American Dirtbags Page #5

---

long, though, you know,

so, hold on, hold on.

- Hey, baby, you want a dance?

- I would f***ing love a dance.

Hey, I'm running

out of cash, though,

can I pay you in blow?

- You know how I like it.

- Yes, I do.

Yeah, man, I'm back for awhile.

- Welcome to casa Del Victor.

- Nice, man.

- - Thank you.

- This all you?

- Yeah, man.

- Homie, I bet you're just

running through it, aren't you?

- I'm just f***in'

settin' 'em up,

poundin' right through em.

- Same old f***in' Vicki.

F***ing p*ssy guy, over here.

- I just f***ing

love me some p*ssy.

- Yeah you do.

- Hey, how'd you get my number?

- It's not a

problem I called it?

- No, not a problem,

I was just curious.

Haven't seen ya in

a couple 'a years.

You're distancing

yourself from me, man.

- It's been awhile, hasn't it?

- Actually, I changed my

number a couple times.

You must of dug deep.

- Just ran into Sarah Whitley.

- Sarah Whitley.

One of the f***ing

sketchiest b*tches

I've ever met in my life

and, coincidentally,

the first person I

ever tried blow with.

- Here, this one's

you, hard and fast.

All right, hey, rub

some on your teeth.

- Yeah?

- Take some of that, yeah,

- put it on your teeth.

- - What's that do?

- It's like Novocaine

but if fucks you up.

- Oh man, can I get another one?

- Yeah, you wanna pitch in?

- Uh, yeah, I can get you later.

- All right.

- Ah, I can feel it.

- It's good, right?

- Yeah, I thought you were

bringing me here to blow me,

but this is good, too.

- Ah, you're a f***ing

a**hole, Victor.

- F*** yeah, man, you got some?

- I got some.

- That's my boy.

- I got some, I got

some next level sh*t.

I know everyone says that

their sh*t's the bomb.

No, man, this sh*t right here

is f***ing outer space sh*t.

- Yeah?

- - It'll knock your dick

through your butthole,

get your keys out.

- That sounds f***ing awesome.

- Get you a big one.

- Ok.

- Whoo!

- - Yeah.

- I knew I shouldn't

have been doin' cocaine

while I was on probation,

and my probation

officer is a dick.

Mr. woodland.

- Have you had any

run-ins with the law?

- No, sir.

- Have you completed

your community service?

- I'm almost done, sir.

- You've got til the end of

the month to get that done.

- Is that clear?

- - Yes, sir.

- I hope so Mr. banking.

You come in here

again, that's not done,

I'm gonna consider

it a violation.

- Is that understood?

- - Yes, sir.

- All right, we're gonna

do another drug test.

- It blows my f***ing

mind that there's

a whole clean piss industry.

People are putting their

children through college

by making and

marketing fake piss.

And I don't know for sure,

but it wouldn't surprise me

if they're the

same, exact people

that are making the piss tests,

just rakin' in bread on

both sides of the badge.

- Let me get another one.

- - Yeah, man,

get another one.

- T.J. Wasn't

bullshittin' by the way,

I was high as a motherf***er.

To a lot of cocaine users,

just the word makes 'em

need to take a sh*t.

Some think it's cause

cocaine is a diuretic.

Truth is, people just cut

their sh*t with baby laxative.

This was definitely not cut.

- Let me ask you,

wanna make a little money?

- How much we talkin'?

- Ten thousand dollars

- $10,000

t.J. Said the guy

he got the blow from

had like a shitload of it.

And I guess a month prior to

this some really big drug bust.

- Get on the f***ing ground!

- Feds took

down a whole network.

A lot of motherfuckers went

to jail, it made sense.

- The whole town's drier

than a nun's c*nt, mate,

I ain't seen sh*t in weeks,

you know what I'm sayin'.

Yeah, exac, look, I know you're

one of my best customers,

but, you know, f*** you to be

honest cause I ain't got sh*t

and you keep coming

at me like this, so.

Yeah, I'll see you at

flag football on Sunday.

- Basically,

this dude was willing

to front a bunch of it to

t.J., he lived in Birmingham.

And t.J. Needed a ride.

Now, I wouldn't have done

it, honest I wouldn't.

But 10 grand seemed more

than worth it at the time.

In fact, as soon as I

heard those words, $10,000,

I immediately started fantasizing

about how I'd spend it.

First stop, strip club.

I would easily blow five

grand right off the top.

You drop five grand at the VIP,

you can do whatever

the f*** you want to.

The rules no longer

apply to you.

All of a sudden you

can f*** the girls

and they'll suck your dick, too.

I wouldn't be

f***in' 'em, though,

I'd be way too busy doin' blow

off their ass and titties.

Then I'd pay off the rest of

my probation fines, of course.

Boom, be on call report,

not have to see that

f***in' prick again.

After that, I'd get a tattoo.

Something bad ass like a

dagger stabbed through a skull

wrapped in barbed

wire, f*** yeah.

Probably blow some

more at the strip club,

and then, f*** it,

maybe do it again.

For some reason, life

always wants to throw in

that f***in' x-factor.

- The lights, cut

the f***in' lights.

- Hey are you sure this is it?

- Yeah, man, this

is definitely it.

- Doesn't look like

anybody's home.

- No, they're in the

basement, listen,

I'm gonna go in, it's gonna

take like two seconds, ok?

When I come back, be

ready to roll, all right,

- all right, you got it.

- - Be ready to go.

- Oh, what the f***, man?

Dude, I thought this guy

was just frontin' you sh*t.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, he's

frontin' me sh*t or whatever.

Look, look, when I get back,

be ready to f***in' go.

- All right?

- - Ok.

- All right?

- All right, Jesus.

I should have known that

motherf***er was lying.

Now that I think about it,

he was always spoutin' off

some unbelievable bullshit.

- So I'm not trying to

brag or anything, but, uh,

my step-dad, Robert De Niro.

- No sh*t.

- No, man, dead serious.

- Really?

- - Yeah, man,

basically raised me.

- Bobby d., puttin' the d.

- Yeah.

- - In your mom.

- Yeah.

- God damn it,

why do all my friends

have to be so f***in' sketch.

- God damn it.

Come on, man.

- F***in' go!

- - All right!

- Oh my god!

Ow, ow, I'm gonna

f***ing die, man!

- No, no, no, no,

you're not gonna die.

- I'm gonna f***in'

die, hold my hand.

Hold my f***ing hand!

- F***, t.J., just keep up, man,

just put pressure on it,

keep pressure on, man.

I should have dumped this

motherf***er in the woods

when I had the chance.

Cause right before he died,

the selfish motherf***er

pulled some bullshit.

What?

- I want you, you gotta

bury me if I die, man.

You gotta bury me

next to my mom.

I want you to bury me

next to my mom, please.

- Ok, ok, ok.

- - Promise me.

- I promise, I promise!

- I think I'm gonna die.

- You're not gonna die,

man, you're not gonna die.

No, no, no, no, t.J.,

push down, push down.

F***, f***.

F***!

This is definitely gonna look

I killed the f***in' a**hole.

And so what's the story?

I was drivin', botherin' no one,

and found this guy on

the side of the road

and like a good Samaritan,

put him in the trunk

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes