American Dirtbags Page #6

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and was taking him

to the hospital?

And, oh no, officer,

I had no idea

there were drugs in the car.

I never should have answered

that f***in' phone call.

I only had six months

left on probation.

I was gonna finish my

sh*t and play it straight,

maybe go back to school,

get some hot chick

to tutor me in

physics, fall in love.

And get married,

hopefully find out

that her father's a billionaire.

He dies, we inherit

the money, I leave her,

take half and start

straight-plowing so hard.

But, nope, I will

be going to jail.

No, I'll be goin'

to f***in' prison.

And let me tell you something,

I'm not built for prison.

I don't want to have to

wear skittles eye shadow.

- Daddy's hungry, pudding pop.

Yeah, mmm.

- Can't we just

cuddle tonight, daddy?

- Oh no, cuddling's

for Tuesdays.

- F***in' t.J., man.

- Who is t.J.?

- Nobody, daddy, nobody.

But wait a minute,

f*** that sh*t.

This dude is not

searchin' my car,

and I don't have to say sh*t.

Just give him my license

and tell him to f*** off.

- Sir, do you know

why I pulled you over?

- I do not consent to search.

- Excuse me?

- I know my rights, officer.

- Sir, I'm gonna need you

to step out of this

vehicle for me.

- Am I being detained?

- You see this badge, son?

- Yeah.

- You're talking to a man,

I'll be asking the

questions this evening.

I need you to step out

of the vehicle for me.

- Am I being detained?

- You will be detained

if you resist an officer.

Sir, step out of

this vehicle for me.

Don't you dare...

- thing is, just

like there's that x-factor,

there's also the f***-it factor.

I wish I had never

answered that god damned

motherfuckin' phone call.

- My name is Trevor smalls.

Everyone calls me

smalls, though.

I don't know who the

f*** this b*tch is,

I'm pretty sure she's dead.

I never killed nobody before,

so this might knock

a n*gger up into a

new gangsta bracket

or some sh*t.

I mean, I'm hard, but not like

a cold-blooded killer hard.

I'm like a mid-level

hardness, like a,

you won't wanna

f*** with a n*gger,

but why would you have to,

there's never any

beef sorta thing.

I knew what was up at

an early age, though.

My pops was a straight

up motherfuckin' hustler.

And he taught me

everything he knew.

- That's 30 bucks, right?

- - Yep.

- You grab that 30

bucks, look, um,

I got these 10 singles, um,

could you give me a $10

bill for those 10 singles?

- Sure.

- Thank you.

Ok, go ahead and count 'em.

- Ok, one, two,

three, four

five, six, seven, eight,

there's only eight bucks.

- Oh, sorry, ok look,

eight bucks right, eight,

eight and one, that's nine,

that's another one, that's ten,

that's ten, that's

twenty, why don't you just

give me that $20 bill

and we just call it even.

So, son, what just happened?

- Uh.

- What happened was, I

just made $10 off the money

you gave me.

- Oh, sh*t.

- - Exactly.

All to be up in

these strip clubs.

Don't tell your mother,

go ahead, practice.

- And by the time I was grown,

we had the sh*t

down to a science.

- $20 says I can lift

you, feet off the ground,

in this bar, $20 bet.

- There's no way you could do,

it would take at least

two of you to do that.

- The only two it's gonna

take are these two guns,

bam, bam, $20 bet?

- It's a waste of my time

- you scared?

- It's a waste of

my time, I'm not doin' it.

- All right, that's

a waste of your time,

how 'bout I step

it up a little bit.

$50 says not only can I lift

your feet off the ground,

I can do it and I won't

even bend my arms.

- All right.

- - All right,

- let's do it.

- - Let's do it.

- I want my money, all right.

Gettin' paid in this b*tch!

- Come on.

- - All right, relax.

So anxious to lose that money.

Ready, let me make

sure your bra's ok.

- Come on, man.

- All right here we go, ready?

You might not be,

but I am, here we go.

- What the f***,

no, dude, nuh uh.

- Aaah, whoo!

50 dollars.

- That's my last 50, dude.

- - I don't give a sh*t,

that's the last time I'm

liftin' your big ass.

20, 30, 40, 50.

- You got change for a 20?

- - No.

- You know, a lot of

people work with their pops,

but most of the time

it's behind the counter

at some shitty

father and son joint.

Our little family business

was much more fun.

My pops never once said,

- son, if you got time to

lean, you got time to clean.

- Relax, dude.

- Dude, do I look like

a f***in' dude to you?

- No, sir.

- Then let's get to cleanin'.

- - Ok.

- Now.

- Yeah, all right, relax.

- F***ing clean.

- - Ok, yeah, I got it.

- You're such

a f***in' lazy bone.

- F*** it, I'm gonna

start selling weed.

- But see, my

dad wasn't one of these

new age parents trying to

be friends with their kids.

My father was my mentor.

- How you gonna spill ketchup

on the back seat of my car?

- And when I messed up,

he was the motherfuckin' law.

- You gotta use your head.

Is there somethin' funny?

- No, sir.

- You gonna learn to respect

for people's things, all right?

Now clean it up.

This is a damn Cadillac.

Did you hear me you

little motherf***er?

- When he died, I

didn't know what to do at first.

I was totally lost for awhile.

I kept tryin' to run

some of our old plays,

but more times than not,

the sh*t was a bust.

And then, I met Jimmy

motherfuckin' brown.

Now that was one

crazy ass white boy.

- Oh, hell no.

That's my flying-v bass guitar,

that is my very favorite

thing in this entire world,

it's autographed

by rush Limbaugh,

and it is a god damned

collector's item,

if I find lube on that thing

and the signature gets smeared,

d'you have any idea

the kind of hell.

Hey, sugar tits!

Put shots in these glasses

before I set this place on fire.

- Until he was 13,

he thought his

grandma was his mom

and his moms was his sister.

- He doesn't have

to hear the word

he's seen ya bein' a whore

for years with all the men

comin' in and out

of your apartment.

- You know I had a bad back

and those were delivery boys

bringing me my groceries.

- Delivery boys, delivering

something all right,

delivering dick.

- Don't you come in here

and talk about lovemaking

and dick in front of this child,

he doesn't know what the

f*** those words are.

- Jimmy, ignore

your grandmother,

I know this is a lot to take

in but I am your real mother,

I had you at 15, and I'm

takin' you with me, all right.

- And I guess

when he lived in Alabama

he used to sell meth

or some sh*t like that.

He didn't like

talkin' about it much.

But by the time I met him,

he wasn't slingin' dope,

he was stealing cars.

Yyou know what you're doin'?

And good at it, too.

Hurry up, man, you

gonna get us caught.

- Ah ha, boom.

- The leap from con

artist to car thief

was a short one at best.

Sh*t was really more

of a smooth transition.

Jimmy knew this guy

named little bankingie.

You wouldn't know it

by looking at him,

but little bankingie was a

cold-blooded motherf***er.

Him and his brother ran a

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