering is to you, Jack?

- Yes.

- Reasonable?

You know what's reasonable,

leaving you, like your wife did.

That's reasonable, you know

what else is reasonable?

I don't want just his nuts,

I want your nuts, too.

You remember what nuts are Jack,

those are those two

things in your throat

that you have to cough

up every once in awhile.

And I want your dick, your

little shriveled up baby dick

that you can't get hard anymore.

So take your little boy hands,

and reach into your diaper

that you're shitting

yourself in right now

and pull out your baby

dick and cough up your nuts

and let's make a deal.

- Yes ma'am.

- Are you f***ing

cryin', right now?

- No.

- Do you wanna go get pizza?

Me, too, thanks guys.

- I wouldn't be

surprised if she went home

at night and took cute

little innocent puppies

and drowned 'em in

her f***ing tub.

I hope that cold-hearted

b*tch gets mauled

by a god damn mountain lion.

Sh*t was gettin' rough.

Sometimes I was payin'

for gas and smokes

with change I

found in the couch.

- Hey, mister?

- - Yeah, buddy?

- Will you buy me a six-pack?

- No.

- - Hold on,

a six-pack is worth,

what, eight bucks?

I'll give you thirty

bucks, keep the change.

- Now I ain't tryin'

to be a bad guy,

and I ain't tryin' to be

a bad influence, neither,

but I just figured, f*** it.

Yeah, all right.

- Yes.

- Next thing I knew, I had

a little business goin'.

And business was boomin' boy.

All right, now normally

the 40s are 20,

I'm sold out of

six-packs right now,

you can get a fifth for

$50 or a handle for 100.

On account of it

bein' the holidays,

I'm doin' a 20% discount,

what you guys want?

- I want a beer

- whiskey.

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