American Dirtbags Page #2

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- Word spread like a

damn field fire in California.

In just two months, I was

supplyin' teenagers with booze

in six different

counties, for real, man.

Now try to keep in mind,

I wasn't tryin' to

do nothin' wrong,

it's not like I was sellin'

drugs to little kids.

Hell, I don't even

mess with drugs, man,

and god knows I could have

gotten into that sh*t.

I tried it once or

twice, I didn't like it.

My brother Victor,

though, took to that sh*t

like a fish to f***ing water.

- 20 bucks.

- Yeah, yeah, bro, this

sh*t better be good.

Last sh*t you gave me wasn't.

- When he was a

teenager, he started stealing

from Ronny's stash and

selling it at school.

He'd be tripping out if I

told him what I started doin'.

I quit my job and went

full-time booze bandit.

It was excitin', man.

I felt like Bo and Luke

Duke runnin' from boss hog.

Minus the shitty blue jeans

and faggy hair, no offense.

Those Vietnamese dudes

at the liquor store

must have thought I was

a serious alcoholic,

I was blowin' a

thousand dollars a week,

and not on expensive

sh*t, neither.

Life was pretty kick-ass, I

was making hand-over fist money

and was still bangin'

tons of chicks.

- Bro, got this mad kinky

b*tch in my room right now,

- sh*t is going crazy.

- - Hell, yeah.

- She's lettin' me

f*** her like Anthony Bourdain,

- f***ing no reservations.

- - Nice.

- The sh*t's good.

Here's the thing, though, she's

like a little bit married.

- Harvey.

- Here's the funny

part, her husband,

- his nickname's Bigfoot.

- - No.

- Here's the funnier

part, she wants you and me

to f*** her together.

- Man, I don't think

I'm interested in

f***ing somebody's wife.

- Dude, come on, it's not a

third-party's responsibility

to make sure that your

girlfriend isn't a whore.

Now let's go f***

this dude's wife.

- One thing I could

say about Harvey,

he always made a good point.

But if I had to

pinpoint the moment

that sh*t spun totally

out of control,

this was definitely it.

Her appearances started

to become more frequent.

Sometimes I'd f*** her,

sometimes Harvey'd have a

go, but most of the time

she wanted to be plugged

like a damn electric socket

you were trying to keep

the kids from touchin'.

But today,

that sh*t was not her.

Huh?

- Motherf***er, huh, you

like to f*** people's wives?

- Who the f*** are you, what

the f*** are you talking about?

- You like to f***

people's wives?

- Now I ain't exactly

sure how he found out,

but with a wife like that, you

know you would be suspicious.

Harvey was right, though.

It wasn't no third-party's

responsibility to make sure

that your wife isn't a whore.

But what he left out is if

you go porkin' someone's wife,

just know that one day you

might have to fight that dude.

And when that day comes, that

son of a b*tch might kill you.

But like I said,

I can't blame him.

Probably shouldn't have

been f***ing his wife.

- My name is Alaina Sage.

I know it looks like I'm being

a total mega-b*tch right now,

but trust me, this

a**hole deserves it.

He said his name was

Jimmy, but who knows.

I told him my name was Melissa.

Guys like him are animals.

They only want one thing, p*ssy.

And once they have

their little squirt,

then they want you to

just, like, f*** off.

And sometimes without even

giving you any cab money.

Well, Mr. blonde hair found

out that this p*ssy costs

a little more than, like, a

few watered-down vodka tonics.

- Hey, whoa, hey.

- Unh, please.

I'll never forget the first

a**hole that burned me.

All night long, all he did

was talk about all the game

the other guys were spitting

and how he was different.

He wasn't just trying

to get in my pants,

he thought we had a connection.

Harvey Schindler.

And I f***ed him, thinking

he was telling the truth.

Thinking he was going to call me

and that it would blossom

into like, a steamy romance.

Love at first sight.

And one day we would tell

our kids it's how we met.

- Hey, sweetie, I'm home.

- - Hi, honey.

- Oh, come

here, how was your day?

Oh, where's the rest of my

perfect biracial family?

Mason, Dixie, daddy's home!

- Da, da!

- Hey, you guys!

I gotta get a

picture of you guys,

oh my goodness.

Get in with mommy.

You guys look

amazing, you ready?

Say cheese.

- Cheese.

- Oh my god, your

dad's gonna love these.

If you know who that is.

Oh my god, this is amazing,

you're like a model

without the eating disorder.

Mmm, I'm gonna show

this to everyone.

Well, I gotta get out of

here, smells a lot like jizz.

Ma'am.

- Like, how

f***ing nave could I be?

And if the fact that I

walked all the way back

to my dorm room, like, totally

humiliated wasn't enough,

that dickless little prick

posted the picture online

and turned it into like a

f***ing game or whatever.

- Stupid b*tch.

- And that sh*t blew up.

- Holy sh*t, dude,

check this out.

- Holy f***, I've got

biology with her, man.

- Dude, I totally f***ed her.

- No way, man.

- Why you gotta lie about

stuff like that, man?

- Overnight, people

started making

their own versions, and

by the end of the week,

I was, like, ruined.

I mean, some of them, like,

really hurt my feelings.

Everyone started

thinking I was, like,

a total airhead, nympho

slut or something.

I don't think I talked to anyone

for the rest of the semester.

But that didn't stop

these a**holes, mmpmm.

They just kept right on being

the needle-prick little shits

that I thought that they were.

You f***ing kidding me?

And like at first, I thought

I was being singled out.

Like I was being punished

for, like, being a b*tch

back in high school

or something.

- She sent you a tit pic?

- Dude, I got twat

shots, too, bro.

- You guys ready to eat?

- Man, I been eating

p*ssy all day.

- Well I hope you saved

room for our tacos.

- Dude, we're gonna

need a few minutes, man.

- No problem.

- - I like that guy.

- I do too, he

looks like my dick.

So, are you f***in' her?

- Of course, I'm

f***in' her, man,

this chick's like my

personal skeet trap, bro.

- My man, boom.

- Yeah, last night I'm

f***in' her face, right,

so I pop my dick

out of her mouth,

and then I shove her head

down to my butt hole,

she's down there just

making out with my ass

for like, 15 minutes,

dude, she comes up,

she says, like, "when's

it gonna be my turn?"

I'm like, b*tch,

this is your turn,

oh, nailed it.

- It was awesome.

- - You told her.

- I did, I told her

what was up, flipped her over,

I got my brown belt, mmm, mmm.

- One day, everything

just, like clicked.

Guys are all just

stupid, disgusting,

self-absorbed f***ing pigs.

They weren't just doing

this to me, mmpmm,

they were doing this

to, like, all womankind,

and they always have been.

I can't believe it took

me so long to wake up.

And listen, now I know I'm

starting to sound like some

butch, dick-hating dyke,

so let me take a second

to make it totally clear,

I'm so not a lesbian.

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