American Dirtbags Page #3

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I, like, definitely put that

dildo care basket to use.

I even had little

names for them all.

There's Justin Timberdick,

Ryan Ballsling,

Jackie Changilingus,

he was little, but

he could kick ass.

And, of course, my favorite,

big daddy Kane.

Now some people might

think I was being

a total drama queen about

it, but like, what the f***?

Guys should not be able

to treat us like that

and get off Scot-free,

like for real.

They just get to be

total chauvinist a**holes

and society is like, it's

whatever, that's just like,

how guys are.

I say, f*** that sh*t.

Someone needed to teach these

fucktards how to act right.

Hey, so sorry, I couldn't

help but overhear

all this throat-f***ing talk.

- Oh, sh*t, yeah.

- - So hot.

- What's up, that

was me, I f*** throats.

- I bet you have a big old dick.

- Yeah, all right, you,

you are correct, yeah.

- He's hung like a horse.

- All right, yeah,

welcome to the smash pad

- oh, yeah.

- - Oh, sh*t,

girl, I knew you were a freak

but you don't waste any time.

All right, yeah, get

that belt off, damn.

I'm gonna have to take

a selfie, soon, whoa.

- I'll admit, at first,

I didn't know exactly

what I was doing.

But I, I, it just felt like

it was my calling to do it.

- So f***ing good,

I'm f***ing ready, baby,

do it, baby.

Oh, oh, you f***ing b*tch!

- My heart was pounding,

my endorphins shot

through the roof, like,

I had tried some drugs before,

I even tried ecstasy once,

but this, this was the

highest I'd ever been

in my entire life.

How's it feel to be helpless

and afraid, you f***ing prick?

I felt like a hero,

like I was a vigilante

for all womankind.

Of course, I got

kicked out of school,

that was like a total buzz kill.

In fact, I got arrested.

My parents were super-pissed,

but what do they expect?

You think preacher's

kids are messed up?

Mine were missionaries,

I didn't even call them.

They were both

just so sheltered,

I knew they wouldn't

understand this.

Like one time, I came home drunk

- when I was 16.

- - We didn't raise

- you this way.

- - You would have

sworn that the world was ending.

- We brought her all

the way from Zimbabwe

and look what she's done to us.

- I know, I know, your mother

and I are disappointed.

You can see how

disappointed she is,

and if you multiply that by 10,

and bury it inside of yourself,

that is how I feel

about what you've done.

Disappointment and anger.

It's Disa, it's primarily,

disappointment is the frosting

on the cake of the anger

I have in my heart

for you right now.

- You have cake?

I saw you, I saw the

neighbors see you,

I saw your mother, we all

saw each other, and that

is when I baked

that cake of anger.

We're taking a break,

we're done for now

while you take a cold shower,

your mother and I are still

gonna be at it out here.

If that makes you

feel any worse.

- You learn really, really

weird things in jail.

Like if you wrap a paper clip

around the end of a pencil,

and put like a piece of

toilet paper in there.

Sparks, flame, cigarette, right?

- You're smokin'

- we're smokin'.

- You are smokin'

- we're smokin'.

F***, f***!

F***, help!

- Sarah saved my life.

If it wasn't for that girl,

I would like totally be dead.

And like, I would never have

the chance to find my calling.

- Somebody help!

- I was resuscitated

and spent the next three

days in the boom-boom room.

And like, all I was trying

to do was light a cigarette.

Jail is so super f***ing gay.

When I got out, my parents

totally cut me off.

Like, they wouldn't pay my

cell phone bill or anything.

But you know, I

wouldn't be surprised

if Joan of ark's parents

cut her off, too.

I wasn't out of

jail for two weeks

before some creep

pulled some sh*t.

- You know, I am

just dying to know

what a beautiful, ebony,

Princess like yourself

is doing in a bar

by yourself, huh?

It's awful, hey, let me

get one of those, too.

Thank you.

- I could tell

right away this guy

was gonna be a major douche bag.

But at the same time,

I, like, needed some major dick.

- Feel that white power?

- Kind of.

- Oh my god.

- F*** me like it's 1847.

- Jesus, holy sh*t, oh god, ok.

Wow, that was great, thank you.

You're awesome, good job.

Wow.

You have some fantastic p*ssy,

and don't worry, we

will do this again,

but, you know what time it is.

Wifey time, unfortunately.

- I'm sorry, what'd you say?

- My wife.

- You have a f***ing wife?

- Yeah, really?

You know the game,

how do you spell Uber?

- You brought me back to

your house and f***ed me

in the bed that you

share with your wife?

Where's your pictures at,

you're not even wearing a ring.

- Ok, all right, cab maybe?

- Oh my god.

- Phone's not working.

Where's your phone, you

got a phone, don't you?

Just gotta get you, a...

- you are such a

motherf***er, I swear.

- Oh my god.

- - Yeah, you gotta go,

- seriously, sorry.

- - You, f*** you.

Ok?

F*** you, motherf***er.

How dare you bring me back

to your f***ing house,

no ring, do you hear me?

F*** you dude, do you hear me?

You wanna just

f***ing pass out now?

Huh?

Passed out?

Hey.

How was I supposed to know

this a**hole had a bad heart?

I didn't mean to,

like, kill him,

it was, like,

totally an accident.

I knew the judge

wouldn't think so,

neither would my parole officer,

I didn't want to

go back to jail,

but I didn't feel guilty

about it, why would I?

That cheating son of a b*tch

got what was coming to him.

There's like, no way

this was the first time

he had f***ed around on

his wife, I mean, honestly.

F*** me, huh, f*** you.

In college, I felt

my calling, but now,

I knew my purpose.

So I went straight to the spa.

Got my nails did.

Got a couple, like,

really cute outfits.

Just really spoiled myself.

It was the first time

in a very long time

that I felt peaceful.

I felt true happiness.

I have heard of people

being addicted to heroin,

but I, I got addicted to,

like, being a heroine.

- All right, I brought you

a wide array of weapons,

anything you need to drop a man.

Let's start over

here with the rifles.

This is a Mossberg, 12-Gauge

shotgun, it's pump-action,

it's also got a sliding stock.

This is an Ar-15, semi-automatic

and a magazine full of ammo.

It's not a magazine

full of ammo.

- I'm sorry, I needed the bag.

- All right, we'll get you

a magazine full of ammo.

Anyway, this has got

a red-eye scope on it,

it's very nice standard issue.

This here is a Saiga,

12-Gauge shotgun,

it's got a folding stock,

it's also got a snub-nose

which makes it highly illegal.

We'll go over here to the

semi-automatic pistols.

These are .45s,

really nice guns, these

are nine milimeters,

that's a Luger,

that's another .45.

Those are a couple of revolvers,

those are .38 specials.

They don't have hammers so

they won't get caught up

in your pocket, and

that right there

is a Smith & Wesson 500,

it's got enough fire power

to drop an elephant

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