American Dirtbags Page #4

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and any ex-boyfriends

you might come across.

- What is this?

- Not for sale.

- It's my brother-in-law.

- These a**holes

did not have a clue

what was coming.

The new age is here, so

say goodbye to the days

of like, treating

women like meat.

No longer will you just

get away with using us

like a jizz-rag and, like,

getting praise for it

like you're a f***ing

Olympic champion.

Mmpm, I'm not gonna let you.

Those f***ers have had

more than their day

in the f***ing sun.

It's disgusting, they

think it's perfectly fine

to masturbate with our

bodies like we're their

personal f***-puppets?

Well now you're the

f***-puppets, b*tch!

I bet the stiletto feels real

different on the other foot.

Thanks for the cash, though.

And you better hope to god

you don't cum before me.

I only do it quick for

the guys who at least

have the decency to, like, I

don't know, get me off first

before blowing their

nut all over my back.

But even the most generous

reach around isn't gonna make up

for, like, all the

pain and suffering.

Yeah, right, none of these

a**holes are off the hook,

and this has been, like,

a long time coming.

Like, seriously, hundreds

of years or something.

It's a well-known fact to

any church-going person

that Satan and all his

evil is kept right there

in your testicles.

For real, like, that's why

Mary had to be a virgin.

I know some people might

think I'm like a bad person

or whatever, but

I know in my heart

that this is god's plan for me.

It's like, cast

out all the wicked.

It just turns out that

they're all wicked.

I couldn't have been happier,

at the top of my game

and on a hot streak.

Like, really kicking some ass,

nothing could get me down.

- We are gathered here today

to honor the life and memory

of Sarah Whitley.

- And then I found

out that Sarah had died.

Apparently she had

died of an overdose.

It was like her third

time od-ing or something.

They took her to the hospital,

but I guess it

was just too late.

And it sure as sh*t

wouldn't surprise me

if it was some f***ing man

taking advantage of her

who gave her the drugs.

F***ing pigs.

- Yeah, I remember,

first time I met Sarah.

It was summer camp, and I

always hated summer camp,

but she made it fun, man.

I remember one time,

this guy there, uh,

one year titty-f***ed

her, and uh,

like, you know where his

ass is down the stomach,

there was this big sh*t

stain all down her stomach,

and everybody called her

skidmark for like two years.

- Jesus Christ, man

- maybe that's not the kind

of stories we're telling.

- Yeah, maybe not, a**hole.

- Yeah, I'd like

to propose a toast.

To Sarah, y'all,

titty-f***ing was the

least of her qualities.

Hello.

What you doin', how

did you know Sarah?

- I met Sarah at summer school.

- You ok, you need me to call

a cab for you or somethin'?

- I could just go home with you.

- Oh, uh, I'd love

to, I would love to,

but I don't know if this is...

- shh, I heard you

were a bad boy.

- Nah.

- - And that you

were out on bail.

- So?

- Yeah, I mean, a little.

- I'm drunk, and I

know what I want.

Most of my kills were special

in their own little ways.

But this one was in loving

memory of my home girl,

and something about

that made it feel, like,

totally extra special.

I know I'm doing a good

thing, but I have to admit,

I do cum so much harder knowing

that the guy's about to die.

I've actually orgasmed after

sex when I'm killing them.

Is that bad?

And like, call it

female intuition or whatever,

but I always knew in

the back of my mind

that I would end

up like a martyr.

All the great ones always do.

I guess it's true what they say,

the lord works in

mysterious ways.

- My name is Victor banking,

and there is nothing I hate

more than gettin' pulled over.

Man, it's f***ing terrifying,

as the blue lights

cut on behind you

and all of a sudden your heart

sinks down to your throat,

and your a**hole tightens

up like the fire marshal

after that Whitesnake concert,

you immediately start

coming up with an alibi.

Especially when you been

drinkin' a little bit,

but definitely when you

got a kilo of premium

uncut Peruvian cocaine hidden

underneath your car seat

and a dead motherf***er

in the trunk.

Should have never answered

that phone call, man.

I was still on probation for

a possession charge, too.

Nothin' big, cops

spotted a roach

in the back seat of my car,

and apparently in Georgia,

you can go to jail for having

even a seed of that sh*t.

This is Victor.

- Vicki, what's

happening, baby, it's t.J.

- Oh, sh*t, hey, what's up, man?

I was 18 when I met t.J.

I got busted selling pot.

- What's going on

in here, gentlemen?

- Oh, f***.

Mom and Ronny were pissed.

- I don't give a sh*t about

you selling f***ing weed,

you stole it from me

you f***ing a**hole.

- Who does that?

Who f***ing steals

weed from his step-dad

and then sells it to his dumbass

f***in friends in high school?

We have honest f***in'

jobs that we go to

every f***in' day,

I've shown my a**hole

to every motherf***er

in this town

to put food on the table.

- And I play music for it.

- And it's not

easy to find a song

that's good for showin'

your a**hole to people.

- Damn f***in' right it ain't.

- I hate you.

- When you're young,

the system still thinks

you have a chance.

- Time's up, fuckface.

- F*** you guys.

- F*** you.

- So long, f***er.

- - They gave me a deal

and instead of doin'

serious jail time,

they sent me to f***in' rehab.

- We have to remember that

addiction is a disease,

and it needs to

be treated as such

with a healthy dose of my

friend Mr. Jesus Christ.

You want to mainline

something, my friend?

You mainline Jesus Christ.

You're all here for

the same reason.

You're here cause you have

a hole to fill, honey.

You've been fillin' your

holes with dirty penises

and things of that

nature, that's gross.

You need to fill your hole

with Mr. Jesus Christ.

Stop it, stop it, stop it.

Get out of your black hole.

I was you, my friend, I

was you, oh Mr. rough guy.

Doesn't play by the rules,

he's a rebel, he don't like it.

Gorgeous, just gorgeous

with a head of hair on ya,

look like, oh I don't

know, just like a model.

Jesus Christ gave

you that head of hair

and those model-like features

and those perfect calves.

Could of been this fella here.

You could have been

born this monster,

look like you come out of

some sort of horror film.

Disgusting.

You're not, you should be out

with a fancy lady like this,

having a good time,

not listening to me

talk about Jesus Christ.

I think I've said my piece.

Fill your hole my

Puerto Rican friend,

whatever the hell you are.

- When I first got

there I didn't know f*** all

when it came to drugs.

Two months later, I had the

best drug connects f***ing ever.

And one of them was

this guy, f***in' t.J.

- So yeah, I'm

back in town, man,

I don't know for how

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